Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Feeling sorry for myself. boo hoo

I've had a headache that slips into a migraine if I even slightly miss taking these weird custom compounded meds every four hours since May 5th, the day I had a massive panic attack that crushed my chest and jaw and gave me the headache that remains. I also have had trouble balancing. At the moment of the un-provoked panic attack I pulled into a parking lot because I thought I was having a heart attack. I do have a serious anxiety disorder as well as rampant bipolar illness, but May 5th was the mother of all attacks and I wasn't even upset about anything. After EKG's, and CT scans that cleared me, I finally go in for a MRI tomorrow. I have medical issues which upsets me because I eat right and exercise almost everyday. I've lost 150 pounds since I started reducing my portions in January 2013. I've lost 50 pounds since the 30th class reunion. This all pisses me off and I'm ready to fight whatever comes next, but it does leave me a bit scared. Primarily of brain cancer. I was diagnosed with chronic lymphomic Leukemia (CLL) in 2007, so it was really just a matter of time, but not now damn it. I'm having too much fun living. If they can get my headaches, chronic spleen pain, liver, and the cyst in my knee taken care of I'm sure I'll live into my 90's. Yet, here I sit. Waiting. Praying. Surrounded by my loving caring family and friends, I still feel alone and scared and feeling sorry for myself. boo hoo. What a baby. I'll probably be fine. It just eats at you.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Complicated Knee

I went to the second, yet main, orthopedic "limb" surgeon and went through my problems precisely. The outside of my left knee is fairly normal, but the inside of the knee is complicated.

I have vascular insufficiency that must be addressed before surgery so now I'm going to a vascular specialist. The gist is that my blood goes down the arteries fine and then do not properly go back up causing calf swelling. Since I've lost weight the swelling has gone down considerably, but not enough for the Limb surgeon. I guess the vascular surgeon will either fix the swelling or come up with a viable plan that the Limb surgeon is comfortable with. I may have the go back and get a check-up from my infectious disease doctor from my 2013 hospitalization.

The primary surgeon wants to be sure we don't have any complications with the healing of the knee surgery. Once cleared of all other issues, he will either use a scope to clean things like the cyst, torn cartilage, torn ligament, and a bone graph to fix the hole the cyst made in one of my knee bones. It's quite clear that this is going to be a summer trek. Right now my knee doesn't hurt nearly as much as my headache and spleen issue, but, if the knee flares, it hurts more than anything. The swelling of the cyst and ligament makes everything around it hurt.

I'm not supposed to run, which I love, or jog or hike with determination. I can hike as a casual walk, but nothing like I was doing before when I didn't know about the cyst garbage. I can ride a bike and swim. This is not impossible. My gym does have bikes and a huge indoor and outdoor swimming pool. I'll convert, but I don't like it. I was working out five times a day and running four to five miles per day and then extreme hiking with Cheri on the weekend. Occasionally Greg would come along and it was great.

Anyway, the dull to extreme headaches and migraines together with a normally manageable spleen and a sore knee are getting to me. It's ruining my mania. I fear that I will soon dip back down to depressed.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Mania slipping to depression

On or about May 5th, 2014 I had an "incident." While driving, my chest tightened making it hard to breath and my neck and jaw began to throb. I thought it was just a bad panic attack and maybe it was. A few hours later, I went to the ER because I'm an idiot. I should have gone to the ER when it happened. I was right next to an ER anyway. So I went and they did their tests and concluded that I didn't have a heart attack.

But, I developed a headache that wouldn't go away. It went from headache to migraine over the following days and I returned to the doctor and he prescribed a migraine med. It kind of worked, but not really so I called again and the compounding pharmacy made a med that opened my vascular system and killed the pain. It worked which is good, but then it makes me think that if it works then there is probably a constricted vein or something. For now I'm taking my second prescription of the stuff. I usually have to take about 5 to 6 of these pills a day. I'm supposed to take two every four hours, but that makes me run out fast so I try to stay ahead of the headache, but try to tolerate what I can.

I've been very manic and I have gotten tons to projects done. I have to get knee surgery to remove a cyst that has grown in and around my left knee MCL. It has also grown into my bone so I have now three doctors and surgeons preparing to operate. It's going to put me down for awhile so I am fighting the urge to give into a depressive swing. I think the pain from my knee and the headaches are contributing to my fall backwards. Today I have a list of about 20 things to do. This was one of them and now I go. And, I have a headache.