Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Feeling sorry for myself. boo hoo

I've had a headache that slips into a migraine if I even slightly miss taking these weird custom compounded meds every four hours since May 5th, the day I had a massive panic attack that crushed my chest and jaw and gave me the headache that remains. I also have had trouble balancing. At the moment of the un-provoked panic attack I pulled into a parking lot because I thought I was having a heart attack. I do have a serious anxiety disorder as well as rampant bipolar illness, but May 5th was the mother of all attacks and I wasn't even upset about anything. After EKG's, and CT scans that cleared me, I finally go in for a MRI tomorrow. I have medical issues which upsets me because I eat right and exercise almost everyday. I've lost 150 pounds since I started reducing my portions in January 2013. I've lost 50 pounds since the 30th class reunion. This all pisses me off and I'm ready to fight whatever comes next, but it does leave me a bit scared. Primarily of brain cancer. I was diagnosed with chronic lymphomic Leukemia (CLL) in 2007, so it was really just a matter of time, but not now damn it. I'm having too much fun living. If they can get my headaches, chronic spleen pain, liver, and the cyst in my knee taken care of I'm sure I'll live into my 90's. Yet, here I sit. Waiting. Praying. Surrounded by my loving caring family and friends, I still feel alone and scared and feeling sorry for myself. boo hoo. What a baby. I'll probably be fine. It just eats at you.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story!! Im considering bariatric surgery and have been diagnosed with bp since I was 17. I was doing some research on effects of surgery on bp patients and I came across your blog. It's comforting to know there is someone that truly understands the highs and lows and not being able to have an explanation for the dark despair of depression. You a great source of inspiration...keep up the great with your weight-loss endeavors!! And keep on keepin' on....perhaps your bp episode is/was a blessing in disguise!!