It has been a difficult two weeks. On Monday the 12th of September, my father-in-law, Jerry, had a massive stroke. We drove from Colorado to Little Rock Arkansas that afternoon and arrived the next morning. It is nearly a 1,000 mile trek and I had to abuse my manic tendencies to drive the distance so my wife would be rested when we got to the hospital.
After five days he wasn't responding, but he seemed stable so we came home so Cheri could go to work on Monday. On Monday morning I called to check in with my mother-in-law and she told me he was having strokes on the other side of his body. I freaked. I thought that this was it so we drove back down to Arkansas because we didn't want her mom to be alone during this crisis. The week wore on and one moment he seemed to know that we were there and then he would not respond at all, but he remained stable so we came home last Saturday. I haven't called in to see how he's doing today. At this point our next trip will be for his funeral.
All of this driving for 14 hours straight and eating truck stop crap along with hospital food and fast food and just plain crappy food coupled with the fact that I had intentionally threw myself into hypo-mania four times plus having recently come off of a bad bipolar episode not only exhausted me, but it also changed the weight loss trend from down to stagnant to up.
Frankly, I didn't have the emotional will power to stay on my diet, plus I really don't feel the lapband yet. I need a few more adjustments so I can actually feel it and so I am truly restricted in food intake. Right now I think I could pretty much eat anything I want so losing weight is pure will power.
While I stopped losing weight, thus solidifying the truth that the lapband is a tool not a solution, I didn't gain all that much and I should be back down to pre-Jerry levels by the end of the week. At this point I will be happy to have lost 70 pounds by the time I go to NYC Thanksgiving week. Today I am at 43 pounds lost and I will be back to 50 pounds lost quickly... unless I have to run to Arkansas soon.
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wednesday July 13th 2011 ~ Blogging with purpose
As I near the joyous day of realizebandedness I am reminded of my original purpose in this blog. I was talking to a friend about my 2009 trek (aborted trek) to bariatric surgery. If you remember back 341 posts ago you might recall that I changed my mind about the surgery just before I was to pick a date because I stumbled into a pro-vegan book "Skinny Bastard." I thought that I better give vegan a chance. Combined with a grueling exercise regiment I lost about 35 pounds that summer and then gained it back as my metabolism adjusted and I just gave up on it.
Anyway, my friend told me that I should share my struggle in an honest and frank way so that others may benefit from my experience. At some point I added bipolar post because I am... bipolar and it does have a substantial affect on weight loss. For one, most of the bipolar meds cause weight gain and as an emotional mess that eats when he's stressed, being bipolar is an extra umph to the struggle.
At this point I am going to start Google-izing (advertising) on Google because this is the eve of my life changing surgery. I will be posting everything about the surgery; how it felt, how I felt, how my wife felt, ect...
I fully expect the first week after the surgery to suck big time because your stomach swells as a reaction to the surgery and I'll be on a liquids only diet for that week. And I have no illusions. This surgery is going to give me my body back, but the trade off is that eating and drinking will suck. Cup your hand. You probably have about one to one and a half cups. That's more than I will be eating in any given day for the rest of my life.
What happens when you cheat? First, you throw up anytime you eat too much or something gooey or something stringy or something greasy or anything that might get stuck in your new little tummy. If you repeat overeating or cheating you will defeat the purpose of the Realize Band. Remember: it is a tool not a cure. If you overeat consistently, you will stretch your little tummy out and probably force the ring out of place. The nurse said that if you vomit too much or too strong you may also dislodge the ring and... bam! Back to surgery. It is possible to get something so stuck that it requires a visit to the emergency room.
I have no illusions. This will be the hardest thing I will be doing in my life, but it is necessary if I want to get onto the liver transplant list (stage four liver cirrhosis caused by being fat). But, I'm ready. Bring it on! I am going to set the record for miraculous "healthy" weight loss! You can be with me everyday. It'll be fun. Bring a friend.
Anyway, my friend told me that I should share my struggle in an honest and frank way so that others may benefit from my experience. At some point I added bipolar post because I am... bipolar and it does have a substantial affect on weight loss. For one, most of the bipolar meds cause weight gain and as an emotional mess that eats when he's stressed, being bipolar is an extra umph to the struggle.
At this point I am going to start Google-izing (advertising) on Google because this is the eve of my life changing surgery. I will be posting everything about the surgery; how it felt, how I felt, how my wife felt, ect...
I fully expect the first week after the surgery to suck big time because your stomach swells as a reaction to the surgery and I'll be on a liquids only diet for that week. And I have no illusions. This surgery is going to give me my body back, but the trade off is that eating and drinking will suck. Cup your hand. You probably have about one to one and a half cups. That's more than I will be eating in any given day for the rest of my life.
I have no illusions. This will be the hardest thing I will be doing in my life, but it is necessary if I want to get onto the liver transplant list (stage four liver cirrhosis caused by being fat). But, I'm ready. Bring it on! I am going to set the record for miraculous "healthy" weight loss! You can be with me everyday. It'll be fun. Bring a friend.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Tuesday July 12th 2011 - Another bipolar episode
First, the good news; the surgeon's office called my insurance to start the approval process again and my health insurance, Anthem BC BS, told them that the date of operation just had to be changed and everything was ready to go. So, the hospital/surgeon pre-operation appointments are set for July 29th and the surgery stands at August 3rd. Just twenty-two days away!
