I must have taken my meds late. At least I hope so because if I had taken them then I have taken them twice. Judging by the way I felt around noon, I would bet that I had delayed and forgotten my pills. Wow. I guess it's redundant day or the drugs have kicked in and I am no long classified as lucid.
My youngest son wanted to use my monster computer for some gaming this morning, so I watched the movie "Social Network" and, much to my surprise, I liked it. When it finished I asked my wife if she wanted to go grocery shopping with me. She said no which is normal, but I still ask. Keep in mind that I am the housewife by default since I work from home. I do the house cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, teen taxi services, doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences, household business like bills and business calls ect... And I do them very well. Our living quarters are always super clean and all of our laundry is folded and back in drawers before the end of the day. I do it out of love, not imposition. My wife works hard so I don't mind doing the work. If fact, I like it. Nothing is sexier than a man with an apron that cooks better than most of the restaurants I know.
What do I do? I manage my late father's art and film career, write Positano which is my current novel about a bipolar/suicidal teen, free lance articles, and I paint. The funny thing that I try to down play is that I make more money than anyone in the house. Shuu. I get paid royalties from the sale of art, rentals of film, rights fees, my free lance work, and about 80 acres of mineral rights for gas and oil. Currently, the gas and oil are paying the least, but that will change as the cost of fuel increases. Thanks to the Egyptian revolution and the de-stabilization of many of the oil oligarchies our fuel will hit $4 USD/gal by summer and $5 USD/gal before the end of 2012. Perhaps sooner which will result in the increase of prices for pretty much anything and it might tempt the Fed to engage inflation safe guards which will back fire and we will be fucked. But, my wells may start to pay bigger dividends and that all that really matters.
The bottom line is that I am blessed with relative financial security and I am doing work from the heart. I love writing. I often lose myself in writing and then I look towards the corner of the screen only to find out that two or four hours have elapsed and it is time to do some kind of house duty. Usually dinner. Did I mention I cook extremely yummy gourmet food.
So why was I freaking out this morning? Well, some of it could be the fact that my accountant hasn't told me how much I will owe yet. I made most of my money in the first quarter of last year and so it didn't feel like I made much money, but I still got 1099'd for a lot of money. That portion of my income is taxed at 15.3%. Killer. But that's not it, because its only money and God always gives us just as much as we need. Again, why was I freaking out? Because I'm having a small bipolar episode and I'm feeling real fat this week. Being bipolar is like watching a train wreck and then realizing you are the train. My emotions were getting out of control. I feel better now because I took my meds plus a pain killer (for my knee and wrist) and an extra lorazapam and hydroxzine. Remember when I asked my wife if she wanted to go with me to the store. I got upset because she told me to stick to my own list and not to over spend. HELLO! I've been doing fine for years now. Oh yeah, did I mention I do our books and I haven't had a late bill in years.
So there I was, knowing that I was having a bipolar moment and I kept it to myself for the most part. I told my wife I was late with my meds and I felt bad, but I didn't kill the dog or anything. That was a joke. I only kill cats. They're so judgmental. Again I am kidding. I took my pills and went to the very crowded store which normally throws my anxiety through the roof, but I listened to my iPod real loud and I survived the store. I even started felling well enough to notice this girl with an incredible ass. Got to love lose fitting yet butt hugging sweat pants. Anyway, she was well over 18 so I didn't break any icky guy rules.
Now I'm home and I feel fine. Well, a bit drugged, but that feels pretty good too. Bipolars are such addicts. If it's not booze or illicit drugs or prescription meds, than its food. Yes, I am a food addict, but that's why I'm trying to deal with it in therapy. Once I allow myself to be skinny in my head than I will allow my body to be skinny.
Isn't it funny. God gave me intelligence and the talent of writing and art and then He allowed me to live in a world that played to my addictions and allowed me to become this fat man that I can hardly recognize. Its a good thing I'm an attractive and skilled fat man, but I long for the day when I can fit into clothes for normal people. Oh yeah, God gave me humility. I just misplaced it somewhere.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
January 26th, 2011 - Somethings different
I'm not ready to fully commit to this and it is still far from proven, but I do feel as if something biologically has changed. Now, I know it's not my leukemia, but something is different. Jon Gabriel says that you will start to feel a change when your body feels mentally and physically ready to lose weight.
For the last couple of months I have focused on why I'm fat or more importantly, why I can be a successful dieter and an even more successful weight gain backer. I can't believe spell check didn't kill backer. I suppose the word could be used as "he had a backer." Okay, but what I meant was I gain all the dieted weight back plus a little more each yo of the yo yo. I have been working with the therapist and the recordings of the Gabriel Method to self evaluate what has made me and what continues to plague my permanent weight loss.
I've come a long way and most of it has been too personal for this blog. Maybe too personal for me even though it was me. I have identified dozens of potential weight management scars. Everything from wanting to be bigger for little league football to constant confidence breaking comments about my butt when I was skinny as a bed post to very personal coming of age mistakes.
It may sound strange, but I haven't worried or stressed out about my weight or dieting because I want to solve the root before I delve into another calorie campaign. And yet, I lost 3 inches on my waist in less than 30 days. I promised myself that I wouldn't step on the scale again until March. Instead I would measure my waist, so I don't know how much weight I have lost, but I can tell that my clothes fit a little better. Maybe, just maybe, my body is allowing me to lose weight without the heavy food withdrawals. Anyway, I hope that is what I feel different because cancer still scares me a bit.
For the last couple of months I have focused on why I'm fat or more importantly, why I can be a successful dieter and an even more successful weight gain backer. I can't believe spell check didn't kill backer. I suppose the word could be used as "he had a backer." Okay, but what I meant was I gain all the dieted weight back plus a little more each yo of the yo yo. I have been working with the therapist and the recordings of the Gabriel Method to self evaluate what has made me and what continues to plague my permanent weight loss.
