Saturday June 25th 2001 - SURGERY DELAY!!!!!!

Our insurance is through my wife's employer and it crossed its annual renewal date July 1st. Since my surgery was scheduled for July 11th the insurance told the surgeon's office that they would have to refile the packet that had already been approved. It took the insurance eight days last month and, considering the July 4th holiday, we don't think they will be able to get the new approval before my surgery date.

Considering and estimating the timing of events, we have rescheduled my pre-op appointment for July 20th. By then we will have the new approval. The actual surgery is now scheduled for August 3rd.

While I am disappointed, I believe it was God taking care of me. For one, I'm taking a working vacation to Santa Fe, New Mexico the week of July 24th. It was never a good idea to travel so soon after surgery, but I wanted the surgery so bad I was willing to ignore the obvious red flag.

In addition, it gives me more time to formulate my funding strategy. I've marked down my cemetery plots to the point that I undercut all of the competition so I am sure I will sell them soon. Losing the previous sale was near disastrous for the July 5th pre-op meeting where I needed to pay my portion of the bills. I could have done it, but it meant maxing out three of my credit cards.

As I had written previously, the peer to peer loan wasn't working because most people are unfamiliar with the lending practice. However, I did receive an approval from a medical financing company for $3,000. The loan is fine, but the origination fee is $1,000. Their justification for the huge fee is that my credit risk is too high and the fact that they would have nothing to re-possess like a tangible item like a car or a house. So basically, this company would be loaning me the money without any security. I don't like it, but I get it.

I have until July 8th to accept or decline the loan. Hopefully I won't need it, but I would rather accept the fee than max out my credit cards or borrow money from family. If you look at the whole picture, I am saving $2,000 because the hospital classified my surgery at the lower rate plus I can save $1,800 by paying the anesthesiologist and the surgical assistant early. And, of course, its just money and I would have gladly paid far more than I am actually going to pay to have the surgery. If they had told me I needed $12,000 it would have been a challenge, but I would still do it.

The main thing is that I am frustrated and seriously depressed by my weight. I do not like being fat. No one does. This surgery will literally save my life by weight loss and increasing my potential ability to have a liver transplant. I hate the delay, but it is probably a good thing.

Wednesday June 22nd 2011 - And some days just suck

Today sucks. I'm wired different than most people. Bipolar suffers are wired differently than others. We take chances and hang ourselves way out on a limb. We go for broke and fail to see the barriers of normal life. That is why so many bipolar people do such fantastic over the top things. That's why some of our greatest bipolar leaders like Lincoln or Churchill have done the impossible. Its because they fail to recognize impossible.

I'm that way. I can't do anything half way. I'm all in or not. When I'm manic nothing is impossible, but, when I'm depressed, nothing works. Today sucks. It seems like everything is working against me. I do so many positive things. I know that. I do things that other people wouldn't even consider trying. I genuinely think there is nothing I can't do if I apply myself. Of course, that's silly. Everyone has limitations, I just don't recognize mine.

But today, I just feel defeated, frustrated, lonely, and hopeless. On the bright side, I'll probably bounce out of this despair when I cycle up. Just have to hang one until then.

Oh yeah, remember that great idea about the peer to peer financing? It only works if other people care. Even though I sent out info to my friends on facebook and my family and friends via email, no one that I know has even invested $25. So I guess that's what my life is worth. Less than $25. Being bipolar sucks.

Early Afternoon Post 7-16-09

Woke up and weighed in at 338.4 pounds. I knew I shouldn't have eaten so many salty pistachios and last night's salad bar my have been too much. All vegan, but still. My new scale for food quality and quantity is still 1 to 5, but now the bar has been raised due to the vegan diet. Taking for granted that I'm eating vegan, the new scale will measure volume. Yesterday was a 3.

This morning's bike ride was intense. Assume you're ideal weight; now strap on or pull an extra 150 pounds. That's me. The sun was blistering bright, but the temperature was only a dry and windy 85 degrees. I rode to and around the 11.38 mile Bear Creek Reservoir trail. Deadly lifts, but rewarding downhills. Earlier this morning, I ate a bowl of bran cereal (with soy milk) and drank some water. I drank a bottle of gaderaid and some water on the ride and weighed 337.00 pounds when I returned home. I set the benchmark for the ride time at 1.22.24 hours. An average speed of 9.3 MPH. I can live with that. I may go lift weights with my son after I return from the doctor.

I'm going to add a new measurement here. I think mental health is so important that I will rate my mood on a 1 to 5 scale. Considering the pending doctor's visit, I would still give me a 4. I feel pretty darn good.

Star Date 7-4-2009; daily post

Well, it's the 4th of July. Big holiday for my boys. BBQ; Apple pie; the works. And a big challenge for dieting. I stole this funny post from a friend on facebook...
"guzzle. whee! Bang, pow! ooh, aah, whee, guzzle, chomp-chomp, slurp. bang, pow! whee! ooh, aah! guzzle, guzzle, guzzle. vroom! whoo-oo-whoo-oo-whoo-oo, "sir, may i see your license? How much have you had to drink tonight?" clang." LOL

This day is mixed for me. If I drank, this would be the day. On July 4th, 1993, my dad, the filmmaker Paul Sharits, killed himself. He was bipolar and not very good about abstaining from anything. I'm bipolar, but I have many many things I love about life and I'm really fond of good health. I plan on living for a very long time. While my disorder is balanced by meds, it brings up two very important points. Mental health is extremely important when losing weight. So much is going on, it's easy to forget depression. Get depressed; eat. Second, one of my criteria for picking a surgery was my meds and vitamins. With the bypass, meds kind of fly through you. With the "realize band" you can take your meds as usual. Talk to your doctor about this one. Also, I add a link to "Everyday Health." I strongly suggest you sign up for their daily emails. They have relevant health articles as well as easy to find information on "Top health conditions" (bipolar, ADD, ect) and they have quick links to the "Top 40 Meds."

Daily update: yesterday was good until the evening. I have a hard time controlling my hunger and sweet cravings. It's okay to have sweets, but instead of a nice big bowl of ice cream or pie, have a couple spoons, charish the flavor and walk away. Don't spit out food. That's gross. Anyway, back on topic. After I finish writing, I'm headed out to the pool. Like I said, I kind of blew it last night and had a sandwitch and a cookie way later than I should have. My weight was 345.0 again this morning.