Last night I sent in my loan paperwork and I'm going to the cemetery this afternoon to close the final deal on the sale of the last two plots. The loan is $3,000 and the plot sale is $2,200. Combined with the $2,000 plus in savings and I easily have my rough $6,000 covered plus I can pay off all of my credit cards. My credit cards were nearly paid off until I had the car repair and my son dropped coffee into his laptop.
So, I thought I had my father's death anniversary under control, but I was wrong. On Saturday, my wife and I had a nice lunch with friends and then went to see the new movie "Horrible Bosses." The movie was hilarious and returned home in a good mood. And then it hit me. I'm not sure what set it off, but I started snipping at anyone and everyone as soon as I entered the house. I knew I was being irrational and no one deserved my attitude so I left the house and drove into the mountains by myself.
My attitude was quickly slipping into a panic attack so I took the appropriate medication (a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety pill). By the time I was 20 minutes into my drive I was feeling better, but not well enough to go back home. Instead I drove up to a National Park just north of Evergreen Colorado. It had just rained so the air was crisp and the park bench was a bit wet.
As I sat next to a beautiful mountain meadow the only noises that interrupted complete silence was the occasional dart of a bird and the incessant call of a mother Elk to her baby Elks. There were so many Elk around me that at any given time I could watch young Elk frolicking about 30 yards from me and many female Elks grazing in the meadow right in front of me. I sat real quiet and four Elk walked within 10 feet of me. It was beautiful and it knocked me back into shape. I returned home a changed man and the rest of the weekend went well.
Last night I sent in my loan paperwork and I'm going to the cemetery this afternoon to close the final deal on the sale of the last two plots. The loan is $3,000 and the plot sale is $2,200. Combined with the $2,000 plus in savings and I easily have my rough $6,000 covered plus I can pay off all of my credit cards. My credit cards were nearly paid off until I had the car repair and my son dropped coffee into his laptop.
So, I thought I had my father's death anniversary under control, but I was wrong. On Saturday, my wife and I had a nice lunch with friends and then went to see the new movie "Horrible Bosses." The movie was hilarious and returned home in a good mood. And then it hit me. I'm not sure what set it off, but I started snipping at anyone and everyone as soon as I entered the house. I knew I was being irrational and no one deserved my attitude so I left the house and drove into the mountains by myself.
My attitude was quickly slipping into a panic attack so I took the appropriate medication (a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety pill). By the time I was 20 minutes into my drive I was feeling better, but not well enough to go back home. Instead I drove up to a National Park just north of Evergreen Colorado. It had just rained so the air was crisp and the park bench was a bit wet.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Saturday July 9th 2011 - Weight gain associated with Bipolar medications
Weight gain is one of the most common and difficult side effects of many of the medications used to treat bipolar disorder and other psychiatric illness. The most common types of bipolar meds are atypical anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-manics or “Mood Stabilizers” and anti-seizure medications.
When I was initially diagnosed as Bipolar in 2001, my psychiatrist put me on a combination of anti-psychotics including Seroquel, Lithium, Depakote, and clozapine. All of these drugs are in the highest weight gain risk group. I was already obese, but these drugs made it impossible to lose weight. True to the claims, I gained weight like a sumo wrestler.
Through the years I have adjusted my bipolar "menu" to Lamictal, Hydroxyzine, Seroquel, and Lorazepam. Lamictal is an anti-manic mood-stabilizer. Hydroxyzine and Lorazepam are anti-anxiety meds. Seroquel is an anti-psychotic. I've been on these drugs for over four years and they are very effective. I still suffer from the symptoms of being manic-depressive and I still have panic attacks, but I'm not totally incapacitated by them. I'm sure that I would be incapacitated and a puddle of useless poop without these medications.
I have borrowed the following quick reference guide from a Candida Fink, MD's blog article at http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar/2008/10/preventing-and-reversing-weight-gain-associated-with-psychiatric-medications/
Atypical Antipsychotics
Almost all of the atypical antipsychotics are notorious for causing fairly significant weight gain in most (but not all) people who take them. Here’s the list of culprits ranked from most to least risk for causing weight gain:
Antidepressants and Antianxiety Medications
Antidepressants and antianxiety medications all have some risk of weight gain, although not typically in the same severe range as the antipsychotics. The risk seems to be more individualized – some people notice a lot of change in appetite and weight and some notice little. Occasionally, some people actually lose weight on these meds. In addition, these medications do not carry specifically the risks of diabetes and high cholesterol.
The most common antidepressants and antianxiety medications are the SSRI’s and SNRI’s (the weight gain risk really depends on the individual):
The most important factor here is good communication with your prescriber and regular monitoring of the medications and their effects – both good and bad. Some weight gain may be unavoidable, but try to be honest with your doctor about what you will and will not live with in this department.
