As I was wrapping up my chapters about my life before my first major episode in 2001, I was reminded of some serious lack of judgments I had before my dad committed suicide. I self medicated way too much before Greg was born and I did things like bringing home a new sports car without telling Cheri. At the time she had an older used car. There was more, but I'm not willing to share them.
Later on, just before Greg, I decided it would be a good idea to supplement our income by modeling. I took expensive classes, paid for a new portfolio, literally starved myself and bought many new clothes that I never even wore. Of course we couldn't afford any of this. I was doing well at modeling, but I quickly found out that male models don't really make money and agencies treated you like a piece of meat. The real bad thing is that I did all of this when I was having great success as a graveyard warehouse manager. I already had a good job.
I was super hyper-sexual. My moods were everywhere. Even through I knew my grandmother and uncle had committed suicide while in a bipolar depressive dip. Even though my dad had told me he was on and off lithium and was a raging alcoholic, hyper-sexual, bad with money, occasionally seeing a psychiatrist, and a huge drug user. And yet they were all brilliant. I didn't make the connections.
I didn't know anything about manic-depressive disorder. If we had had the Internet or if I had a clue, I would have realized that I was bipolar to an extent that I don't know how my wife put up with me. I would have divorced me. I also would have committed suicide when I was in my early 20's. I wanted to. Cheri was my rock, but she was scared. Scared of what I would do next. Scared when we had children. Just scared. I didn't know.
All of it didn't register until I started writing this book; my autobiography. My conversations with Cheri, a book I'm reading, and writing my book all worked together to blow me out this weekend. I followed backwards in time and saw myself for the first time. I saw the truth. I'm still looking back and I am ashamed. I could be massively successful at work and school, but I was a mess on the inside. The more I remember, the more I cry. Cheri won't tell me more. She says maybe a little bit at a time. I should have known. I should have known.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Writing second book
Hello. I know I said I would write more often and I will. It's just that now it takes away from writing my second book which is an autobiography. I was awarded Social Security Disability for my bipolar disorder in July and I want to run through my life before my first major bipolar episode in 2001. I had all the bipolar symptoms before that breakdown, but I didn't recognize them as symptoms. I certainly didn't see a therapist or psychologist before then, but I did feel that something was wrong with me. I was smart enough and figured it was just something else. my example of manic depressive disorder was my dad and he was an alcoholic.
While I occasionally self-medicate to escape the feelings of the disorder I am not an alcoholic nor a regular user of illicit drugs. I do take hand fulls of prescription drugs each day to keep me from going up too far and down to the point of suicidal tenancies. I should correct that. This winter I was suicidal and very depressed. I feel better now, but I do have the feeling of a manic episode coming on. I am properly taken care of and I still feel these things. I can't seem to control them. I can only imagine how hard it would be without care. I'm sure... positive that I would have killed myself by now. The disorder is progressive and it frankly scares me.
I am receiving disability because I told the straight up truth to my therapist, psychologist, the State of Colorado appointed psychologist, someone who reviewed my case from the State, the vocational adviser in the court room, my lawyers, and the Judge. They all came to the same conclusion. Even though I am medicated and controlled I am not able to work with people in general. If I am manic I will argue and fight with anyone. If I am depressed and you are able to get me out of my room, I feel trapped and I want to run. In those cases I also feel the need to protect myself behind my intellect and I am always ready for a show down. I seem to maintain these urges at home with my family to a point, but definitely not at work. I guess that's why I went thorough seven or eight jobs in six years. I even took a year long break in there. I was fired several times. I was hospitalized for both physical reasons and mental breakdowns several times from July 2007 to now. When I get really bad like I did this winter, my wife and psychologist both choose putting me into a sleepy existence instead of a mental ward. I just slept through my suicidal thoughts and added more medication to moderate my panic attacks. I still get them and that makes me sad, but I'm feeling better. Diving my nose into the new book helps.
While I occasionally self-medicate to escape the feelings of the disorder I am not an alcoholic nor a regular user of illicit drugs. I do take hand fulls of prescription drugs each day to keep me from going up too far and down to the point of suicidal tenancies. I should correct that. This winter I was suicidal and very depressed. I feel better now, but I do have the feeling of a manic episode coming on. I am properly taken care of and I still feel these things. I can't seem to control them. I can only imagine how hard it would be without care. I'm sure... positive that I would have killed myself by now. The disorder is progressive and it frankly scares me.
I am receiving disability because I told the straight up truth to my therapist, psychologist, the State of Colorado appointed psychologist, someone who reviewed my case from the State, the vocational adviser in the court room, my lawyers, and the Judge. They all came to the same conclusion. Even though I am medicated and controlled I am not able to work with people in general. If I am manic I will argue and fight with anyone. If I am depressed and you are able to get me out of my room, I feel trapped and I want to run. In those cases I also feel the need to protect myself behind my intellect and I am always ready for a show down. I seem to maintain these urges at home with my family to a point, but definitely not at work. I guess that's why I went thorough seven or eight jobs in six years. I even took a year long break in there. I was fired several times. I was hospitalized for both physical reasons and mental breakdowns several times from July 2007 to now. When I get really bad like I did this winter, my wife and psychologist both choose putting me into a sleepy existence instead of a mental ward. I just slept through my suicidal thoughts and added more medication to moderate my panic attacks. I still get them and that makes me sad, but I'm feeling better. Diving my nose into the new book helps.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Still losing weight and not satisfied.
I'm on track to hitting 330 by the end of the month. I began the month at 340. My goal for the month was ten pounds. While having hit my goal I still feel like I should be losing weight faster. I'm impatient. I want to be not fat. I don't want to be "the big guy." I certainly don't want strangers to tell me "lose weight man." That really happened a few months ago in the grocery store. He left so fast I did have time to tell him I was losing weight, but he wouldn't have "heard" me anyway.