I've come a long way and most of it has been too personal for this blog. Maybe too personal for me even though it was me. I have identified dozens of potential weight management scars. Everything from wanting to be bigger for little league football to constant confidence breaking comments about my butt when I was skinny as a bed post to very personal coming of age mistakes.
It may sound strange, but I haven't worried or stressed out about my weight or dieting because I want to solve the root before I delve into another calorie campaign. And yet, I lost 3 inches on my waist in less than 30 days. I promised myself that I wouldn't step on the scale again until March. Instead I would measure my waist, so I don't know how much weight I have lost, but I can tell that my clothes fit a little better. Maybe, just maybe, my body is allowing me to lose weight without the heavy food withdrawals. Anyway, I hope that is what I feel different because cancer still scares me a bit.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friday January 21, 2011 ~ Lab results
Well, yesterday's oncologist appointment went as well as it could. My platelet count is up to 90,000 units and my white blood cell count was just inside of normal. So, if I haven't developed cancer yet, why go to these constant appointments? Because my wife would kill me before the cancer if the cancer came on while I was on a doctor holiday. I guess the way CLL comes on, it would be the best and most treatable if found early. Sounds reasonable.
One other note: My oncologist is moving to Greeley Colorado which is way way too far to drive so it's time to find a new doctor. It would be great if I could find one within 10 miles of my house. I'll have to find one next week because I have to get B-12 shots in order to remain stable.
Sometimes people ask if there is a cure for CLL or if you can do something to elevate your platelet count. You can treat CLL with chemo and so forth and if I were to get pregnant, which sounds oddly unlikely, than your platelets may spike upwards. So the answer is no. No cure; no way to elevate platelets. Sure there are probably hillbilly cures, but I don't want to eat eye of newt. It's just a matter of going in to the oncologist every three months and have labs drawn each time with a minimum of one CT Scan per year.
I hope I never get cancer, but my odds are not really in my favor, but until I get cancer, I think I should still be able to eat fried Twinkies. I've never had them, but they sound like one of those "must try just once" types of foods. Of course, it may be like the commercial for meth. Just once and you'll turn into a thieving junkie and your teeth will fall out.
One other note: My oncologist is moving to Greeley Colorado which is way way too far to drive so it's time to find a new doctor. It would be great if I could find one within 10 miles of my house. I'll have to find one next week because I have to get B-12 shots in order to remain stable.
Sometimes people ask if there is a cure for CLL or if you can do something to elevate your platelet count. You can treat CLL with chemo and so forth and if I were to get pregnant, which sounds oddly unlikely, than your platelets may spike upwards. So the answer is no. No cure; no way to elevate platelets. Sure there are probably hillbilly cures, but I don't want to eat eye of newt. It's just a matter of going in to the oncologist every three months and have labs drawn each time with a minimum of one CT Scan per year.
I hope I never get cancer, but my odds are not really in my favor, but until I get cancer, I think I should still be able to eat fried Twinkies. I've never had them, but they sound like one of those "must try just once" types of foods. Of course, it may be like the commercial for meth. Just once and you'll turn into a thieving junkie and your teeth will fall out.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday January 20th, 2011 ~ Oncologist Appointment
This morning is my oncologist appointment. I was diagnosed with Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) in July 2007 and have been under doctor supervision since. I have chronically low fluctuating platelets and an enlarged displaced spleen as well as the occasional white cell fluctuation. While I have been down as low as 35,000 per microlitre, I have had readings as high as 70,000. Over the last year the count has gone down about 1,000 per month. I can feel that something is not right, but I can't tell if it's my platelet count. Maybe I feel out of sorts because of my weight. Nonetheless, I get pretty nervous around my oncologist/hematologist appointments.
A normal platelet count in a healthy individual is between 150,000 and 450,000 per μl (microlitre) of blood (150–450 x 109/L).[15] Ninety-five percent of healthy people will have platelet counts in this range. Some will have statistically abnormal platelet counts while having no demonstrable abnormality. However, if it is either very low or very high, the likelihood of an abnormality being present is higher.
Both thrombocytopenia and thrombocytosis may present with coagulation problems. In general, low platelet counts increase bleeding risks; however there are exceptions. For example, immune heparin-induced thrombocytopenia and thrombocytosis (high counts) may lead to thrombosis, although this is mainly when the elevated count is due to myeloproliferative disorder. Mine is, of course, extremely low, but I have been cancer free up to this point.
For some time I thought that God had made me fat so I could withstand the riggers of chemotherapy and a prolonged fight with cancer. Even though I have CLL, I still find such excuses to be without merit and downright silly.
No, in fact, I have the new psychological tools to fight obesity. Along with the therapy and hypno-therapy and the Gabriel Method my daily routine includes:
- Daily prayer / spiritual meditation
- Mental visualizations/affirmations
- Nutrition / health - Watching calories, but not really dieting. It's more about eating healthy things like fruits and vegetables and lean meats or fish.
- Physical activity - Daily walks or shoveling snow for 20 mins or more. Plus working out at the gym for 45 minutes at least three times per week.
If have not followed this routine everyday for I don't know what reason, but I need too. As of today, I will follow through with these activities. I do consider writing this blog to be part of my meditation / visualization.
Thus, writing blogs are indeed therapeutic.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Wednesday January 5th 2011 - Happy New Year!
Well, the holidays are finally over and now we begin a new year. Welcome 2011. The year in which my first book will be published and my hypnotherapy/Jon Gabriel Method will help me lose 100 pounds by the end of December 2011.