When I was initially diagnosed as Bipolar in 2001, my psychiatrist put me on a combination of anti-psychotics including Seroquel, Lithium, Depakote, and clozapine. All of these drugs are in the highest weight gain risk group. I was already obese, but these drugs made it impossible to lose weight. True to the claims, I gained weight like a sumo wrestler.
Through the years I have adjusted my bipolar "menu" to Lamictal, Hydroxyzine, Seroquel, and Lorazepam. Lamictal is an anti-manic mood-stabilizer. Hydroxyzine and Lorazepam are anti-anxiety meds. Seroquel is an anti-psychotic. I've been on these drugs for over four years and they are very effective. I still suffer from the symptoms of being manic-depressive and I still have panic attacks, but I'm not totally incapacitated by them. I'm sure that I would be incapacitated and a puddle of useless poop without these medications.
I have borrowed the following quick reference guide from a Candida Fink, MD's blog article at http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar/2008/10/preventing-and-reversing-weight-gain-associated-with-psychiatric-medications/
Atypical Antipsychotics
Almost all of the atypical antipsychotics are notorious for causing fairly significant weight gain in most (but not all) people who take them. Here’s the list of culprits ranked from most to least risk for causing weight gain:
- High risk: Olanzapine (Zyprexa), quetiapine (Seroquel), risperidone (Risperdal), aripiprazole (Abilify), and clozapin (Clozaril)
- Little to no risk: Ziprasidone (Geodon) and older first-generation antipsychotics such as perphenazine (Trilafon)
The weight gain from antipsychotics appears to come from increased appetite (“hyperphagia”) and some changes in metabolism. This family of medicines also has varying degrees of risk of certain health risks such as diabetes and elevated cholesterol, which may be related to the medication’s effect on metabolism.
Antidepressants and Antianxiety Medications
Antidepressants and antianxiety medications all have some risk of weight gain, although not typically in the same severe range as the antipsychotics. The risk seems to be more individualized – some people notice a lot of change in appetite and weight and some notice little. Occasionally, some people actually lose weight on these meds. In addition, these medications do not carry specifically the risks of diabetes and high cholesterol.
The most common antidepressants and antianxiety medications are the SSRI’s and SNRI’s (the weight gain risk really depends on the individual):
- SSRI’s: Fluoxetine (Prozac), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), and citalopram (Celexa) are some examples.
- SNRI’s: Venlafaxine (Effexor) and Duloxetine (Cymbalta) are the most common.
Anti-Manics or “Mood Stabilizers” and Anti-Seizure Medications
Mood stabilizers and the anti-seizure medications often used to treat or prevent mania may also carry the risk of causing weight gain, but the risk varies depending on the medication and its effect on the person taking it:- High risk: Valproic acid (Depakote)
- Moderate risk: Lithium
- Low risk: Lamotrigine (Lamictal) and carbemazapine (Tegretol)
Curbing Weight Gain via Medication
When medication triggers weight gain, one of the more obvious solutions is through medications – either selecting a different medication that’s less likely to cause weight gain or adding a medication that has a track record for negating the weight-gain side effect.The most important factor here is good communication with your prescriber and regular monitoring of the medications and their effects – both good and bad. Some weight gain may be unavoidable, but try to be honest with your doctor about what you will and will not live with in this department.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tuesday July 5th. 2011 - Independence Day weekend
My brother was initially going to have a relatively small BBQ at his house, but some more people got invited and he decided to have it at Delaware Park in Littleton. The park was hosting a huge fireworks display so there were at least a thousand people with picnic blankets and overhead tents. Children were running freely between the families. Frisbee's and footballs were being thrown around all over the park. We had about 20 people in our group.
My brother had brought his huge gas grill to our spot and we had hamburgers, hot dogs, bratwursts, baked potatoes, broccoli salad, chips, soda, beer, and a 40th anniversary cake for my parents, plus someone brought a cherry pie. Out of those I had a bratwurst, broccoli salad, iced tea, and then I had cake.
The fireworks were great as usual, but my wife complained of stomach pains when we were finally headed to bed and then I woke up with an emergency diarrhea situation. After I was relieved I fell back to sleep. I still have a stomach ache, but it can't be from the BBQ. Actually, it could have been the mayonnaise. I'll have to compare notes with anyone else that got sick.
As I was sitting watching my cousins twins chow down on bottles I realized that this would be the last 4th of July picnic where I could eat anything I wanted. And my second thought was GREAT! Still can't wait!
While he was found on the 8th, I think he started the process of overdosing on July 4th because it was his favorite holiday. He was 50. I mention this not only because I get sad between July 4th and July 8th, but also because it was one of the events in my life that caused some considerable weight gain.
Some people have strained relationships with their father's, but I did not. I was his only child and he treated me like an intelligent young man. I miss him deeply. He is a famous artist and filmmaker. He was also bipolar and an alcoholic. His work can be found at PaulSharits.com . Have a good week.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Sunday July 3rd 2011 - Anticipation
I keep looking at the calendar. August 3rd couldn't come fast enough. It may be the biggest life changing event in my life. It's just below August 11th 1984 when I married my wife and high school sweetheart. It would also fall below the births of my three sons, but that's about it. I hold my education, both formal and in life, in high esteem, but definitely below bariatric surgery. None of my professional feats can even compare. If I won the lottery, it would still be below bariatric surgery... maybe.
