Pea

I've been having a hard time with my current episode. Too much crying followed by anger. Yesterday's therapy session helped. Adding some more Seroquel has helped. Anyway, I wrote this the other day and I don't think I posted it here. I'm working on about six other poems. Maybe I'll feel better soon and then I can finish them.

"The Pea"

'tis but a feeling.
Small, yet smoldering.
Like a demon waiting it's turn.
It waits like a cancer.
Small as a pea and as large as a whale.
Waiting, waiting for it's turn.

Slicing through sanity.
Its made it before.
Playing its own tune and dancing with screaming intensity
with no end in sight. It almost won. So close.

Condemned to the depths it waits.
It wait its turn.
Just a pea.
I can feel the pea. I know it's there,
and it terrifies me.

- Christopher Sharits 2013

Weight loss update

I have a family photo that had to be taken after I left the hospital in February 2013 when I had already lost about 20 pounds and my face was huge, really huge, compared to this one that was taken about 15 pounds ago. I like this weight loss. 

Yes, I had the Lap-band, but also managed to gain about 20 pounds over my surgery date. I rarely feel the lap-band. Only if I drink something cold too soon after I've eaten. 

What I did learn is to eat better, exercise, and eat much smaller portions. You really can live comfortably with much much smaller portions never missing a meal. Now I'm just consistent and content with losing eight to ten pounds a month. It's easy to get carried away. Yes, I eat anything, just much less. Keeps the cravings away. I do take monster vitamins and concentrate on proteins, but my doctor says my monthly blood work is better than ever.

Heaviest weight ever 456 (November 2007. Weight at surgery 412 (August 2011). Weight after I totally screwed up with lap-band 429 (mid-January 2013). Weight today 306 (November 2013). Goal 190 (March 2015 or sooner).

Silence

"Silence"

The damp leaves,
ever so cold, ever so silent.
I walk through the darkness,
I pass the faceless lovers.
I find my dark corner.
My calm content corner.
Like a razor,
madness slices in.
I stand aside, but I am trapped.
The dark cold unforgiving
silence screams.

- Christopher Sharits

Expression of frustration

I think my last painting was in 2011. The urge is back. The waves of noise seems to have brought me to a new sense of the need to express myself. Perhaps people don't understand me, but I'm sure my family does not. I come away from the weekend feeling very isolated. The silence in my head is deafening.

"Me"
The more I wrote, the more I erase.
Sometimes I tire of the facade.
Every time I start to believe,
the darkness returns,
Why does life mess with me?
I'm solid, I'm strong,
I'm weak, I'm torn.
I can't be me. I'm scared of me.
Not for you, but for me.

written today.