Thursday, August 15, 2013

Writing second book

Hello. I know I said I would write more often and I will. It's just that now it takes away from writing my second book which is an autobiography. I was awarded Social Security Disability for my bipolar disorder in July and I want to run through my life before my first major bipolar episode in 2001. I had all the bipolar symptoms before that breakdown, but I didn't recognize them as symptoms. I certainly didn't see a therapist or psychologist before then, but I did feel that something was wrong with me. I was smart enough and figured it was just something else. my example of manic depressive disorder was my dad and he was an alcoholic.

While I occasionally self-medicate to escape the feelings of the disorder I am not an alcoholic nor a regular user of illicit drugs. I do take hand fulls of prescription drugs each day to keep me from going up too far and down to the point of suicidal tenancies. I should correct that. This winter I was suicidal and very depressed. I feel better now, but I do have the feeling of a manic episode coming on. I am properly taken care of and I still feel these things. I can't seem to control them. I can only imagine how hard it would be without care. I'm sure... positive that I would have killed myself by now. The disorder is progressive and it frankly scares me.

I am receiving disability because I told the straight up truth to my therapist, psychologist, the State of Colorado appointed psychologist, someone who reviewed my case from the State, the vocational adviser in the court room, my  lawyers, and the Judge. They all came to the same conclusion. Even though I am medicated and controlled I am not able to work with people in general. If I am manic I will argue and fight with anyone. If I am depressed and you are able to get me out of my room, I feel trapped and I want to run. In those cases I also feel the need to protect myself behind my intellect and I am always ready for a show down. I seem to maintain these urges at home with my family to a point, but definitely not at work. I guess that's why I went thorough seven or eight jobs in six years. I even took a year long break in there. I was fired several times. I was hospitalized for both physical reasons and mental breakdowns several times from July 2007 to now. When I get really bad like I did this winter, my wife and psychologist both choose putting me into a sleepy existence instead of a mental ward. I just slept through my suicidal thoughts and added more medication to moderate my panic attacks. I still get them and that makes me sad, but I'm feeling better. Diving my nose into the new book helps.    

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