Think about it. I am going to time travel back to the days when dieting was something that other people had to do. As a young man I had a physically demanding warehouse job and I could eat like a bear and not gain weight. I looked great in a speedo. Sexy muscular legs. I miss my sexy legs. But, then I entered the ranks of supervisory management at age 20 and never went back to blue collar work. Back when I was thin I could buy clothes off the rack of any store. Back when I was thin Ronald Reagan was president. I'll be going clear back to B.C. (before children).
But life is about to change in other ways. I will never be able to chug water again (drinking too fast will cause a biological backup and could possibly stretch the stomach) or drink carbonated drinks of any kind (they stretch the stomach). I will have to stop caffeine once and for all. No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This one's huge for me: NO more bread. No rice. No expandable grains.
I am a little nervous about taking all of bipolar meds. They suggest that you get your meds in liquid form, but mine are not available. I will have to split them into small enough pieces to pass.
My eating will be restricted to less than a half a cup of food in any sitting. Actually, the goal is 1/4 cup or 2 US ounces. The type of food is dictated by texture more than calorie content which means I can pretty much take a bite of anything that isn't too thin like cream of wheat or greasy like fried chicken.
The reason bariatric surgery works is the same reason it can be blown. The purpose of the Realize band is to restrict the volume of food consumed. It also decreases the stomach acid that makes you feel hungry. When maintained properly, the opening can only be controlled by filling and draining the saline lining of the band.
The way that many people blow the surgery is by cheating. Eating unhealthy food or overeating. When you overeat it stretches out your stomach. I actually know some bariatric band patients that tried to expand their new stomach pouch. It primarily because their still addicted to food. If you stay fat in your head you will probably become fat again regardless of the surgery. It's a tool, not a cure.
Right now I avoid airplanes. I should correct that... I avoid flying economy. I can't fit into those tight chairs in coach. Starting in November of 2011 I will be flying around a lot more. I will have art related travel to NYC, Buffalo, Toronto, London, Paris, Berlin, and Italy in 2012. It is going to be much nicer after I lose my first 60 pounds. I can't wait for this surgery. Only 30 days of regular eating left! Yeah!!!
Think about it. I am going to time travel back to the days when dieting was something that other people had to do. As a young man I had a physically demanding warehouse job and I could eat like a bear and not gain weight. I looked great in a speedo. Sexy muscular legs. I miss my sexy legs. But, then I entered the ranks of supervisory management at age 20 and never went back to blue collar work. Back when I was thin I could buy clothes off the rack of any store. Back when I was thin Ronald Reagan was president. I'll be going clear back to B.C. (before children).
But life is about to change in other ways. I will never be able to chug water again (drinking too fast will cause a biological backup and could possibly stretch the stomach) or drink carbonated drinks of any kind (they stretch the stomach). I will have to stop caffeine once and for all. No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This one's huge for me: NO more bread. No rice. No expandable grains.
I am a little nervous about taking all of bipolar meds. They suggest that you get your meds in liquid form, but mine are not available. I will have to split them into small enough pieces to pass.
My eating will be restricted to less than a half a cup of food in any sitting. Actually, the goal is 1/4 cup or 2 US ounces. The type of food is dictated by texture more than calorie content which means I can pretty much take a bite of anything that isn't too thin like cream of wheat or greasy like fried chicken.
The reason bariatric surgery works is the same reason it can be blown. The purpose of the Realize band is to restrict the volume of food consumed. It also decreases the stomach acid that makes you feel hungry. When maintained properly, the opening can only be controlled by filling and draining the saline lining of the band.
The way that many people blow the surgery is by cheating. Eating unhealthy food or overeating. When you overeat it stretches out your stomach. I actually know some bariatric band patients that tried to expand their new stomach pouch. It primarily because their still addicted to food. If you stay fat in your head you will probably become fat again regardless of the surgery. It's a tool, not a cure.
Right now I avoid airplanes. I should correct that... I avoid flying economy. I can't fit into those tight chairs in coach. Starting in November of 2011 I will be flying around a lot more. I will have art related travel to NYC, Buffalo, Toronto, London, Paris, Berlin, and Italy in 2012. It is going to be much nicer after I lose my first 60 pounds. I can't wait for this surgery. Only 30 days of regular eating left! Yeah!!!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday June 30th 2011 - Happy Two Year Anniversary Blog!!
On June 29th 2009 I decided to start a blog about my trek through bariatric surgery. Shortly after I started the blog I had determined that I had not "tried" everything to lose weight so I stopped the surgical process and went vegan. I indeed lost weight and then gained it back.
When I was originally researching bariatric blogs I was very disappointed to see the bloggers dropping out of their blogging shortly after surgery. Most of the blogs I found had less than 20 posts. This is my 336th post. I pledge to continue my blog until I reach my ideal weight and even then I will continue as a sounds board for bariatric patients.
