Saturday, February 12, 2011

Saturday February 12, 2011 ~ Non-linear Saturday

I must have taken my meds late. At least I hope so because if I had taken them then I have taken them twice. Judging by the way I felt around noon, I would bet that I had delayed and forgotten my pills. Wow. I guess it's redundant day or the drugs have kicked in and I am no long classified as lucid.

My youngest son wanted to use my monster computer for some gaming this morning, so I watched the movie "Social Network" and, much to my surprise, I liked it. When it finished I asked my wife if she wanted to go grocery shopping with me. She said no which is normal, but I still ask. Keep in mind that I am the housewife by default since I work from home. I do the house cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, teen taxi services, doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences, household business like bills and business calls ect... And I do them very well. Our living quarters are always super clean and all of our laundry is folded and back in drawers before the end of the day. I do it out of love, not imposition. My wife works hard so I don't mind doing the work. If fact, I like it. Nothing is sexier than a man with an apron that cooks better than most of the restaurants I know.

What do I do? I manage my late father's art and film career, write Positano which is my current novel about a bipolar/suicidal teen, free lance articles, and I paint. The funny thing that I try to down play is that I make more money than anyone in the house. Shuu. I get paid royalties from the sale of art, rentals of film, rights fees, my free lance work, and about 80 acres of mineral rights for gas and oil. Currently, the gas and oil are paying the least, but that will change as the cost of fuel increases. Thanks to the Egyptian revolution and the de-stabilization of many of the oil oligarchies our fuel will hit $4 USD/gal by summer and $5 USD/gal before the end of 2012. Perhaps sooner which will result in the increase of prices for pretty much anything and it might tempt the Fed to engage inflation safe guards which will back fire and we will be fucked. But, my wells may start to pay bigger dividends and that all that really matters.

The bottom line is that I am blessed with relative financial security and I am doing work from the heart. I love writing. I often lose myself in writing and then I look towards the corner of the screen only to find out that two or four hours have elapsed and it is time to do some kind of house duty. Usually dinner. Did I mention I cook extremely yummy gourmet food.

So why was I freaking out this morning? Well, some of it could be the fact that my accountant hasn't told me how much I will owe yet. I made most of my money in the first quarter of last year and so it didn't feel like I made much money, but I still got 1099'd for a lot of money. That portion of my income is taxed at 15.3%. Killer. But that's not it, because its only money and God always gives us just as much as we need. Again, why was I freaking out? Because I'm having a small bipolar episode and I'm feeling real fat this week. Being bipolar is like watching a train wreck and then realizing you are the train. My emotions were getting out of control. I feel better now because I took my meds plus a pain killer (for my knee and wrist) and an extra lorazapam and hydroxzine. Remember when I asked my wife if she wanted to go with me to the store. I got upset because she told me to stick to my own list and not to over spend. HELLO! I've been doing fine for years now. Oh yeah, did I mention I do our books and I haven't had a late bill in years.

So there I was, knowing that I was having a bipolar moment and I kept it to myself for the most part. I told my wife I was late with my meds and I felt bad, but I didn't kill the dog or anything. That was a joke. I only kill cats. They're so judgmental. Again I am kidding. I took my pills and went to the very crowded store which normally throws my anxiety through the roof, but I listened to my iPod real loud and I survived the store. I even started felling well enough to notice this girl with an incredible ass. Got to love lose fitting yet butt hugging sweat pants. Anyway, she was well over 18 so I didn't break any icky guy rules.

Now I'm home and I feel fine. Well, a bit drugged, but that feels pretty good too. Bipolars are such addicts. If it's not booze or illicit drugs or prescription meds, than its food. Yes, I am a food addict, but that's why I'm trying to deal with it in therapy. Once I allow myself to be skinny in my head than I will allow my body to be skinny.

Isn't it funny. God gave me intelligence and the talent of writing and art and then He allowed me to live in a world that played to my addictions and allowed me to become this fat man that I can hardly recognize. Its a good thing I'm an attractive and skilled fat man, but I long for the day when I can fit into clothes for normal people. Oh yeah, God gave me humility. I just misplaced it somewhere. 

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