In August my goal is 320. Hard to believe having come from 400 plus maybe 30 pounds at the beginning of the year. I didn't even register on my scale that maxed out at 400 until February at some point. Other than fitting into cars and clothes better, I still feel impatient. It is that impatience that works against me. I will succeed at kicking 300's soon enough. Ten pounds a month. Just ten pounds a month.
People that haven't seen me for a while say I am shrinking like crazy, but I don't see it. I suppose if I could see myself in the mirror at my old weight to my new weight I would get it. I should probably take more pictures, but there in nothing I hate more than pictures. It's embarrassing.
I'm about to go to my 30th class reunion. People will just see me as fat. They won't see the struggle. The weight I've lost. They will just compare me to the 18 year old thin guy. The guy I want so badly to be. It's embarrassing. I almost didn't want to go because I am embarrassed. Oh well, I have to over that and face the fact that people will see what they want to see. My good friends will see that I am still me. At least I hope so. I'll let you know. The reunion is August 10th. One day before my 29th anniversary to Cheri. That should be what people see. Two people still madly in love with each other.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Bipolar Social Security Disability
It's been a long time. Sorry. I took time to concentrate on my book "Night in Positano" which I self published, but now I am going to re-write the second half because it sucks. My weight had gone up because I slowly started gaining weight and then I gave up and ballooned to possibly 429 pounds. Total failure, however, I was in the hospital for the month of January 2013 and I lost 20 pounds to 25 pounds because the food tasted bad because of the IV antibiotics and the food generally sucked anyway. In February I finally fell down to under 400 because my scale only goes to 400. Nonetheless, I lost an additional 10 pounds that month and I have basically been losing 10 to 13 pounds per month since then and I am now 333. I have it under control and I have learned my lesson. I fully anticipate continued average 10 pounds loss per month. I keep this up to date now that I don't feel like a failure.
My real reason for today's post is a favorable decision on my Bipolar Social Security Disability claim. I had initially placed a claim about two years ago because I had failed to hold gainful employment since July 2007. I didn't know you could get disability for mental disorders. Once I received a negative result I hired an attorney to help me with my appeal. That was about a year ago. Today the judge examined all of my evidence from my work history, education level, and notes and forms from my psychiatrists and therapists and the state assigned psychiatrists. I went with my lawyer and answered all of his questions about the evidence in short clear sentences. I had many different employers since 1998 to 2007 where I had either jumped ship to greener pastures or I quit before getting fired. In some cases I was fired. Apparently I do not take corrections and directions well and, when manic, I am difficult to work with and when I am depressed I simply don't want to work. My education level is eight years of upper education with one and 3/4 masters. The notes from the psychiatrists and therapists over the last few years clearly state that while I am intelligent, I am impossible to work for or with or any other capacity with others. Basically, I don't play fair in the sand box. Normally judges can take from a week to two months to make their decision, but, thanks to a good lawyer and mountains of evidence, the judge rendered in my favor on the spot. We all dropped our jaws and thanked the judge quietly and left the hearing room. My lawyer was quite happy as were my wife and I.
In a few months or less my disability payments will start and then I will receive a lump sum less my lawyer fee including one year (max) of back payments since my initial filing of the first request. This will help me get out of debt and consider different forms of Medicare. I think this will have a profound effect on my student loans, but I have yet to find out. It has been a long process and we are not quite there, but the light is near.
My real reason for today's post is a favorable decision on my Bipolar Social Security Disability claim. I had initially placed a claim about two years ago because I had failed to hold gainful employment since July 2007. I didn't know you could get disability for mental disorders. Once I received a negative result I hired an attorney to help me with my appeal. That was about a year ago. Today the judge examined all of my evidence from my work history, education level, and notes and forms from my psychiatrists and therapists and the state assigned psychiatrists. I went with my lawyer and answered all of his questions about the evidence in short clear sentences. I had many different employers since 1998 to 2007 where I had either jumped ship to greener pastures or I quit before getting fired. In some cases I was fired. Apparently I do not take corrections and directions well and, when manic, I am difficult to work with and when I am depressed I simply don't want to work. My education level is eight years of upper education with one and 3/4 masters. The notes from the psychiatrists and therapists over the last few years clearly state that while I am intelligent, I am impossible to work for or with or any other capacity with others. Basically, I don't play fair in the sand box. Normally judges can take from a week to two months to make their decision, but, thanks to a good lawyer and mountains of evidence, the judge rendered in my favor on the spot. We all dropped our jaws and thanked the judge quietly and left the hearing room. My lawyer was quite happy as were my wife and I.
In a few months or less my disability payments will start and then I will receive a lump sum less my lawyer fee including one year (max) of back payments since my initial filing of the first request. This will help me get out of debt and consider different forms of Medicare. I think this will have a profound effect on my student loans, but I have yet to find out. It has been a long process and we are not quite there, but the light is near.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Hello,
I'm bouncing around 352 and 351. I want to be securely under 350 before the end of the month. It should only take one good day at the gym and one good day of eating well.
I was doing great yesterday, but then I made fajitas for my parents and my family and I nibbled while I cooked so who know how much I actually are. Definitely over a 1/4 cup. I even snaked as I put washed the dishes. Bad bad boy.
My big news is my book about Nick. The teenager who goes through a hell of a year during his early bipolar onset. So far people that have read the manuscript have loved it. To day I'm polishing. I have given myself until the end of the month to go live and upload the final script as an eBook. After some research I have decided to set the online price at $5.57. It can be purchased from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, and my site www.NightInPositano.com . There are some sample chapters up now.
I'm bouncing around 352 and 351. I want to be securely under 350 before the end of the month. It should only take one good day at the gym and one good day of eating well.