This month is my best readership month yet with just shy of 1,000 visits. In the last year I have had 7,500 visitors. My stat program got changed in June 2010 and I lost track of my visits in 2009, but, according to my notes, I had at least 3,500 visitors making my grand total 11,000 to date.
The following is my very first "Welcome" post from June 29th 2009. Surprisingly, my goals for the site have remained the same:
Welcome
When I was originally researching bariatric blogs I was very disappointed to see the bloggers dropping out of their blogging shortly after surgery. Most of the blogs I found had less than 20 posts. This is my 336th post. I pledge to continue my blog until I reach my ideal weight and even then I will continue as a sounds board for bariatric patients.
This month is my best readership month yet with just shy of 1,000 visits. In the last year I have had 7,500 visitors. My stat program got changed in June 2010 and I lost track of my visits in 2009, but, according to my notes, I had at least 3,500 visitors making my grand total 11,000 to date.
The following is my very first "Welcome" post from June 29th 2009. Surprisingly, my goals for the site have remained the same:
Welcome
Hello, welcome to my first blog. This blog is intended to encourage obese people and friends of obese people. I wanted to create an honest and frank website about losing massive amounts of weight. This is not about "losing 40 pounds in 60 days". This is my trek to good health. You can join me, post responses and questions as I enter the next chapter of my personal weight loss. I will be reproducing this blog site in the third part of my new book about "Morbid Obesity: Eat to live, not live to eat". It will follow my past path from young and fit to 44 years old and fat. The second part will be leading up to and life after bariatric surgery. More than an autobiography; the book and this site, in cooperation with medical professionals and trusted resources, will answer many of the medical questions about obese complications and the steps necessary to obtain your ideal weight and live a long and happy life.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday June 28th 2011 - Dieting in the mean time
I was pretty upset about the surgical delay. It definitely didn't help my week long bipolar depression. Yesterday was a better day emotionally and I feel pretty good today so I must be cycling back up. At least I hope so.
Good thing because I am trying to finish writing part two of my book "Night in Positano." If you're new to my blog here's a two liner about the book... "Night in Positano" tells the story of a young man from Boulder Colorado who is struggling with onset bipolar disorder and psychosis. While visiting his father in Positano Italy Nick has a major bipolar episode and attempts suicide. You can read a free preview at NightinPositano.com.
The last few months have been marked by overeating and sneaking sweet snacks. This weekend I started to really crack down on my diet. Just for this week I am eating oatmeal with nuts and raisins for breakfast and lunch. At dinner, I am only eating one small plate of food. Hopefully that will help me feel less bloated and uncomfortable.
My downfall is peanut butter and jelly at night. I get so frick'n hungry if I stay up past eleven. On Sunday I did great until my 15 year old's birthday BBQ. I only ate one plate, but I had cake and ice cream. I felt so bloated I thought I would burst. As much as I hate feeling hungry, I really hate over eating.
I am also going to return to the gym... this afternoon. I am going to renew my six month membership because I feel guilty not going four or five times a week. I want to be in as good of shape as I can be when I get my surgery so that I can really hit it like I am on the "Biggest Loser" television show.
Before I go back to writing the book I wanted to briefly address a disturbing issue. Okay, maybe two parts of an issue. First, my wife has a friend who is also losing the battle against morbid obesity and she feels horrible, defeated, and ugly. She is not ugly. As for her other thoughts, I completely understand. My wife told her that I was embarrassed to go out into public because I feel like everyone is judging me based on my weight and that I just look disgusting. That part is true. She said that she couldn't believe I thought I was hideous because I don't look that bad. I think I do. I can't wait for the surgery. But, it brings up an important point; fat people usually have a negative opinion about themselves as if their self-worth was based on their weight. I always think people has a negative opinion of me until they hear me speak and realize that I am more than a fatso.
Second, fat people are routinely picked on. The politically correct world says we can't use words that offend people, but it seems like there is an open season on making fun of the fat guy. We don't actually eat people... unless we have some good BBQ sauce. Oh and hide your babies cause we'll eat them. Oh yeah, we are so stupid and weak because we can't put the fork down. You know what I say to all that crap? F%*#$ you! No one wakes up says, "Hey, I feel like getting fat today." And becoming obese doesn't happen overnight. It is a gradual process that reaches a point of frustration where people just give up. But, why can we accept that celebrities actually need to go to treatment for being horny and we can't accept that many fat people, like me, are dealing with an addiction to food. Oh yeah, I am going to eat the next kid that snickers when I walk by.
Good thing because I am trying to finish writing part two of my book "Night in Positano." If you're new to my blog here's a two liner about the book... "Night in Positano" tells the story of a young man from Boulder Colorado who is struggling with onset bipolar disorder and psychosis. While visiting his father in Positano Italy Nick has a major bipolar episode and attempts suicide. You can read a free preview at NightinPositano.com.
The last few months have been marked by overeating and sneaking sweet snacks. This weekend I started to really crack down on my diet. Just for this week I am eating oatmeal with nuts and raisins for breakfast and lunch. At dinner, I am only eating one small plate of food. Hopefully that will help me feel less bloated and uncomfortable.
