Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thursday May 26th 2011 - Perhaps I am in denial

I try not to think about it. I generally feel okay especially after Dr Goldstein gave me some oxycodone. The pain from my spleen is somewhat mitigated to a level of tolerance. Sometimes you don't realize how much pain you have until its taken away.

So, I have stage four cirrhosis. My liver is basically an irreparable mass of scar tissue. If I understand the grading system, then grade one (0 to 3) then I have some blockage in my liver, but not completely blocked. I believe that grade three is liver failure. The minor blockage would explain why my spleen is enlarged and it could even explain my chronically low platelets. If I sit and think about the dying organ and visualize the damaged liver sitting right here. Right under my skin. Right under my right ribcage. I can touch the spot. When I touch the skin over my spleen, it actually feels bruised.

But, I feel fine. I went to lunch with my friend, went shopping, and wrote on the book and I felt fine. Other than being fat, I feel healthy so it is disquieting to think that my liver is so close to failure. To look at me, you couldn't tell that I was sick. I'm not all crumpled up or pale or yellow. I look fine. So it is weird.

Even though I read my pathology report, it still seems very abstract. I asked my fourteen year old if he was freaked out and he said, "Not really. I mean we've been through the medical scares and hospitalizations so many times I just don't think about it. Besides, you seem fine."

Jokingly, he asked me if I had a bucket list. To which I responded no. I've always thought that if someone was critical then they should go see the world or go to strip clubs or rob banks. I don't know. Live like there is no tomorrow because there isn't, but now that I am sort of there, I really just want to live everyday with my family and friends. If I died next week I wouldn't have any regrets. I've lived a nice life. I've traveled the world and I have experienced far more than the average Joe. I've been rich; I've been poor. I have no desire to jump out of planes or bridges with a bungee cord. No; if this is it, then I want to spend it with my family.

Of course I'm not going anywhere soon. I just meant hypothetically. I plan on doing whatever it takes to stay alive and well. I'll have the Realize Band surgery and get thin so I don't wreck the next liver. I hope I get the liver of a playboy bunny. Owe, that might be yucky. All joking aside, I can't possibly be dying because I feel too alive. And I'm happy today. It was a good day and I think its going to be a nice weekend. I hope I get to see Hangover II.

I have to stay healthy because I have way too much to do in the next few years and I want to see my boys marry and give my little beautiful granddaughters. Grandson's will be cool too, but I've always wanted a little girl to spoil.

Was this post too weird? Probably. I'm a bit... I don't know. I'm a bit something. I don't want to die, but I'm really not afraid of it. I just don't want to leave my family behind. And I promised my mother-in-law that I would go back to church. I never really left, but I'll go. I don't think you could be on too many prayer chains and I do believe in prayer. Gotta go cook dinner. Lemon skinless chicken and my favorite salad with dehydrated cherry's, blue cheese chunks, spinach, a tangy sweet dressing and almonds. Yumm. Plus I picked up a fresh loaf of whole wheat bread. Oddly enough, my appetite has gone down. Maybe it was the hypnotherapy??? 

I guess if you sit and think about dying then you would just go crazy and who wants to live like that. Unless I am truly  

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