I was doing great yesterday, but then I made fajitas for my parents and my family and I nibbled while I cooked so who know how much I actually are. Definitely over a 1/4 cup. I even snaked as I put washed the dishes. Bad bad boy.
My big news is my book about Nick. The teenager who goes through a hell of a year during his early bipolar onset. So far people that have read the manuscript have loved it. To day I'm polishing. I have given myself until the end of the month to go live and upload the final script as an eBook. After some research I have decided to set the online price at $5.57. It can be purchased from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, and my site www.NightInPositano.com . There are some sample chapters up now.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
They changed the look of my blog post page... again. I swear they do it just to keep their jobs. Oh well, power to them.
This morning I weighed in at 352.8. It probably would have been .4 better, but I had already had some coffee and took my bipolar meds. That's not bad considering how bad I'd been during the bipolar episode. On April 24th I weighed in at 376. I should be at 352 or 351 flat or better tomorrow and that's a 25 pound loss in one month. Maybe I can really stick to it and go to the gym today to knock that down to a 25 pound loss.
If I can lose say 20 pounds in June and then 20 pounds in July, then I'll be at 312 by August 3rd. The lightest I've been since I started keeping track in 2008. AND 100 pounds lost for my first year anniversary. Truth be told, I think losing 80 pounds or more in one year is a big deal. I didn't get this fat overnight. I got it over the course of some odd 25 years.
I thought I finished my book yesterday, but now I see mechanical errors when I read them out loud. The book took forever and yesterday I read 13 pages to Cheri in 1/2 hour. It's a fast read. 200 pages and I think you could read the whole thing on one rainy afternoon. Oh well, I got the story out. If I can't find a publisher (should have one in NYC) then I'll self publish anyway. I'm rambling. See ya.
This morning I weighed in at 352.8. It probably would have been .4 better, but I had already had some coffee and took my bipolar meds. That's not bad considering how bad I'd been during the bipolar episode. On April 24th I weighed in at 376. I should be at 352 or 351 flat or better tomorrow and that's a 25 pound loss in one month. Maybe I can really stick to it and go to the gym today to knock that down to a 25 pound loss.
If I can lose say 20 pounds in June and then 20 pounds in July, then I'll be at 312 by August 3rd. The lightest I've been since I started keeping track in 2008. AND 100 pounds lost for my first year anniversary. Truth be told, I think losing 80 pounds or more in one year is a big deal. I didn't get this fat overnight. I got it over the course of some odd 25 years.
I thought I finished my book yesterday, but now I see mechanical errors when I read them out loud. The book took forever and yesterday I read 13 pages to Cheri in 1/2 hour. It's a fast read. 200 pages and I think you could read the whole thing on one rainy afternoon. Oh well, I got the story out. If I can't find a publisher (should have one in NYC) then I'll self publish anyway. I'm rambling. See ya.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I guess this will be short as I am working on unpacking, organizing and shelving some 200 of my favorite books. I may read a bit too much. My book "Night in Positano" is so close to finished that if I have a few days in the library to correct some tense issues and remind myself about the lines I used the first time Nick went into the hospital. So so close. It's already been edited several times. While part one. Part two still needs readers and editing.
Back to weight. I am currently at 354 and still losing weight pretty quickly. Near the being on this blog you can read about my adventure with vegetarianism and vegan. Vegan is okay for about three or four months but then it sucks. When I fell off vegetarianism I had already started gaining weight. Ultimately I decided to have the lapband surgery. All was good then my father in law died and we ate like crap on the road. And then came my hypo-manic bipolar episode. Worst since January 2008. I should have been in the hospital, but even three days gone messes up the family rhythm so I endured sleeping only 3 hours a night and didn't weigh myself. And that's how you can blow the surgery. Maybe I'm being repetitive. Bottom line is that I am 354 today and losing about .75 pounds a day. I bounce up a pound and bounce down a couple pounds, but I weigh myself every day. By the end of the month I should easily hit 350 and maybe even 345. All good and back on track. At first it was hard, but it's getting easier everyday. Need to hit the gym more.
Back to weight. I am currently at 354 and still losing weight pretty quickly. Near the being on this blog you can read about my adventure with vegetarianism and vegan. Vegan is okay for about three or four months but then it sucks. When I fell off vegetarianism I had already started gaining weight. Ultimately I decided to have the lapband surgery. All was good then my father in law died and we ate like crap on the road. And then came my hypo-manic bipolar episode. Worst since January 2008. I should have been in the hospital, but even three days gone messes up the family rhythm so I endured sleeping only 3 hours a night and didn't weigh myself. And that's how you can blow the surgery. Maybe I'm being repetitive. Bottom line is that I am 354 today and losing about .75 pounds a day. I bounce up a pound and bounce down a couple pounds, but I weigh myself every day. By the end of the month I should easily hit 350 and maybe even 345. All good and back on track. At first it was hard, but it's getting easier everyday. Need to hit the gym more.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Hello followers. I've been slacking because I had possibly the most immense prolonged bipolar episode in years. I was sleeping maybe 3 - 5 hours of sleep and having trouble reading and writing. I'm on wellburtron now and I've calmed down.
During this last episode I lost it. I began gaining weight and it was discouraging. I stayed off the scale and started eating almost normal. My body, hungry for calories, ate it up and I seem to have retain every ugly fat cell. Plus, then I hurt my following against some stairs in the snow, so I dropped out of the gym for a while and the end result was dangerous weight gain.
I imagine that I had gained so much weight that I scaled out at about 380; up from 330 at the beginning of the year. I don't know my exact weight because I didn't scale. My tight pants told me. I had to wear my biggest clothes again. As I was starting to get a grip on the episode and I know I lost some weight. When I went into the surgeon's office I scaled in at 376. Two weeks later and I weigh 366. I'm back on the diet. I'd like to lose 30 pounds by my one year anniversary August 3rd. Then I can say that I lost 80 pounds the first year. Still not bad weight loss. Should be and could have been better, but I messed up and now I'll have to settle. If I stick to the diet like glue I could do it and then some. It would be nice to be back to 330. My clothes all fit nicely.