My downfall is peanut butter and jelly at night. I get so frick'n hungry if I stay up past eleven. On Sunday I did great until my 15 year old's birthday BBQ. I only ate one plate, but I had cake and ice cream. I felt so bloated I thought I would burst. As much as I hate feeling hungry, I really hate over eating.
I am also going to return to the gym... this afternoon. I am going to renew my six month membership because I feel guilty not going four or five times a week. I want to be in as good of shape as I can be when I get my surgery so that I can really hit it like I am on the "Biggest Loser" television show.
Before I go back to writing the book I wanted to briefly address a disturbing issue. Okay, maybe two parts of an issue. First, my wife has a friend who is also losing the battle against morbid obesity and she feels horrible, defeated, and ugly. She is not ugly. As for her other thoughts, I completely understand. My wife told her that I was embarrassed to go out into public because I feel like everyone is judging me based on my weight and that I just look disgusting. That part is true. She said that she couldn't believe I thought I was hideous because I don't look that bad. I think I do. I can't wait for the surgery. But, it brings up an important point; fat people usually have a negative opinion about themselves as if their self-worth was based on their weight. I always think people has a negative opinion of me until they hear me speak and realize that I am more than a fatso.
Second, fat people are routinely picked on. The politically correct world says we can't use words that offend people, but it seems like there is an open season on making fun of the fat guy. We don't actually eat people... unless we have some good BBQ sauce. Oh and hide your babies cause we'll eat them. Oh yeah, we are so stupid and weak because we can't put the fork down. You know what I say to all that crap? F%*#$ you! No one wakes up says, "Hey, I feel like getting fat today." And becoming obese doesn't happen overnight. It is a gradual process that reaches a point of frustration where people just give up. But, why can we accept that celebrities actually need to go to treatment for being horny and we can't accept that many fat people, like me, are dealing with an addiction to food. Oh yeah, I am going to eat the next kid that snickers when I walk by.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Saturday June 25th 2001 - SURGERY DELAY!!!!!!
Our insurance is through my wife's employer and it crossed its annual renewal date July 1st. Since my surgery was scheduled for July 11th the insurance told the surgeon's office that they would have to refile the packet that had already been approved. It took the insurance eight days last month and, considering the July 4th holiday, we don't think they will be able to get the new approval before my surgery date.
Considering and estimating the timing of events, we have rescheduled my pre-op appointment for July 20th. By then we will have the new approval. The actual surgery is now scheduled for August 3rd.
While I am disappointed, I believe it was God taking care of me. For one, I'm taking a working vacation to Santa Fe, New Mexico the week of July 24th. It was never a good idea to travel so soon after surgery, but I wanted the surgery so bad I was willing to ignore the obvious red flag.
In addition, it gives me more time to formulate my funding strategy. I've marked down my cemetery plots to the point that I undercut all of the competition so I am sure I will sell them soon. Losing the previous sale was near disastrous for the July 5th pre-op meeting where I needed to pay my portion of the bills. I could have done it, but it meant maxing out three of my credit cards.
As I had written previously, the peer to peer loan wasn't working because most people are unfamiliar with the lending practice. However, I did receive an approval from a medical financing company for $3,000. The loan is fine, but the origination fee is $1,000. Their justification for the huge fee is that my credit risk is too high and the fact that they would have nothing to re-possess like a tangible item like a car or a house. So basically, this company would be loaning me the money without any security. I don't like it, but I get it.
I have until July 8th to accept or decline the loan. Hopefully I won't need it, but I would rather accept the fee than max out my credit cards or borrow money from family. If you look at the whole picture, I am saving $2,000 because the hospital classified my surgery at the lower rate plus I can save $1,800 by paying the anesthesiologist and the surgical assistant early. And, of course, its just money and I would have gladly paid far more than I am actually going to pay to have the surgery. If they had told me I needed $12,000 it would have been a challenge, but I would still do it.
The main thing is that I am frustrated and seriously depressed by my weight. I do not like being fat. No one does. This surgery will literally save my life by weight loss and increasing my potential ability to have a liver transplant. I hate the delay, but it is probably a good thing.
Considering and estimating the timing of events, we have rescheduled my pre-op appointment for July 20th. By then we will have the new approval. The actual surgery is now scheduled for August 3rd.
While I am disappointed, I believe it was God taking care of me. For one, I'm taking a working vacation to Santa Fe, New Mexico the week of July 24th. It was never a good idea to travel so soon after surgery, but I wanted the surgery so bad I was willing to ignore the obvious red flag.
In addition, it gives me more time to formulate my funding strategy. I've marked down my cemetery plots to the point that I undercut all of the competition so I am sure I will sell them soon. Losing the previous sale was near disastrous for the July 5th pre-op meeting where I needed to pay my portion of the bills. I could have done it, but it meant maxing out three of my credit cards.
As I had written previously, the peer to peer loan wasn't working because most people are unfamiliar with the lending practice. However, I did receive an approval from a medical financing company for $3,000. The loan is fine, but the origination fee is $1,000. Their justification for the huge fee is that my credit risk is too high and the fact that they would have nothing to re-possess like a tangible item like a car or a house. So basically, this company would be loaning me the money without any security. I don't like it, but I get it.