My holidays were very nice. A little hard on the budget, but I only used $400 credit and I will have that paid off before March. I think the hardest time to maintain a strict diet is through the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas accounted for four belly busting meals and I lost track of how many other over-eating opportunities happened as a result of the holidays. Add into that my gourmet cooking craze. After we had such fabulous food in NYC in early November, I felt inclined to cook better dinners for the family. Of course, my gourmet fad included butter and heavy cream in some instances, but I can't blame weight gain on contents nearly as much as I can blame quantity.
When I cook I use real "living" ingredients. By that I mean I don't use any processed ingredients. I think that freshly cut and/or minced onions, garlic, peppers, and other fresh vegetables make a dinner worth eating. I also don't like to use protein substitutes like vegetable oil margarine or fat free milk, however, I do like using soy milk in place of cow's milk and cream because it doesn't curdle with lemon juice.
Some of my favorite meals for my family include vegetables and pasta with a pesto cream sauce, shrimp fettuccine, roast chicken with lemon wedges stuffing, stuffed hamburgers with cream cheese and finely chopped vegetables, fresh tomato and fresh spiced Italian sausage spaghetti and garlic bread, and cream pesto salmon steaks, Sword fish with tomatillo and butter drizzle, roast duck with orange sauce, and lamb chops with a cranberry/orange marmalade. All dinners include fresh steamed vegetables and mixed salad. In most case, cut mixed fruit is offered as a desert, however, I am a very good baker.
Sure, all of these foods sound calorie deadly and they are, however, I believe that over-eating is the greatest culprit. Imagine a dinner with one cup of rich fettuccine, a medium to large serving of steamed asparagus with lemon pepper, a salad with oil and balsamic vinegar, and a glass of unsweetened fresh brewed ice tea. Keep the portions small and this is a healthy feast.
Tomorrow I go in for my first hypnotherapy session of the year. We are supposed to begin working on subliminal craving reduction. I'll let you know how that goes.
My holidays were very nice. A little hard on the budget, but I only used $400 credit and I will have that paid off before March. I think the hardest time to maintain a strict diet is through the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas accounted for four belly busting meals and I lost track of how many other over-eating opportunities happened as a result of the holidays. Add into that my gourmet cooking craze. After we had such fabulous food in NYC in early November, I felt inclined to cook better dinners for the family. Of course, my gourmet fad included butter and heavy cream in some instances, but I can't blame weight gain on contents nearly as much as I can blame quantity.
When I cook I use real "living" ingredients. By that I mean I don't use any processed ingredients. I think that freshly cut and/or minced onions, garlic, peppers, and other fresh vegetables make a dinner worth eating. I also don't like to use protein substitutes like vegetable oil margarine or fat free milk, however, I do like using soy milk in place of cow's milk and cream because it doesn't curdle with lemon juice.
Some of my favorite meals for my family include vegetables and pasta with a pesto cream sauce, shrimp fettuccine, roast chicken with lemon wedges stuffing, stuffed hamburgers with cream cheese and finely chopped vegetables, fresh tomato and fresh spiced Italian sausage spaghetti and garlic bread, and cream pesto salmon steaks, Sword fish with tomatillo and butter drizzle, roast duck with orange sauce, and lamb chops with a cranberry/orange marmalade. All dinners include fresh steamed vegetables and mixed salad. In most case, cut mixed fruit is offered as a desert, however, I am a very good baker.
Sure, all of these foods sound calorie deadly and they are, however, I believe that over-eating is the greatest culprit. Imagine a dinner with one cup of rich fettuccine, a medium to large serving of steamed asparagus with lemon pepper, a salad with oil and balsamic vinegar, and a glass of unsweetened fresh brewed ice tea. Keep the portions small and this is a healthy feast.
Tomorrow I go in for my first hypnotherapy session of the year. We are supposed to begin working on subliminal craving reduction. I'll let you know how that goes.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday December 13th 2010 - Bedtime Meditation
One of the audio files made available from the Gabriel Method is a bedtime meditation. I loaded it up onto my iPod and listen to it as I take my final bow for the night. Jon Gabriel speaks about relaxing and visualizing the next day's schedule and goals with positive reinforcements. The track is 22 minutes, but I have only made it through the first few minutes. Maybe 5 minutes if I'm anxious, but after that I am 'a snoozen.
I think I am able to be hypnotized easily is because I have a fairly deep focus. I really concentrate on the suggestions because I want it to work. If you felt uncomfortable or didn't want to be hypnotized I doubt that you would be able to relax enough. The meditation/hypnosis, whether in Paula's office or from the cd's, make me feel good. I awake with a positive attitude and my cravings for fatty foods have gone down dramatically.
I am easing into this struggle with realistic expectations. It has taken 45 years to build up all of these root cause issues. I doubt that they will go away overnight.
Maybe I wrote about this, but I have realized that there are some key issues that make me fat:
I think I am able to be hypnotized easily is because I have a fairly deep focus. I really concentrate on the suggestions because I want it to work. If you felt uncomfortable or didn't want to be hypnotized I doubt that you would be able to relax enough. The meditation/hypnosis, whether in Paula's office or from the cd's, make me feel good. I awake with a positive attitude and my cravings for fatty foods have gone down dramatically.
I am easing into this struggle with realistic expectations. It has taken 45 years to build up all of these root cause issues. I doubt that they will go away overnight.
Maybe I wrote about this, but I have realized that there are some key issues that make me fat:
- When I was in football in the sixth grade I got pushed around and beat up from practice and games. I desperately wanted to be bigger for survival purposes. The desire to be "football" large continued for three more years.
- I was very sensitive to adult comments like my step-dad insisting that I had a Ubangi Butt (his way of saying I had a big butt). However, he started telling me this when I was very young and still as skinny as a lamp post. In addition, my loving aunts teased me about "filling" out. I was skinny until I got married at age 19. All of these comments were without merit, but they became very powerful negative reinforcements.