Moral of the story... the lap-band is a tool. just a tool. You can mess it up. For now on I'll scale and track everyday. Check lose250.com for progress reports.
During this last episode I lost it. I began gaining weight and it was discouraging. I stayed off the scale and started eating almost normal. My body, hungry for calories, ate it up and I seem to have retain every ugly fat cell. Plus, then I hurt my following against some stairs in the snow, so I dropped out of the gym for a while and the end result was dangerous weight gain.
I imagine that I had gained so much weight that I scaled out at about 380; up from 330 at the beginning of the year. I don't know my exact weight because I didn't scale. My tight pants told me. I had to wear my biggest clothes again. As I was starting to get a grip on the episode and I know I lost some weight. When I went into the surgeon's office I scaled in at 376. Two weeks later and I weigh 366. I'm back on the diet. I'd like to lose 30 pounds by my one year anniversary August 3rd. Then I can say that I lost 80 pounds the first year. Still not bad weight loss. Should be and could have been better, but I messed up and now I'll have to settle. If I stick to the diet like glue I could do it and then some. It would be nice to be back to 330. My clothes all fit nicely.
Moral of the story... the lap-band is a tool. just a tool. You can mess it up. For now on I'll scale and track everyday. Check lose250.com for progress reports.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Two miles in 28 minutes 13 seconds! Back down to lowest 330 and going.
During my weak holiday season I gained weight. At one point, when I am sure I was bloated, I weighed in at 340 around the last week in December. It was probably closer to 338; however, I have really been pounding it at the gym and eating proper especially after the surgeon tightened up my lapband a bit, so I'm pleased to say that I weighed in at 330 today. I would like to reach 320 by the end of the month.
Speaking of the gym, on October 28, 2011 I jogged/walked two miles in 31 mins and 20 seconds. I know that I had slower times, but I don't think I recorded them. On Thanksgiving, November 24th, I injured my back pushing my wife's van out of some snow. The pain showed up three days later and I failed to connect the dots. Nonetheless, I took my pain pills and muscle relaxants and went back to the gym on December 8th. I recorded two miles in exactly 31 minutes.
I missed the gym until the December15th and then I took a gym break to heal my back and my knees until January 5th, so I was basically starting over with the treadmill. Last week I managed to shave the two mile treadmill to 30 minutes and I thought that was as far as I could go at this point of my weight loss, but then on January 17th I ran the crap out of it and managed to run the two miles in exactly 29 minutes. I really thought I was going to collapse. Well, maybe not, but I was completely wasted tired. Yesterday I ran next to this guy that was literally outright running before I got there. He was drenched with sweat and obviously 130 pounds or more lighter than me. Nonetheless, it inspired me to push harder. I managed to pull out a 28.13 minute record! It doesn't sound like much, but compare it to the 31m 20s from Oct 28th before I had to take a gym break to heal. If I can improve my record by a few seconds each time then I will probably be jogging the two miles in 25 minutes.
That day was not today. I had some McDonald's breakfast oatmeal with apples and raisins. The small cup size. Anyway, I ate it for lunch just before I went to the gym. I apparently can't run as hard after lunch. I ran 29m 47s. So far, Monday through Thursday night I have jogged 8 miles. Two more tomorrow morning and I will have hit my goal of 10 miles per week. Oh yeah; all that baking and poor eating during the holiday's are gone plus I reached a new low of 330. I really think I can hit 300 by March 2nd, but for sure by my birthday March 19th. The big 47 and I still feel like a kid playing grownup.
Speaking of the gym, on October 28, 2011 I jogged/walked two miles in 31 mins and 20 seconds. I know that I had slower times, but I don't think I recorded them. On Thanksgiving, November 24th, I injured my back pushing my wife's van out of some snow. The pain showed up three days later and I failed to connect the dots. Nonetheless, I took my pain pills and muscle relaxants and went back to the gym on December 8th. I recorded two miles in exactly 31 minutes.
I missed the gym until the December15th and then I took a gym break to heal my back and my knees until January 5th, so I was basically starting over with the treadmill. Last week I managed to shave the two mile treadmill to 30 minutes and I thought that was as far as I could go at this point of my weight loss, but then on January 17th I ran the crap out of it and managed to run the two miles in exactly 29 minutes. I really thought I was going to collapse. Well, maybe not, but I was completely wasted tired. Yesterday I ran next to this guy that was literally outright running before I got there. He was drenched with sweat and obviously 130 pounds or more lighter than me. Nonetheless, it inspired me to push harder. I managed to pull out a 28.13 minute record! It doesn't sound like much, but compare it to the 31m 20s from Oct 28th before I had to take a gym break to heal. If I can improve my record by a few seconds each time then I will probably be jogging the two miles in 25 minutes.
That day was not today. I had some McDonald's breakfast oatmeal with apples and raisins. The small cup size. Anyway, I ate it for lunch just before I went to the gym. I apparently can't run as hard after lunch. I ran 29m 47s. So far, Monday through Thursday night I have jogged 8 miles. Two more tomorrow morning and I will have hit my goal of 10 miles per week. Oh yeah; all that baking and poor eating during the holiday's are gone plus I reached a new low of 330. I really think I can hit 300 by March 2nd, but for sure by my birthday March 19th. The big 47 and I still feel like a kid playing grownup.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Worst bipolar episode in four years
I could feel it coming on and I thought that it might be the holiday blues, but it became more significant than that. My primary problem was three or four panic attacks. One was major and I seriously considered going into the mental health facility. I feel better now, but my emotions were flipping up and down so much everyday that it was wearing me down and then it made it easier to blow my cool. If you received one of my "episodic" email rants, I'm sorry. Next week I meet with my psychologist and I may have her change or increase some of my meds. Normally I would suggest a jump in seroquel, but I have those restless limb thing at night if I take too much. Actually, if someone wakes me up within the first four to five hours of my sleep, I can't get back to sleep because the restless feet and hand thing is there. Maybe another jump in lamictal and hydroxyzine. I wish I could take more lorazapam, but I think I'm at the limit. Maybe I could add something new?
