Struggling

I woke up this morning so depressed that I went back to bed in hopes of having a do over. It didn't work. I still feel panicked, anxious, and worried about the future. I have no reason for these thoughts. I have enough money to pay my bills. I'm still losing weight albeit slowly. My projects are not backing up although I can't get the lawn mower to start and my grass hasn't been mowed since before I went on vacation. The house is fairly clean.

Everyone in my house seems to be doing well, except for one of my sons is feeling sick. My mom had to spend some time in the hospital in July for pneumonia caused by aspirating food and sugary drinks. I guess I'm concerned about her health. She looks so tiny and frail that I am afraid she's one more cold from death and that would throw our family into absolute turmoil. My sister is her care giver and she's doing a great job far beyond the care I am capable of, but I don't know weather her reports are tainted because she's scared of the consequences of my mother's death. I guess I'm scared too.

I'm doing okay with my diet. My wife and I had a great vacation to celebrate our 30th Anniversary. We drove to Telluride for a few days, Moab, Utah for a day and then spent several days tasting wine in Palisade, Colorado which was all great. We also had a day and a half to cross celebrate Anniversaries with my brother and his lovely hilarious wife in Palisade. I was happy.

During vacation having my wife around gave me some security, but I still woke up feeling horrible and argumentative with the one I love the most. Not only have we been married for 30 years, we started dating at age 16 which still feels like I held off too long. I, I guess we, have had mutual crushes on each other since 7th grade. I suppose that would have been a bit early to begin a formal relationship. I would have been the stupidest person in the world not to have married her. I definitely would have avoided class reunions or anything like that for fear of running into her with a different husband and family. I definitely would have stayed off of social media in fear of someone mentioning Cheri. It would have killed me. She is so beautiful on the outside as well as the inside.Everyone loves her. My biggest fear is that God may take her away from me. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it petrifies me. I don't know how I could survive or even if I would want to.

I guess I just feel like crap and felt like airing out my frustration. I feel immobile this morning. I don't know what to do to kick start my day. Maybe a run with the dog will reset my endorphins and help me move further. I took my meds and I'll go have breakfast and coffee and fake my day and perhaps fake myself into a better mood, but really I would rather hide in my room or watch TV and not move. I hate depression. I makes me think wrong.