- My uncle committed suicide when I was 14? I never thought it bothered me, but I found out through talking to Paula that it did have a huge impact on my young life.
- I had a horrible diet when I started working at the warehouses. I over ate with the other warehouse workers and then go days without sleep and proper nutrition. I think the years of abuse messed up my metabolism.
- I was heavy before my dad committed suicide in '93, but I really started to pack it on after that.
- In 1998 to 2001 I presided over a dot com that I had co-founded. It couldn't have been more stressful. In 2001 we had grown to the point where we needed venture capital to continue and I lost my best presentation. The company went under and I had a major bipolar episode that landed me in the hospital(s).
- After that I worried about survival more than I did food so I just ate everything until I was full. On top of that I was taking bipolar meds like Depekote that makes it incredibly difficult to lose weight. I also had a bout with rashes that required steroids which also made me gain weight.
- Up to the point I had tried every fad diet under the sun. I had lost weight just to see it come back with reinforcements.
- Then I was told that I was sick with everything plus Leukemia. I started ballooning and then went into the hospital and just stopped eating. I starved myself for several months and lost 60 pounds or so.
- Then I started gaining it all back plus reinforcements.
No one wants to be fat. It just happens. You let your guard down and gain tons of weight and then fight and starve to lose the weight. My body is programmed to be fat. I am now trying these alternative therapies to re-program myself to be normal. It may take a while to see the results, but I know that solving the root causes of my obesity is the key. If I can control my mind and body, I will lose the weight and keep it off.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
December 9th 2010 - Feeling pretty good
A major element of the Gabriel Method combined with Paula Robbins' hypnotherapy is the feeling of contentment with the stress of everyday life. The idea is to reduce or eliminate the emotional scaring and reoccurring issues that block weight loss. Through this process I have realized that I have a lot more prior life issues to deal with and I realized I like being big.
I think its a mechanism of protection. I, admittingly, have a soft heart and I get my feelings hurt even if I don't show it. I am also afraid of being picked on. When I was young I think friends and strangers liked to pick on me because I like to talk about my victories and share the excitement of life which they interpret as boosting or ego. Some of that may be true, but I like to be on the positive side because the alternative is being a vessel of negativity. Who wants that?
Anyway, I realized that when I work out I try to build up not trim down. It's the same with fat. I am fat so I am bigger and people don't pick on me. The bad side is that people treat fat people like they choose to be fat. Seriously? My subconscious has directed my body to protect me in the only way it knows how... by helping me be big by turning my fat receptors on. The subconscious mind also protects me from losing weight. That's why diets only work for a while and then your body turns on its fat protectionism and retains calories and white fat that is usually burnt off by skinny people.
I have been working on my fears with the therapist and working on my positive vision of health through the teachings of Jon Gabriel and I can feel it working. I tried the sleep meditation tape last night and feel into a deep hypnotic state. When the 22 minutes that felt like 5 minutes finished I rolled over and had a great night's sleep. The power of hypnotic suggestion is trying to allow me to think thin and feel safe enough to let go of the weight. The multi facaded therapy has helped me stop over-eating and late night snacks. I have a lot of work to be done, but I already feel more control over my eating. I'm still eating and I am not restricting or causing my body to lack, but I am not over-eating because I just don't have that desire; that craving. I like this new program. Deal with the cause not, the result and then the weight magically sheds. I have already lost two inches on my waist. Nice.
I think its a mechanism of protection. I, admittingly, have a soft heart and I get my feelings hurt even if I don't show it. I am also afraid of being picked on. When I was young I think friends and strangers liked to pick on me because I like to talk about my victories and share the excitement of life which they interpret as boosting or ego. Some of that may be true, but I like to be on the positive side because the alternative is being a vessel of negativity. Who wants that?
Anyway, I realized that when I work out I try to build up not trim down. It's the same with fat. I am fat so I am bigger and people don't pick on me. The bad side is that people treat fat people like they choose to be fat. Seriously? My subconscious has directed my body to protect me in the only way it knows how... by helping me be big by turning my fat receptors on. The subconscious mind also protects me from losing weight. That's why diets only work for a while and then your body turns on its fat protectionism and retains calories and white fat that is usually burnt off by skinny people.
I have been working on my fears with the therapist and working on my positive vision of health through the teachings of Jon Gabriel and I can feel it working. I tried the sleep meditation tape last night and feel into a deep hypnotic state. When the 22 minutes that felt like 5 minutes finished I rolled over and had a great night's sleep. The power of hypnotic suggestion is trying to allow me to think thin and feel safe enough to let go of the weight. The multi facaded therapy has helped me stop over-eating and late night snacks. I have a lot of work to be done, but I already feel more control over my eating. I'm still eating and I am not restricting or causing my body to lack, but I am not over-eating because I just don't have that desire; that craving. I like this new program. Deal with the cause not, the result and then the weight magically sheds. I have already lost two inches on my waist. Nice.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday December 7th 2010 - Bipolar type II ?
Someone asked me if I was bipolar I or bipolar II. There are a bijillion different types of bipolar. It's not as simple as type I or II diabetes. I guess the difference is whether you get depressed more than you get manic. In that case it is simple. I am manic-manic.
I get angry. I get frustrated. I have down time, but, for the most part, I am this: Manic. I enjoy manic like some people enjoy breathing. I like thinking big and multitasking. I like over achieving. However, I am probably difficult to live with.
No. I am difficult to live with. I run at full speed for 16 hours a day and move smoothly from one project to the next. The busier I am the better. When I am not busy I start to get upset or over thinking things. I am over-barring in the sense that expect others to work as hard as I do. I am not over barring in terms of controlling who they hang out with or date or how they dress.