During my bipolar episode, holiday cooking and baking, back injury, double knee injuries, and just plain not caring made me actually gain weight. Like 7 or 8 pounds since before Thanksgiving. I'm back in the gym now and trying to watch my calories and size of portions. I was super impressed when I walk/jogged 2 miles in 31 minutes some time ago and I have been carving that time down each week. I got it down to 30 minutes and thought that I couldn't do better until I was skinnier, but I continued to shave time and this morning I made 29 minutes flat! I jogged a quick pace on and off. I jogged the first five minutes which is my best continuous jog. I would like to jog the entire two miles at some point this spring. I'll probably have to increase my distance to three miles because I must jog for at least 30 minutes and then work on my upper body for an additional 30 minutes. I didn't go to the gym Saturday or Sunday because it's too busy, but I did go four days last week so I jogged eight miles. This week I have already jogged 4 miles so I should reach my weekly goal of 10 miles or more.
Oh yeah, I weighed in at 332 this morning on the doctor's scale which is as low as I have ever been, but I really should have lost about 12 more pounds in that time. Now I have to play catch up if I want to hit 299 - by my birthday on March 19. I've been real good for the last few days so I know I can do it and maybe since my body didn't lose a bunch of weight during this time, I might be able to kick into high gear and lose weight as rapidly as I did in the beginning. I would really like to be at 300 or less by March 1st. That's 44 days or so. That would be five pounds a week. I could do that. This morning I visited my surgeon and had another 3/4cc added to my adjustable lapband. That should also help since I should be tight enough to restrict my eating portions dramatically. Even now sitting here I have to drink slowly so the liquid can clear.
During my bipolar episode, holiday cooking and baking, back injury, double knee injuries, and just plain not caring made me actually gain weight. Like 7 or 8 pounds since before Thanksgiving. I'm back in the gym now and trying to watch my calories and size of portions. I was super impressed when I walk/jogged 2 miles in 31 minutes some time ago and I have been carving that time down each week. I got it down to 30 minutes and thought that I couldn't do better until I was skinnier, but I continued to shave time and this morning I made 29 minutes flat! I jogged a quick pace on and off. I jogged the first five minutes which is my best continuous jog. I would like to jog the entire two miles at some point this spring. I'll probably have to increase my distance to three miles because I must jog for at least 30 minutes and then work on my upper body for an additional 30 minutes. I didn't go to the gym Saturday or Sunday because it's too busy, but I did go four days last week so I jogged eight miles. This week I have already jogged 4 miles so I should reach my weekly goal of 10 miles or more.
Oh yeah, I weighed in at 332 this morning on the doctor's scale which is as low as I have ever been, but I really should have lost about 12 more pounds in that time. Now I have to play catch up if I want to hit 299 - by my birthday on March 19. I've been real good for the last few days so I know I can do it and maybe since my body didn't lose a bunch of weight during this time, I might be able to kick into high gear and lose weight as rapidly as I did in the beginning. I would really like to be at 300 or less by March 1st. That's 44 days or so. That would be five pounds a week. I could do that. This morning I visited my surgeon and had another 3/4cc added to my adjustable lapband. That should also help since I should be tight enough to restrict my eating portions dramatically. Even now sitting here I have to drink slowly so the liquid can clear.
Friday, January 6, 2012
I cook my family (7 to 8 people depending) gourmet food almost every night
I still have a knot on my lower left back and I still feel tender, but I really needed to get back to the gym. I feel so much better, stronger, and more inspired to stick with the diet. It is so simple. Workout everyday for 30 minutes and only eat 1/4 cup of food three times a day. On days that I can accomplish that I lose at least a pound. Unfortunately there are distractions. I'm the cook and I make some incredible food, but some of it... okay, most of it is terribly fattening. I cook like Paul Dean. Butter, butter, cheese, heavy milk, ect...
Last night I grilled some salmon steaks marinated in a simple lemon lime butter sauce with some light Italian spices. I baked a small loaf of Tuscan hard crust bread. Steamed some spinach and made my own stuffed mushrooms (easy to make and a family favorite). The family loves pastries and my wife loves chocolate. She is barely over-weight and quite healthy. So I made some cream puffs with my favorite filling. I took some confectioners sugar, a package of vanilla pudding, heavy whipping cream, and about a cup of softened Nutella and whipped it for about eight to ten minutes until it had almost doubled in size. Then I stuffed the puffs and dusted the tops with powdered sugar. They were sinfully awesome. I made more than 30 and I am sure that if I check the garage refrigerator there might be one or tow or none left.
Tonight I am going to pressure cook some beef roast or something and braze some asparagus spears. I'll also cook some wild rice and make a salad. At some point today I will bake the weekends fresh white bread and bake several bread bowls for artichoke and spinach dip for Sunday's football game. I am also going to make some more smaller pastry puffs and fill them with a mushroom, cream cheese, burgundy, and walnut puree or something like that.
This week I have also made BBQ beef brisket, chimichongos, spare ribs, and... I can't remember cooking on Sunday. Anyway, this boy can cook which is ironic since I don't eat most of which I cook. I love my family and I like to feed them good home made dinners and, oh yeah, I forgot; I made monstrous breakfasts twice over the New Years weekend. I like making french toast out of home made rolls sliced or homemade bread. Killer good.