I have until July 8th to accept or decline the loan. Hopefully I won't need it, but I would rather accept the fee than max out my credit cards or borrow money from family. If you look at the whole picture, I am saving $2,000 because the hospital classified my surgery at the lower rate plus I can save $1,800 by paying the anesthesiologist and the surgical assistant early. And, of course, its just money and I would have gladly paid far more than I am actually going to pay to have the surgery. If they had told me I needed $12,000 it would have been a challenge, but I would still do it.
The main thing is that I am frustrated and seriously depressed by my weight. I do not like being fat. No one does. This surgery will literally save my life by weight loss and increasing my potential ability to have a liver transplant. I hate the delay, but it is probably a good thing.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wednesday June 22nd 2011 - And some days just suck
Today sucks. I'm wired different than most people. Bipolar suffers are wired differently than others. We take chances and hang ourselves way out on a limb. We go for broke and fail to see the barriers of normal life. That is why so many bipolar people do such fantastic over the top things. That's why some of our greatest bipolar leaders like Lincoln or Churchill have done the impossible. Its because they fail to recognize impossible.
I'm that way. I can't do anything half way. I'm all in or not. When I'm manic nothing is impossible, but, when I'm depressed, nothing works. Today sucks. It seems like everything is working against me. I do so many positive things. I know that. I do things that other people wouldn't even consider trying. I genuinely think there is nothing I can't do if I apply myself. Of course, that's silly. Everyone has limitations, I just don't recognize mine.
But today, I just feel defeated, frustrated, lonely, and hopeless. On the bright side, I'll probably bounce out of this despair when I cycle up. Just have to hang one until then.
Oh yeah, remember that great idea about the peer to peer financing? It only works if other people care. Even though I sent out info to my friends on facebook and my family and friends via email, no one that I know has even invested $25. So I guess that's what my life is worth. Less than $25. Being bipolar sucks.
I'm that way. I can't do anything half way. I'm all in or not. When I'm manic nothing is impossible, but, when I'm depressed, nothing works. Today sucks. It seems like everything is working against me. I do so many positive things. I know that. I do things that other people wouldn't even consider trying. I genuinely think there is nothing I can't do if I apply myself. Of course, that's silly. Everyone has limitations, I just don't recognize mine.
But today, I just feel defeated, frustrated, lonely, and hopeless. On the bright side, I'll probably bounce out of this despair when I cycle up. Just have to hang one until then.
Oh yeah, remember that great idea about the peer to peer financing? It only works if other people care. Even though I sent out info to my friends on facebook and my family and friends via email, no one that I know has even invested $25. So I guess that's what my life is worth. Less than $25. Being bipolar sucks.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
June 19th, 2011 - Bipolar panic attack
I really have no idea why this happens other than to say that it is a symptom of my bipolar disorder. About a month ago I had several unexplained panic attacks. They happen the same as today's did.
You'd think I was happy about father's day and the surgery approval. Plus, yesterday I went with my wife and 20 year old son to Breckenridge Colorado to tour the Country Boy Gold Mine. It was awesome. I should post some pictures. I will definitely post on my facebook account. You can become my "friend" if you add a note that you are a lose250 blog reader. I think you can find me as Christopher Sharits (Lakewood Colorado) or by my email address csharits@comcast.net. After the long tour into the bowels of this picaresque rocky mountain we panned for gold. Cheri and Jeff found gold. Well, some flakes.
So anyway, I've had a great weekend and there was no reason to have a panic attack. It happened in the grocery store. I do almost all of the shopping, but today I had my wife with me. It was only a $100 trip and I was finding everything I needed on my list. All was good and then in the laundry soap isle I started to sweat. By the end of the next isle my heart rate shot up and I started to lose my breath. I told my wife we had to hurry and get home because I didn't have any lorazepam with me.
Everything became, well I think I was hyperventilating, so everything looked bright and flashy. I could hardly mask my distress. We got out to the car and I was nearly in tears. My wife tried to talk my off of the ceiling and I got back to the point where I was just hyperventilating. I slowed my breathing and we made it home. I got a huge glass of ice water and took two lorazepam. I sat and tried not to show my emotions because I knew I was irritable and could easily transfer my distress towards someone else who obviously didn't deserve it. I chilled in my bed and fell asleep until dinner. Now I feel better, but I still feel as if I was in a marathon.
You'd think I was happy about father's day and the surgery approval. Plus, yesterday I went with my wife and 20 year old son to Breckenridge Colorado to tour the Country Boy Gold Mine. It was awesome. I should post some pictures. I will definitely post on my facebook account. You can become my "friend" if you add a note that you are a lose250 blog reader. I think you can find me as Christopher Sharits (Lakewood Colorado) or by my email address csharits@comcast.net. After the long tour into the bowels of this picaresque rocky mountain we panned for gold. Cheri and Jeff found gold. Well, some flakes.
Sunday June 19, 2011 - Insurance approval letter
I did a mental cartwheel when I received this letter from my insurance company approving my Realize Band procedure and I thought I might share it.