I just want them to commit to something, anything, and give it 100%. Yuck. I am over barring. I'm like a bear. Don't poke the bear. I can be a grizzly bear or a cuddly bear. To most people I am a teddy bear. My boys might have a different interpretation.
As you might be able to tell, I had an altercation with my son regarding make-up homework. After a difficult evening, we have come to a truce. We have a new policy regarding D's and he pledges to not fall behind. If he falls behind, I confiscate his phone, iPod, and computer. Sounds strict, but there is a history of untruthfulness that has degenerated the situation. I wish I could be the buddy; the friend, the cool dad, but I am the father... damn it.
I went to the hypno-therapist today and I didn't think she would be able to get me under. It took awhile, but near the end I had successfully gone way too far under. I tend to concentrate on the goal of relaxing so hard that once I achieve it I go too far. Funny huh. I think we may have worked on enough of my issues that the next time we can talk about losing weight.
In the mean time, I am listening to and reading the Gabriel Method. He really does make a lot of sense and I know understand why I have failed at holding off weight. My big lesson today was about "Lacking." For example, if you deny chocolate and your body know that you are denying something on purpose it thinks that you are about to deny more (ie: famine) and it kicks into defensive mode. The idea is to feed your body what it needs within reason and eat as healthy as possible while offering your body the things that it needs like probiotics for digestion and Omega 3's. Do not diet. Make you body believe that it is safe and okay to lose weight. Be in touch with your bodies needs and eat properly. I'm being repetitive. I'm tired. I need to read for an hour and then sleep. The therapist is giving me a hard time because I only want to sleep for six hours. You lose more fat when you sleep. That's a fact. Since I have a lot of fat to give, I should be sleeping about 14 hours a day. Ha! Just kidding. 7 hours is fine. So I am learning something new everyday and I already lost two inches and I haven't even started trying. Oh yeah. You have to eat at least six times a day and never ever let yourself get low blood sugar. Your body thinks it needs to conserve. Put down the keypad and walk awayyyy
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday December 5th 2010 - My current weight loss strategy
I thought I would briefly update my current events and then explain the diet strategy that I am working on right now as well as describe my bipolar treatment.
Well, my son was released from the hospital yesterday morning, so we both got to sleep in our own beds. He looks about as swollen as he had the first day we noticed swelling which is a dramatic improvement. Now he is on 300 mg of clindamycin four times a day. Normally, that would be a monster dose for a 14 year old, but we need to completely eradicate the infection from his body.
Our household, in general, needs holiday cheer in a major way so I made an ambitious attempt at decorating our front yard. I must admit, it looks pretty nice and it seems to have had the desired effect. Today is the last regular season football game for my fantasy football team so I'll probably watch the Denver game and then the Colts game. I should finish in first place and then we have three playoff games. I hope to win it all because, as Vince Lombardi said, "if winning isn't everything, why do they keep score."
My current diet strategy revolves around reconciliation with the root cause of my weight gain and I don't mean deep fried Twinkies (although I have heard they are like sex). No, my weight is mostly in my head. It is my way of giving myself comfort when other things in life gets me down. It's about layer upon layers of emotional protection. When I get stressed I eat. When I give up on dieting or become depressed, I eat. And, of course, sometimes I over eat because the food is just so heavenly prepared. The fact that I am a fantastic cook is both a blessing and a curse. When I cook, I cook with passion and love... and butter.
Contrary to every diet I have ever tried, I am not as concerned with what I eat as much as I am concerned with over eating. But that too has a qualifier; the food must be freshly prepared or raw (vegetables and fruit, not meat). I am avoiding processed foods because they process and over cook the potential nutrients right out of the food. I am also concentrating on never letting my blood sugar get too low so I am going to concentrate on eating vegetables, fruit, and nuts for snacks. The idea is that I eat healthy and balance out my supplements. On top of the regular vitamins, I am taking digestive probiotics and Omega 3 in the form of Flax Seed Oil because I hate to burp after I have taken a fish oil capsule. I almost through up one time. Gross.
Healthy eating is paramount, but I have to get rid of all of this stored emotional crap so I'm seeing the hypnotherapist. Most of the appointments are regular old therapy which is great to identify issues and then we use hypnosis to allow me to let go of these issues or forgive people and myself. I've found out that I really do have a lot of baggage to clear before we can get into weight reducing hypnosis. I'm looking forward to reaching that part.
In concert with the hypnotherapy, I am following the Gabriel Method because he strives on healthy eating, proper body chemistry and emotional healing. Two favors: Use my affiliate links to visit the Gabriel site because I get paid (a little) and because you will quickly see why I am into this method right now. I really think this current approach could be the combination that I have been looking for.
Quick tip: Your body temperature is partially regulated by the good brown fat. Brown fat burns white fat to generate energy and heat. When you jump into a pool it feels cold for a while and then you get used to it. What is really happening is that the brown fat starts burning white fat to bring your cold resistance up. So here is the trick that I recently stumbled on. When you take your shower, run warm water to wash and then slowly start to cool off the water to the point where you are standing in a cold cold shower. If you do it gradually it won't shock you, but it will kick in the brown fat regulations. I haven't tried it yet, but I will later today and I'll let you know if it feels like a complete line of crap. Supposedly it makes you feel energized. We will see.
My bipolar disorder is regulated with therapy and medication. Sorry people that don't believe in drug therapy. Bipolars NEED medication. When ever a bipolar hurts themselves or others it is usually because they decided they felt "cured" and went off of their medication. I never miss a dose. I take lorazapam, Lamictal, Hydroxyzine, and Seroquel. I also take synthroid for my hyperthyroid and supplements. As a matter of fact, it is time for my next dose. Good holidays and football to you!