Back to the gym. On Wednesday I went in as a test run and jog/walked two miles in a record breaking 30 minutes and 27 seconds. Thursday 30 M 13 S. This morning 30m 27s. So I've already jogged six miles this week and I'm feeling great. I haven't touch weights because my back is still if'y. I should be able to do Sat and Sun to give me ten miles this week. This morning I ate a small bowl of cream of wheat and I'll probably pouch an egg for lunch. I'll eat whatever protein I end up cooking tonight. Now, I'm going to work on my book.
Last night I grilled some salmon steaks marinated in a simple lemon lime butter sauce with some light Italian spices. I baked a small loaf of Tuscan hard crust bread. Steamed some spinach and made my own stuffed mushrooms (easy to make and a family favorite). The family loves pastries and my wife loves chocolate. She is barely over-weight and quite healthy. So I made some cream puffs with my favorite filling. I took some confectioners sugar, a package of vanilla pudding, heavy whipping cream, and about a cup of softened Nutella and whipped it for about eight to ten minutes until it had almost doubled in size. Then I stuffed the puffs and dusted the tops with powdered sugar. They were sinfully awesome. I made more than 30 and I am sure that if I check the garage refrigerator there might be one or tow or none left.
Tonight I am going to pressure cook some beef roast or something and braze some asparagus spears. I'll also cook some wild rice and make a salad. At some point today I will bake the weekends fresh white bread and bake several bread bowls for artichoke and spinach dip for Sunday's football game. I am also going to make some more smaller pastry puffs and fill them with a mushroom, cream cheese, burgundy, and walnut puree or something like that.
This week I have also made BBQ beef brisket, chimichongos, spare ribs, and... I can't remember cooking on Sunday. Anyway, this boy can cook which is ironic since I don't eat most of which I cook. I love my family and I like to feed them good home made dinners and, oh yeah, I forgot; I made monstrous breakfasts twice over the New Years weekend. I like making french toast out of home made rolls sliced or homemade bread. Killer good.
Back to the gym. On Wednesday I went in as a test run and jog/walked two miles in a record breaking 30 minutes and 27 seconds. Thursday 30 M 13 S. This morning 30m 27s. So I've already jogged six miles this week and I'm feeling great. I haven't touch weights because my back is still if'y. I should be able to do Sat and Sun to give me ten miles this week. This morning I ate a small bowl of cream of wheat and I'll probably pouch an egg for lunch. I'll eat whatever protein I end up cooking tonight. Now, I'm going to work on my book.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year's Resolutions
Okay, I'm not really playing fair here. If I said, "I want to lose 20 pounds," I would really be talking about what I'm actually going to lose in January. Here, try this; "I resolve to lose 140 pounds this year." That would be stupid, right? Wrong. I will lose 140 pounds this year. What was once a fantasy is now reality.
No one, including skinny people, could possibly imagine the euphoria of losing this much weight. A new car doesn't feel the same. Maybe a new love, but even still, one wouldn't really know if the relationship would stick for the rest of ones life; however, I know that the weight that I lose will be gone forever.
That being said, the month of December is proof that adjustable lapband surgery is not full proof. Maybe gastric bypass is, but anyone, including me, can blow an opportunity and that is what this lapband is. It is an opportunity to change your life.
This is how you screw up a whole month of losing weight. Wait for it.... I spent the entire month of December baking, cooking, and candy making for friends, family and, unfortunately, for myself. Fudge is my mistress and my enemy. I love fudge. Especially the white chocolate pecan fudge I invented. Well, I didn't invent it, but I did come up with my recipe without a recipe.
I ate like anyone else at Christmas and now I must pay, but a contributing factor to my weight stagnation (zero lost, only a few added) was injuries to my knees and then that weird unexplained back injury. I'm still wearing a back brace and nursing the knot in my lower left side so I haven't been to the gym in weeks if not the month of December.
The ideal recipe for losing this much weight entails prescribed eating (1/4 cup of stuff that doesn't get stuck at the lapband) and working out. Now, everyone should know that a two hour workout equals about the lose in calories of a doughnut... with filling and frosting and I digress and am now hungry for a doughnut. The real reason you need to work out is so that you feel energetic and fit. Along with the weight loss the muscle building makes me euphoric. Speaking of the gym, I went there earlier today to see if my back brace can protect me from further injury if I only walk fast on the treadmill, but the gym was packed with old folks taking classes like working your butt off to the oldies. They should be gone by now so I should probably go back and try to walk two miles on the treadmill. No basketball or weights. I wouldn't even try to swim today for fear of further extending my back recovery. With that, good night and good luck. And a Happy New Year. ~ Christopher
No one, including skinny people, could possibly imagine the euphoria of losing this much weight. A new car doesn't feel the same. Maybe a new love, but even still, one wouldn't really know if the relationship would stick for the rest of ones life; however, I know that the weight that I lose will be gone forever.
That being said, the month of December is proof that adjustable lapband surgery is not full proof. Maybe gastric bypass is, but anyone, including me, can blow an opportunity and that is what this lapband is. It is an opportunity to change your life.
This is how you screw up a whole month of losing weight. Wait for it.... I spent the entire month of December baking, cooking, and candy making for friends, family and, unfortunately, for myself. Fudge is my mistress and my enemy. I love fudge. Especially the white chocolate pecan fudge I invented. Well, I didn't invent it, but I did come up with my recipe without a recipe.
I ate like anyone else at Christmas and now I must pay, but a contributing factor to my weight stagnation (zero lost, only a few added) was injuries to my knees and then that weird unexplained back injury. I'm still wearing a back brace and nursing the knot in my lower left side so I haven't been to the gym in weeks if not the month of December.
