Sunday, July 28, 2013

Still losing weight and not satisfied.

I'm on track to hitting 330 by the end of the month. I began the month at 340. My goal for the month was ten pounds. While having hit my goal I still feel like I should be losing weight faster. I'm impatient. I want to be not fat. I don't want to be "the big guy." I certainly don't want strangers to tell me "lose weight man." That really happened a few months ago in the grocery store. He left so fast I did have time to tell him I was losing weight, but he wouldn't have "heard" me anyway. 

In August my goal is 320. Hard to believe having come from 400 plus maybe 30 pounds at the beginning of the year. I didn't even register on my scale that maxed out at 400 until February at some point. Other than fitting into cars and clothes better, I still feel impatient. It is that impatience that works against me. I will succeed at kicking 300's soon enough. Ten pounds a month. Just ten pounds a month. 

People that haven't seen me for a while say I am shrinking like crazy, but I don't see it. I suppose if I could see myself in the mirror at my old weight to my new weight I would get it. I should probably take more pictures, but there in nothing I hate more than pictures. It's embarrassing. 

I'm about to go to my 30th class reunion. People will just see me as fat. They won't see the struggle. The weight I've lost. They will just compare me to the 18 year old thin guy. The guy I want so badly to be. It's embarrassing. I almost didn't want to go because I am embarrassed. Oh well, I have to over that and face the fact that people will see what they want to see. My good friends will see that I am still me. At least I hope so. I'll let you know. The reunion is August 10th. One day before my 29th anniversary to Cheri. That should be what people see. Two people still madly in love with each other.   

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bipolar Social Security Disability

It's been a long time. Sorry. I took time to concentrate on my book "Night in Positano" which I self published, but now I am going to re-write the second half because it sucks. My weight had gone up because I slowly started gaining weight and then I gave up and ballooned to possibly 429 pounds. Total failure, however, I was in the hospital for the month of January 2013 and I lost 20 pounds to 25 pounds because the food tasted bad because of the IV antibiotics and the food generally sucked anyway. In February I finally fell down to under 400 because my scale only goes to 400. Nonetheless, I lost an additional 10 pounds that month and I have basically been losing 10 to 13 pounds per month since then and I am now 333. I have it under control and I have learned my lesson. I fully anticipate continued average 10 pounds loss per month. I keep this up to date now that I don't feel like a failure.

My real reason for today's post is a favorable decision on my Bipolar Social Security Disability claim. I had initially placed a claim about two years ago because I had failed to hold gainful employment since July 2007. I didn't know you could get disability for mental disorders. Once I received a negative result I hired an attorney to help me with my appeal. That was about a year ago. Today the judge examined all of my evidence from my work history, education level, and notes and forms from my psychiatrists and therapists and the state assigned psychiatrists. I went with my lawyer and answered all of his questions about the evidence in short clear sentences. I had many different employers since 1998 to 2007 where I had either jumped ship to greener pastures or I quit before getting fired. In some cases I was fired. Apparently I do not take corrections and directions well and, when manic, I am difficult to work with and when I am depressed I simply don't want to work. My education level is eight years of upper education with one and 3/4 masters. The notes from the psychiatrists and therapists over the last few years clearly state that while I am intelligent, I am impossible to work for or with or any other capacity with others. Basically, I don't play fair in the sand box. Normally judges can take from a week to two months to make their decision, but, thanks to a good lawyer and mountains of evidence, the judge rendered in my favor on the spot. We all dropped our jaws and thanked the judge quietly and left the hearing room. My lawyer was quite happy as were my wife and I.

In a few months or less my disability payments will start and then I will receive a lump sum less my lawyer fee including one year (max) of back payments since my initial filing of the first request. This will help me get out of debt and consider different forms of Medicare. I think this will have a profound effect on my student loans, but I have yet to find out. It has been a long process and we are not quite there, but the light is near.