Well, my son was released from the hospital yesterday morning, so we both got to sleep in our own beds. He looks about as swollen as he had the first day we noticed swelling which is a dramatic improvement. Now he is on 300 mg of clindamycin four times a day. Normally, that would be a monster dose for a 14 year old, but we need to completely eradicate the infection from his body.
Our household, in general, needs holiday cheer in a major way so I made an ambitious attempt at decorating our front yard. I must admit, it looks pretty nice and it seems to have had the desired effect. Today is the last regular season football game for my fantasy football team so I'll probably watch the Denver game and then the Colts game. I should finish in first place and then we have three playoff games. I hope to win it all because, as Vince Lombardi said, "if winning isn't everything, why do they keep score."
My current diet strategy revolves around reconciliation with the root cause of my weight gain and I don't mean deep fried Twinkies (although I have heard they are like sex). No, my weight is mostly in my head. It is my way of giving myself comfort when other things in life gets me down. It's about layer upon layers of emotional protection. When I get stressed I eat. When I give up on dieting or become depressed, I eat. And, of course, sometimes I over eat because the food is just so heavenly prepared. The fact that I am a fantastic cook is both a blessing and a curse. When I cook, I cook with passion and love... and butter.
Contrary to every diet I have ever tried, I am not as concerned with what I eat as much as I am concerned with over eating. But that too has a qualifier; the food must be freshly prepared or raw (vegetables and fruit, not meat). I am avoiding processed foods because they process and over cook the potential nutrients right out of the food. I am also concentrating on never letting my blood sugar get too low so I am going to concentrate on eating vegetables, fruit, and nuts for snacks. The idea is that I eat healthy and balance out my supplements. On top of the regular vitamins, I am taking digestive probiotics and Omega 3 in the form of Flax Seed Oil because I hate to burp after I have taken a fish oil capsule. I almost through up one time. Gross.
Healthy eating is paramount, but I have to get rid of all of this stored emotional crap so I'm seeing the hypnotherapist. Most of the appointments are regular old therapy which is great to identify issues and then we use hypnosis to allow me to let go of these issues or forgive people and myself. I've found out that I really do have a lot of baggage to clear before we can get into weight reducing hypnosis. I'm looking forward to reaching that part.
In concert with the hypnotherapy, I am following the Gabriel Method because he strives on healthy eating, proper body chemistry and emotional healing. Two favors: Use my affiliate links to visit the Gabriel site because I get paid (a little) and because you will quickly see why I am into this method right now. I really think this current approach could be the combination that I have been looking for.
Quick tip: Your body temperature is partially regulated by the good brown fat. Brown fat burns white fat to generate energy and heat. When you jump into a pool it feels cold for a while and then you get used to it. What is really happening is that the brown fat starts burning white fat to bring your cold resistance up. So here is the trick that I recently stumbled on. When you take your shower, run warm water to wash and then slowly start to cool off the water to the point where you are standing in a cold cold shower. If you do it gradually it won't shock you, but it will kick in the brown fat regulations. I haven't tried it yet, but I will later today and I'll let you know if it feels like a complete line of crap. Supposedly it makes you feel energized. We will see.
My bipolar disorder is regulated with therapy and medication. Sorry people that don't believe in drug therapy. Bipolars NEED medication. When ever a bipolar hurts themselves or others it is usually because they decided they felt "cured" and went off of their medication. I never miss a dose. I take lorazapam, Lamictal, Hydroxyzine, and Seroquel. I also take synthroid for my hyperthyroid and supplements. As a matter of fact, it is time for my next dose. Good holidays and football to you!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday December 3rd 2010 - Hanging out in the hospital again
Actually, I'm not the patient. My youngest son complained about a sore jaw on Monday night and I gave him some Ibuprofen. He looked a little swollen, but nothing alarming. Then, on Tuesday morning the pain had increased and his right jaw was definitely swollen.
Thinking it was an abscessed tooth, I took him to my wife's office. The dentists and the doctor next door concluded that it was not dental related, rather, it had the earmarks of parotitsis. An hour later our old PCP confirmed and placed him on antibiotics.
Wednesday his jaw was so swollen I cursed myself for letting him sleep in without checking his swelling. Within a half hour we were in our current PCP office and he gave him a massive shot of antibiotics and added a more powerful antibiotic. By now his low grade fever and become a constant temp over 101 degrees.
On Thursday the swelling was extreme so I brought him to the ER and he has admitted into the hospital and that's where we remain right now. Today the IV antibiotics seem to have taken hold. We maybe able to go home Saturday or Sunday. My wife brought us both new clothes and shampoo. My son was freaked out about the extreme swelling so I haven't left. The room is nice and I have a fold out bed so all is fine, but I haven't had a laptop until today.
I was going to write about my interview with the museum. I had a perfect interview, but they gave it to someone else. It's frustrating to have the experience and education that everyone used to want and then be told you're over qualified. It's okay. I'm not upset, so I must have agreed with them that it wasn't the right job for me. Besides, I'm very busy with the columns and book and painting and the art business and... whew.
I was doing pretty good with the advice from the Gabriel Method, but then all hell let loose with this infection and I have eaten like crap. I hate hospital food, so I went out and got a sub from Quiznos and over ate and now I feel like a fat pumpkin.
And then, I forgot to bring my CPAP and I snored so loud I kept my son up. I also had stupidly only brought one day of bipolar meds and I didn't get this mornings dose until my wife brought it this evening. Most of the meds are fine to take late, but I get real edgy when I don't have my lorazapam. I took 2mg and now I feel okay.