The ideal recipe for losing this much weight entails prescribed eating (1/4 cup of stuff that doesn't get stuck at the lapband) and working out. Now, everyone should know that a two hour workout equals about the lose in calories of a doughnut... with filling and frosting and I digress and am now hungry for a doughnut. The real reason you need to work out is so that you feel energetic and fit. Along with the weight loss the muscle building makes me euphoric. Speaking of the gym, I went there earlier today to see if my back brace can protect me from further injury if I only walk fast on the treadmill, but the gym was packed with old folks taking classes like working your butt off to the oldies. They should be gone by now so I should probably go back and try to walk two miles on the treadmill. No basketball or weights. I wouldn't even try to swim today for fear of further extending my back recovery. With that, good night and good luck. And a Happy New Year. ~ Christopher
Monday, December 19, 2011
Cookie fudge sabotage! And, severe back muscle spasms
Actually I'm quite surprised that I haven't gained more weight than I have. I've gained about 3 pounds since the Beginning of December. I blame it on my holiday cooking and luscious fudge. Not only am I a gourmet cook, but I am also one hell of a good baker. I'm not really too worried about the weight because some of it is most likely water bloating. I'll take my water pill this morning. I didn't take them Fri-Sun because we were shopping and all that. I didn't want to be running to the Macy's potty every 10 minutes.
Nonetheless, I am the cookie/fudge king. I like Christmas and what would Christmas be like without cookies? So I baked and decorated dozens upon dozens. I have my fudge down to an art. The first time I tried to make the fudge, I did it the hard way bringing the mix up to 238 degrees ect... and they turned out sugar grainy even though I used confectioners sugar. I made ginger bread, sugar, and Hungarian Pecan cookies as well, but here is my sure fire fudge recipe... It's so easy it's stupid and the fudge comes out perfect every time:
First I put about 2 tablespoons of butter into a medium sized pan and let it melt without burning. Then I add one can of condensed sweet milk plus 1 1/2 to 2 cups of sugar and a dash of salt then I bring it to a boil while stirring like a crazed man so it doesn't burn. Then I remove it from the heat and add chocolate chips (doesn't really matter what kind. You choose.) and a good cup to a cup and a half of small marshmallows or jet puffed marshmallow cream for the jar. Finally, I add the optional nuts and stir it all together until it is completely and evenly chocolate color. Then pour it out evenly into a glass pan or something that allows the fudge to spread out to an inch or so thick.
Yesterday I tried adding 1 1/2 tablespoons of vanilla extract and Ghirardelli white chocolate chips with almost two cups of chopped pecans. KILLER GOOD!
Now the trick is to eat and taste just a bit while cooking and then stay away from the finished product. Yea right. Just remember that, if you've had bariatric surgery, your body is going to try to keep as much of the fat in the fudge as possible. My weight loss really stagnated, but I can get back into the ballgame in two or three days.
Back pain: I think the shifting fat (downwards) has pulled on my back which resulted in a spasm pain that wrapped around my entire abdomen. I had to start wearing this funky back brace just to stand up. Today I'll call the doctor and see if he wants to check out my spleen or anything because sometimes the pain can be quiet severe. I wonder... is this phenomena common amongst bariatric patients?
Nonetheless, I am the cookie/fudge king. I like Christmas and what would Christmas be like without cookies? So I baked and decorated dozens upon dozens. I have my fudge down to an art. The first time I tried to make the fudge, I did it the hard way bringing the mix up to 238 degrees ect... and they turned out sugar grainy even though I used confectioners sugar. I made ginger bread, sugar, and Hungarian Pecan cookies as well, but here is my sure fire fudge recipe... It's so easy it's stupid and the fudge comes out perfect every time:
First I put about 2 tablespoons of butter into a medium sized pan and let it melt without burning. Then I add one can of condensed sweet milk plus 1 1/2 to 2 cups of sugar and a dash of salt then I bring it to a boil while stirring like a crazed man so it doesn't burn. Then I remove it from the heat and add chocolate chips (doesn't really matter what kind. You choose.) and a good cup to a cup and a half of small marshmallows or jet puffed marshmallow cream for the jar. Finally, I add the optional nuts and stir it all together until it is completely and evenly chocolate color. Then pour it out evenly into a glass pan or something that allows the fudge to spread out to an inch or so thick.
Yesterday I tried adding 1 1/2 tablespoons of vanilla extract and Ghirardelli white chocolate chips with almost two cups of chopped pecans. KILLER GOOD!
Now the trick is to eat and taste just a bit while cooking and then stay away from the finished product. Yea right. Just remember that, if you've had bariatric surgery, your body is going to try to keep as much of the fat in the fudge as possible. My weight loss really stagnated, but I can get back into the ballgame in two or three days.
Back pain: I think the shifting fat (downwards) has pulled on my back which resulted in a spasm pain that wrapped around my entire abdomen. I had to start wearing this funky back brace just to stand up. Today I'll call the doctor and see if he wants to check out my spleen or anything because sometimes the pain can be quiet severe. I wonder... is this phenomena common amongst bariatric patients?
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Yet another band adjustment and a new weight loss sprint
Yesterday I had another saline injection into my port. The surgeon suggested 1/2 cc and I suggested 1cc so we met in the middle and went with 3/4 cc. I should have asked him how many total cc's I have had. By my estimation, I've probably maybe had about 6 3/4 cc. I don't know what the average is. However; I do know that I now have to be patient and careful taking my bipolar meds. I can't take more than one at a time and I have to let each one settle through the opening otherwise they seem to get stuck and that's a bitch. Anyway, I've only been eating hot cream of wheat (Maybe you folks in Russia know what grits are. Basically the same thing). For the first time I really have to let liquids settle through. If I drink cold water or iced tea I can feel it sit there. It goes down fairly quickly, but I still have to be mindful.
