Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Feeling low again today

I guess I should write about the good days as well as the bad, but today you get the bad because I have this deep rooted need to share with someone. Even if that someone doesn't know me.

Just a brief on me, if your new or if its been awhile since I've tried to summarize. I am 48 about to turn 49. I've been married to the same wonderful woman with whom I credit my very life for 30 years in August. I have three boys 24, 22, and 17. They are wonderful sympathetic gentlemen. I'm patiently waiting for a grandchild. I hope it's a girl so I can spoil her rotten.

I was a very successful businessman having held the positions of supervisor, warehouse manager, general manager, President and CEO. That was before my life changed in 2001 when I had my first major bipolar episode and spent time in several psych wards as they tried to get my meds settled and my suicidal tendencies under control.

I've had five manic depressive (bipolar) driven suicides in my family prior to 2001 including my grandmother, two of her siblings, my only paternal uncle and my father, the famous experimental film maker Paul Sharits.

I have struggled with my weight since I was 20 or so. I yo-yo dieted my way up to 220 or so before my dad died in 1993. My weight shot up to just under 280 before my own episode in 2001. Combined with fighting bipolar disorder and the weight gaining medications, I shot up to a severe weight of 456 in November 2007. I lost most of the weight and got stuck and started gaining it back. In 2011 I had lapband surgery which worked for about 6 months and then I gained back the weight and hit about 429 last January 2013. I just decided to lose weight 10 to 15 pounds a month so I could get healthy and I hit 300 by January 1st 2014. I am now, February 11, 2014 still around 300 but not gaining weight. I'm planning on losing an additional 50 pounds this year and I just need to get back into gear.

As far as today's bipolar report, I had a rough weekend. Several panic attacks and just really low to the point that thoughts of suicide kept creeping up. I stayed busy yesterday, but almost had a complete panic attack in Costco. Too many people with too many blank stares. Costco is an unhappy place to shop, btu sometimes necessary. In defense of Costco, I almost freaked out in Kings Soopers the day before and I had to white knuckle it out the door and it is my favorite place to shop. The staff and shoppers just seem to smile more and they are very polite. I think that's because the manager, Doug, runs a nice efficient ship. It's the second busiest grocery store in Colorado and you wouldn't even know it because they open plenty of registers and you never seem to wait very long to be checked out.

Last night was weird. I normally sleep solid through the night because of my meds, but I was up nd down all night. My dreams were weird and disturbing. Finally when it was time to get up at 6am, I took the puppy out to pee and woke up my son for school and started the coffee. Same as everyday. But, I felt the weight of the bipolar force upon me. I asked my wife to drop off my son at school and I went back to bed. MY dreams were even more strange and I woke up feeling suicidal. I went through the motions of being normal and I feel a bit better now. I'm going to try to go to the gym and start writing a new movie score.

Overall, I feel lonely and suicidal. Must get out of the house and occupy myself while the feeling passes.    

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