So, while I have neglected to write on the blog, I received an email today that this blog is #17 out of the top 50 blogs covering the Global Obesity Epidemic. Now I feel guilty about not writing everyday, so here I am. Click here to see the award.
Thinking it was an abscessed tooth, I took him to my wife's office. The dentists and the doctor next door concluded that it was not dental related, rather, it had the earmarks of parotitsis. An hour later our old PCP confirmed and placed him on antibiotics.
Wednesday his jaw was so swollen I cursed myself for letting him sleep in without checking his swelling. Within a half hour we were in our current PCP office and he gave him a massive shot of antibiotics and added a more powerful antibiotic. By now his low grade fever and become a constant temp over 101 degrees.
On Thursday the swelling was extreme so I brought him to the ER and he has admitted into the hospital and that's where we remain right now. Today the IV antibiotics seem to have taken hold. We maybe able to go home Saturday or Sunday. My wife brought us both new clothes and shampoo. My son was freaked out about the extreme swelling so I haven't left. The room is nice and I have a fold out bed so all is fine, but I haven't had a laptop until today.
I was going to write about my interview with the museum. I had a perfect interview, but they gave it to someone else. It's frustrating to have the experience and education that everyone used to want and then be told you're over qualified. It's okay. I'm not upset, so I must have agreed with them that it wasn't the right job for me. Besides, I'm very busy with the columns and book and painting and the art business and... whew.
I was doing pretty good with the advice from the Gabriel Method, but then all hell let loose with this infection and I have eaten like crap. I hate hospital food, so I went out and got a sub from Quiznos and over ate and now I feel like a fat pumpkin.
And then, I forgot to bring my CPAP and I snored so loud I kept my son up. I also had stupidly only brought one day of bipolar meds and I didn't get this mornings dose until my wife brought it this evening. Most of the meds are fine to take late, but I get real edgy when I don't have my lorazapam. I took 2mg and now I feel okay.
So, while I have neglected to write on the blog, I received an email today that this blog is #17 out of the top 50 blogs covering the Global Obesity Epidemic. Now I feel guilty about not writing everyday, so here I am. Click here to see the award.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday November 30th 2010 - Gabriel Method & my museum Interview
The problem with diets and surgeries is that they don't fix you. Why are you fat? I'm fat because of stress and pleasure. I wear my stress and eat for pleasure. I don't just want to be thin, I want to BE thin. By that, I mean that I want to be thin and healthy in my head as well as in body.
I wear my baggage. While I knew in my heart that the barrier to becoming thin was the emotional scars that I have built up. I thought that hypnotherapy would magically make me eat thin, but it's purpose is to clear the baggage and then change my eating habits. I didn't realize just how much baggage I had until I started meeting with Paula. 90% of our appointments are traditional therapy with hypnotherapy to subconsciously give up the stress that has built throughout my life. I have about 150 pounds of stress.
Oh man, excuse me. I have a head cold and an interview tomorrow and I'm wiped out. I will continue this line of thought tomorrow. click.
I wear my baggage. While I knew in my heart that the barrier to becoming thin was the emotional scars that I have built up. I thought that hypnotherapy would magically make me eat thin, but it's purpose is to clear the baggage and then change my eating habits. I didn't realize just how much baggage I had until I started meeting with Paula. 90% of our appointments are traditional therapy with hypnotherapy to subconsciously give up the stress that has built throughout my life. I have about 150 pounds of stress.
Oh man, excuse me. I have a head cold and an interview tomorrow and I'm wiped out. I will continue this line of thought tomorrow. click.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday November 23, 2010 - Hypnotherapy Update
I went to my third hypnotherapy appointment on the 16th of November. I think this may be the most important part of my weight loss campaign. I've always said that weight loss or gain is in the head. I believe that most bariatric surgeries that fail in the long run is because the subconscious doesn't accept the change and will eventually try to regain the weight. Something else that we have been talking about is change on the cellular level. By that I mean changing the way your body processes fat. One of the ideas we had was to do an outright sprint for 10 minutes before each workout, thus, tricking your body into thinking that you're being chased and you need to be lighter and faster or you will become lunch. Kind of silly when written out like that, but it does make some sense and I am going to try it.
I had a lot more "issues" than I thought, so the hypnotherapist and I still trying to untangle my protective web and then we will start attacking the weight straight on. In the mean time, I am renewing my gym membership and falling back into the 3 to 4 workouts per weeks. It does more than burn calories; it also helps me feel better and, thus, helps remind me to watch my diet.
I am also going to break down and buy the Gabriel Method and incorporate that into this weight loss chapter. Hopefully, I will be able to record some weight loss soon. And I may revert to veganism after Thanksgiving. After about two weeks your body feels cleaner and more energetic.
Bariatric surgery really does need to be a last resort and, even though I have tried almost every diet under the sun, I don't feel like I have exhausted all options. So now I will continue the hypnotherapy (because I enjoy it) and do the Gabriel thing and cut back on the animal proteins and get back into the gym. Wow, I lost weight just thinking about all of that. I have confidence in this attempt because I am trying to settle the root cause of my "mental" weight.
I had a lot more "issues" than I thought, so the hypnotherapist and I still trying to untangle my protective web and then we will start attacking the weight straight on. In the mean time, I am renewing my gym membership and falling back into the 3 to 4 workouts per weeks. It does more than burn calories; it also helps me feel better and, thus, helps remind me to watch my diet.
I am also going to break down and buy the Gabriel Method and incorporate that into this weight loss chapter. Hopefully, I will be able to record some weight loss soon. And I may revert to veganism after Thanksgiving. After about two weeks your body feels cleaner and more energetic.