My favorite sentence is "Based on the information provided to us, we are pleased to authorize your admission for the service(s) list above." Procedure listed above: "Lap place gastr adj device."
My favorite sentence is "Based on the information provided to us, we are pleased to authorize your admission for the service(s) list above." Procedure listed above: "Lap place gastr adj device."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday January 14th, 2010 - Bipolar disorder
I may have this in my bio or I may have mentioned it before, but I am bipolar. My dad was bipolar, my uncle was bipolar, my grandmother was bipolar, and most of her siblings were as well. The sad part is that one of my sons is bipolar. Notice the past tense? We have a lot of "was" bipolar in the family. Yes, many bipolars commit suicide.
There are many famous people who have or had bipolar disorder. Abraham Lincoln's deep bouts with depression were caused by bipolar disorder. Current stars like Mel Gibson, Richard Dreyfuss, and Jim Carey are bipolar. So was Vincent Van Gogh, Plato, Napoleon Bonaparte, Isaac Newton, and Mozart. Bipolar's tend to be bright artistic overachievers. But, with their intensity and passion for life, they also have to deal with bipolar episodes. Episodes are kind of like panic attacks, but they can last longer. It's not uncommon for someone to be in crisis for weeks or one real bad night. Many people know this disorder by it's old name, manic-depressive, but that's not completely accurate. I am what the doctors fear the most. I'm manic manic. I love the build up to a manic episode because I can get so much done. You become invincible. But, then there is the downside. You crash, but it's like watching someone else unravel because you lose your sense of control. I had a relatively minor episode last night. I could have been my cold or the medicine I've been taking or the lack of good sleep. Either way, I'm glad it was small and I'm glad that I feel fine now. Besides, I weighed in at 314.2 this morning!
There are many famous people who have or had bipolar disorder. Abraham Lincoln's deep bouts with depression were caused by bipolar disorder. Current stars like Mel Gibson, Richard Dreyfuss, and Jim Carey are bipolar. So was Vincent Van Gogh, Plato, Napoleon Bonaparte, Isaac Newton, and Mozart. Bipolar's tend to be bright artistic overachievers. But, with their intensity and passion for life, they also have to deal with bipolar episodes. Episodes are kind of like panic attacks, but they can last longer. It's not uncommon for someone to be in crisis for weeks or one real bad night. Many people know this disorder by it's old name, manic-depressive, but that's not completely accurate. I am what the doctors fear the most. I'm manic manic. I love the build up to a manic episode because I can get so much done. You become invincible. But, then there is the downside. You crash, but it's like watching someone else unravel because you lose your sense of control. I had a relatively minor episode last night. I could have been my cold or the medicine I've been taking or the lack of good sleep. Either way, I'm glad it was small and I'm glad that I feel fine now. Besides, I weighed in at 314.2 this morning!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Monday November 2nd, 2009 - Black Diamond
I got my wires crossed and went to the hand surgeon a day early. My appt is tomorrow morning. This is the first time I've lost my appt card, but at least I didn't miss the appointment. I made it to the gym again today and rode on "Monkey Pass." It's an 11 mile black diamond (difficult) course on the virtual bike. I'm going to try to get some riding in everyday even if its just 20 minutes. Today was 40 minutes and I barely beat the pace rider. Usually I beat him by 4-5 minutes, but this course was the hardest I've been on. I still averaged 15.4 miles per hour with a max of 25.8. I have better rides if I'm still a bit sore.
I'm bipolar. My dad was bipolar and his mom was bipolar ect... They both committed suicide at age 50. There is a long history of suicides in my family. Scary, but I have much better meds and treatment than they had. I am not suicidal. It's such a waste. I recently read an article about the challenges of being a bipolar parent. I've had to "deprogram" a few times, but I didn't really connect the dots with general parenting. Sometimes, I operate on emotion and I get myself in trouble with my boys. It's like sticking your foot in your mouth and not being able to get it out. It's like I can see it happening, but I can't control it. Most of the time I think I'm a pretty good father, but there are times I wish I could get back. I never really attributed it to my bipolar disorder, but it makes a lot of sense. It's not a cop out. It's a realization that might help me manage my sudden stress onset. Sometimes it better just to walk away for a while. Yet another example of being mentally and physically healthy. It's all about the whole picture.
I'm bipolar. My dad was bipolar and his mom was bipolar ect... They both committed suicide at age 50. There is a long history of suicides in my family. Scary, but I have much better meds and treatment than they had. I am not suicidal. It's such a waste. I recently read an article about the challenges of being a bipolar parent. I've had to "deprogram" a few times, but I didn't really connect the dots with general parenting. Sometimes, I operate on emotion and I get myself in trouble with my boys. It's like sticking your foot in your mouth and not being able to get it out. It's like I can see it happening, but I can't control it. Most of the time I think I'm a pretty good father, but there are times I wish I could get back. I never really attributed it to my bipolar disorder, but it makes a lot of sense. It's not a cop out. It's a realization that might help me manage my sudden stress onset. Sometimes it better just to walk away for a while. Yet another example of being mentally and physically healthy. It's all about the whole picture.
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