I did have a blood test result that showed that my liver and kidney functions have come down closer to high end normal. It's a good thing. I know that the 20 to 30% of my liver that is working is doing a good job. I didn't have a platelet count done, but I should have. I imagine it hasn't changed much. It's probably bouncing around 70,000 to 90,000 (150,000 being low end normal and 250,000 normal). I am seriously low on vitamin D3. I've been taking 6,000IU, but they have been gelcaps and they haven't done a thing. My primary care physician has instructed me to take 5,000 to 6,000IU of tablet form of vitamin D3. And, I should try to take them with food to slow the absorption. As far as nutrition goes, I'm doing fine with the high protein diet and bariatric supplements. I have been getting B12 injections every month from the surgeon.
I had a mess of a time with my insurance and the surgeon's billing service. The invoices showed that I owed $750 USD as a co-pay. I talked to the insurance at length because I didn't understand why I was paying an 80/20 split on the surgeon bill when I didn't have to on the hospital bill. And then they said that I had to meet the co-pay minimum and I told them that I already paid the hospital $4,500 USD and that should more than cover any co-pay requirements. My biggest concern really wasn't about the $750, it was really that I thought I was being cheated out of my lifetime benefit of $7,500 USD. They paid the hospital their $4,500 (and I paid my $4,500) so they are all taken care of; however, they only paid the surgeon $1,250 leaving $1,750 yet to be paid. As I know understand it, the insurance will keep paying for the "adjustments" until they have exhausted the $1,750. So, I'm not going to lose the $1,750. I have a friend who's insurance paid for the surgery, but then only paid for a few of the "adjustment" appointments and now she's on her own and she can't afford to have the adjustments so she's kind of screwed. All that money; all that effort and she's stuck.
My damaged cartilage feels better so I hit the gym yesterday and today. Yesterday I took it easy and only walked on the treadmill. Well, kind of speed walking. I don't know how fast I completed the 2 miles, but today I did and I broke my old record just walking like a madman instead of jogging. I figure that as long as I don't jog or run I shouldn't be re-injuring it. After yesterday my left MCL hurt, but I know that pain and it's just inflammation and I can ice down for that. Anyway, today I played basketball against myself for 45 mins to an hour (not sure again) and I worked up a healthy sweat. Then I went back to the gym and there was no treadmills available so I worked out on the machines until one became available. It's usually not that busy and there are plenty of mills, but there was the entire retirement community there today??? So I got on the treadmill and did 2 miles in exactly 31 minutes which I think is good because I am still getting over an injury.
One last thought: My bipolar disorder is becoming more intense as I age. I do have my meds adjusted, but sometimes I'm barely able to keep it together. Not so many panic attacks, but more manic behavior. Bless my wife for not choking me in my sleep. Also, the weight loss and the exercise have done nothing to improve my chronic spleen pain so I still have to take oxycodone twice a day. I think it's a low dose and it only takes enough of the pain so it becomes tolerable.
I did have a blood test result that showed that my liver and kidney functions have come down closer to high end normal. It's a good thing. I know that the 20 to 30% of my liver that is working is doing a good job. I didn't have a platelet count done, but I should have. I imagine it hasn't changed much. It's probably bouncing around 70,000 to 90,000 (150,000 being low end normal and 250,000 normal). I am seriously low on vitamin D3. I've been taking 6,000IU, but they have been gelcaps and they haven't done a thing. My primary care physician has instructed me to take 5,000 to 6,000IU of tablet form of vitamin D3. And, I should try to take them with food to slow the absorption. As far as nutrition goes, I'm doing fine with the high protein diet and bariatric supplements. I have been getting B12 injections every month from the surgeon.
I had a mess of a time with my insurance and the surgeon's billing service. The invoices showed that I owed $750 USD as a co-pay. I talked to the insurance at length because I didn't understand why I was paying an 80/20 split on the surgeon bill when I didn't have to on the hospital bill. And then they said that I had to meet the co-pay minimum and I told them that I already paid the hospital $4,500 USD and that should more than cover any co-pay requirements. My biggest concern really wasn't about the $750, it was really that I thought I was being cheated out of my lifetime benefit of $7,500 USD. They paid the hospital their $4,500 (and I paid my $4,500) so they are all taken care of; however, they only paid the surgeon $1,250 leaving $1,750 yet to be paid. As I know understand it, the insurance will keep paying for the "adjustments" until they have exhausted the $1,750. So, I'm not going to lose the $1,750. I have a friend who's insurance paid for the surgery, but then only paid for a few of the "adjustment" appointments and now she's on her own and she can't afford to have the adjustments so she's kind of screwed. All that money; all that effort and she's stuck.
My damaged cartilage feels better so I hit the gym yesterday and today. Yesterday I took it easy and only walked on the treadmill. Well, kind of speed walking. I don't know how fast I completed the 2 miles, but today I did and I broke my old record just walking like a madman instead of jogging. I figure that as long as I don't jog or run I shouldn't be re-injuring it. After yesterday my left MCL hurt, but I know that pain and it's just inflammation and I can ice down for that. Anyway, today I played basketball against myself for 45 mins to an hour (not sure again) and I worked up a healthy sweat. Then I went back to the gym and there was no treadmills available so I worked out on the machines until one became available. It's usually not that busy and there are plenty of mills, but there was the entire retirement community there today??? So I got on the treadmill and did 2 miles in exactly 31 minutes which I think is good because I am still getting over an injury.
One last thought: My bipolar disorder is becoming more intense as I age. I do have my meds adjusted, but sometimes I'm barely able to keep it together. Not so many panic attacks, but more manic behavior. Bless my wife for not choking me in my sleep. Also, the weight loss and the exercise have done nothing to improve my chronic spleen pain so I still have to take oxycodone twice a day. I think it's a low dose and it only takes enough of the pain so it becomes tolerable.
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