Bariatric surgery really does need to be a last resort and, even though I have tried almost every diet under the sun, I don't feel like I have exhausted all options. So now I will continue the hypnotherapy (because I enjoy it) and do the Gabriel thing and cut back on the animal proteins and get back into the gym. Wow, I lost weight just thinking about all of that. I have confidence in this attempt because I am trying to settle the root cause of my "mental" weight.
Tuesday November 23, 2010 - Top Body Weight Blog Award
It would figure that while I have been the busiest with the art estate and neglectful of my blog posts that this blog has been recognized as a Top Body Weight Blog.
2010 Top Body Weight Blog
The obsession with body weight is at an all time high in this country. Diet programs featuring eating plans and coaches and counselors are all over television and print media. What is a healthy body weight? What is your BMI? So many questions about weight and proper nutrition, how do you know which information to rely on? Our award winners can help with that, from experts in nutrition to fitness to counselors these blogs will entertain you, inspire you and steer you in the right direction to find those answers!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wednesday November 10, 2010 - New York City trip
The last few days have been pretty good in terms of diet. I wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling bloated for my trip today.
My wife and I are flying out to NYC for some intense meetings with the Greene Naftali and the Anthology Film Archives. We will also be meeting with reps from the Whitney, MoMa, and NY Film Coop. In addition, we will be meeting with our new contract counsel.
The funnest part of the trip will be our night out on Broadway. We always try to make a show when we are out there. This time will be particularly exciting. We will be seeing the Addams Family musical with Nathan Lane and Bebe kfaff something (lilith from Cheers and Fraser).
I don't have to worry about exercise since most of our destinations are within 10 blocks of our hotel so we will walking most of the time. We will be back late Saturday.
My wife and I are flying out to NYC for some intense meetings with the Greene Naftali and the Anthology Film Archives. We will also be meeting with reps from the Whitney, MoMa, and NY Film Coop. In addition, we will be meeting with our new contract counsel.
The funnest part of the trip will be our night out on Broadway. We always try to make a show when we are out there. This time will be particularly exciting. We will be seeing the Addams Family musical with Nathan Lane and Bebe kfaff something (lilith from Cheers and Fraser).
I don't have to worry about exercise since most of our destinations are within 10 blocks of our hotel so we will walking most of the time. We will be back late Saturday.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
November 6th, 2010 - Finally getting serious again
Sorry for the length between posts. I will start using this as a daily journal again starting today. I have a lot going on right now and I am spending the greater part of each day writing articles and wishing I was writing the book.
A few days before, during, and after the election I had a huge surge in readership. This week I had over 10,000 reads. Unreal. Just thinking about that many people reading my articles was a shot of adrenalin. My reads have stabilized at about 200 reads per day for both columns combined, but I am very competitive so I will continue to try to increase that average. I would like to have 300-500 reads per day and that takes good relevant articles. It is the same as this blog. If you don't write consistently, then your readership drops.
This coming week Cheri and I are going out to NYC to meet with our gallery and film distributors to try to establish a unified strategy for the future. We are a little cautious, but eager to proceed. The highlight of our four day trip will certainly be going to the Broadway show Addams Family with Nathan Lane. Very excited about that. Today I have to prepare a portfolio of information so we can make the best use of our time. I will be borrowing my sister's laptop so I should be able to write this blog.
At this point, I am writing two blogs, two Examiner columns, and the book. Soon I will add to that three additional weekly columns for a new publishing company. I am writing more than 6,000 words per week which doesn't sound like much, but the columns have to be well researched, cited, and concise. Concise is not so easy for me. Take this post. I've only been writing it for about 15 minutes and I already have what looks like 500 words. Free writing is easy. Concise writing is harder.
I went to my second hypnotherapy appointment this week. She is a good therapist even without the hypnosis, so the hypnosis is kind of a bonus. This week we continued to work on issues that have been bothering me for years. It is very healthy and the hypnosis is very relaxing. Either I fell into a deeper trance this week or I fell asleep. HA! Maybe that's what hypnosis is supposed to feel like. I don't know what normal is.
My diet has been crappy, but I'm starting to gear up to go back into healthy eating. I think I will have greater success with the hypnosis backup. At least I hope I will.
A few days before, during, and after the election I had a huge surge in readership. This week I had over 10,000 reads. Unreal. Just thinking about that many people reading my articles was a shot of adrenalin. My reads have stabilized at about 200 reads per day for both columns combined, but I am very competitive so I will continue to try to increase that average. I would like to have 300-500 reads per day and that takes good relevant articles. It is the same as this blog. If you don't write consistently, then your readership drops.
This coming week Cheri and I are going out to NYC to meet with our gallery and film distributors to try to establish a unified strategy for the future. We are a little cautious, but eager to proceed. The highlight of our four day trip will certainly be going to the Broadway show Addams Family with Nathan Lane. Very excited about that. Today I have to prepare a portfolio of information so we can make the best use of our time. I will be borrowing my sister's laptop so I should be able to write this blog.
At this point, I am writing two blogs, two Examiner columns, and the book. Soon I will add to that three additional weekly columns for a new publishing company. I am writing more than 6,000 words per week which doesn't sound like much, but the columns have to be well researched, cited, and concise. Concise is not so easy for me. Take this post. I've only been writing it for about 15 minutes and I already have what looks like 500 words. Free writing is easy. Concise writing is harder.
I went to my second hypnotherapy appointment this week. She is a good therapist even without the hypnosis, so the hypnosis is kind of a bonus. This week we continued to work on issues that have been bothering me for years. It is very healthy and the hypnosis is very relaxing. Either I fell into a deeper trance this week or I fell asleep. HA! Maybe that's what hypnosis is supposed to feel like. I don't know what normal is.
My diet has been crappy, but I'm starting to gear up to go back into healthy eating. I think I will have greater success with the hypnosis backup. At least I hope I will.
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