CPAP

I have been using a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) devise when I sleep since about 2001 or 2002. I wear a clear mask that blows a steady stream of air over my nose. I only breathe through my nose when sleeping. I guess that's a trained ability. Besides, if you breathe through your mouth it makes a silly sound and it's nearly impossible to keep the stream through your mouth. I have seen first hand a mask that covers both your mouth and nose, but I don't have the slightest idea how that helps.

I know that the stream of air keeps you nose passage open and helps you not snore. Its used for a condition or effect called sleep apnea which simply means your not getting enough oxygen when your sleeping. It's primarily used by obese people, but I used to snore when I was thin too, so I think anyone could benefit from using one. I started using mine after an all night sleep study at a local hospital.

An oxygen tube can be connected to the devise, but I just use regular air. A better explanation of the whole deal can be found at  http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/cpap/

Anyway, my point is that I always sleep with my mask. I take naps with it and I travel with it UNLESS I fall asleep on the couch watching television. I'm the type of person that has to be moving all the time. If you slow me down and make me sit, outside of driving or in class, I fall asleep. I fall asleep at the movies all the time unless I have some cold tea or a water bottle to sip on.

I just fell asleep on the couch watching World War Z. It's not the movie. I love the movie, but the couch is super comfortable and I was watching the movie for the second time. I watched it last night On Demand (pay per view). It was worth watching again. The rental lasts two days. Anyway, I woke up with the worst frick'n headache.

Last January when I was in the hospital they recorded my oxygen at a level in the 90's when I used the CPAP, but in the low 80's when I went without which I guess can be dangerous to your overall health.

So now I have a headache and I'll have to take some acetaminophen. With my bad liver I am allowed to take acetaminophen every once in a while, but only two tablets twice a day if I have too. I know two tablets will take care of this stupid headache today. AND, then I'll finish watching the movie... without falling asleep.

Feeling better

The seroquel worked and I felt better by the evening. I was still happy to go to sleep and leave yesterday away. I feel okay so far this morning.

My weight was from 429 or 421 in the Western Hills nursing home in January 2013. I'm not positive since I was still coming out of a psychotic state and I don't know if I read the chart right. The beginning on January, when I entered Swedish Hospital, I could have been as much as 10 pounds heavier.

In 2012 I had completely given up, having gone from 335 slowly to 350 and then I gave up and stopped weighing myself and started eating like a regular person. My metabolism can't handle that.

I didn't eat anything while I was in Swedish for 2 1/2 weeks with what started as a severe case of cellutitus and then the infection reached my blood stream which can easily have fatal results. I hated the food in the nursing home and I only really ate fruit for 1 1/2 weeks. By the time I got out of the nursing home I probably weighed somewhere around 404 or so. My home scale only goes up to 400. It kept showing an error until one day in February. I was 390 by the end of February. I wasn't going to lose this chance to kick off a diet to help my body in about a dozen different ways. I became devoted to making my self healthier for good.

I've lost between 8 and 10 pounds a month consistently. That per month goal has given me the chance to eat whatever I wanted occasionally, but only a little bit. Most of the time I just concentrated on high protein foods and never anything after 6pm. At some points in each month I would stabilize or gain a few pounds, but then I would pull it out by the end of the month.

This morning I weighed in at 312.4. I have two days until the first of October. It is possible for me to lose 2 more pounds by then and start the month at 310. That would put me at 10 short pounds to my first awesome goal. I'll be leaving the 300's behind two months early. Yup. I feel pretty good this morning.  

Having a panic attack

I thought it might be good or terribly stupid to write while I'm headed into a panic attack. This won't take long. I feel weird. I can't explain it, but I'll try. Everything around me is going okay, but I feel like I need to run. No where in particular, just run. I feel like I need to be out of my own skin. I may have to call my psychiatrist, but I know she'll tell me to take an extra dose of seroquel so I will on my own. Maybe I need to sleep this off. My chest is tight and my breathing is short. I'm bouncing off the walls. I have to go.

Updated Bariatric Progress Log

Just a quick note. I painfully updated my Bariatric weight gain/loss Progress Log at http://www.lose250.com/

Found a new Bariatric Vitamin !!!

I should probably start with a slight revision to my previous post. I could just go in and edit it, but it's important enough to post here. In January 2013, when I was in the hospital for a very bad case of cellutisus (skin infection) I lost track of time. My wife tends to give me information bits at a time in case I can't handle the truth. I hate that, but she's kind of right. I do flip out when I learn about something I don't remember. This is one of those times. I guess the reason that I lost track of time while I was in the hospital for two and a half weeks is because I went psychotic. Not bad psychotic. I just lost touch with reality for a couple of weeks. I do remember all of the time spent at the nursing home, so  I must have been better by then. Opps.

My big news for all bariatric patients is that I finally found a new supplement to replace the Optisource who changed their formula or taste into butt. Twinlab makes a series of supplements for us that tastes great. The big chewable multi-vitamin pill tastes like berry sweet tarts! I found them at Spouts Market (formally called Sunflower Market) http://www.twinlab.com/product/bariatric-support-chewable-multi . Great stuff. They have a full line of bariatric vitamins and supplements.

An important part of weight loss is obviously exercise. Of course exercise burns calories, but not as many as you would think. Losing weight is still about good calories being used or burned in greater relation to those required to maintain or gain weight. Basically, you have to eat less and exercise because it helps you burn fat not muscle. For a long time I have had problems with my left knee. I run on the treadmill and hike on a regular basis and my knee would be on fire and I couldn't maintain my regiment. I went to a respected orthopedic surgeon expecting to have my MCL worked on. Instead he took x-rays of my knees and showed me something interesting. I have stage 3 out of 4 bone on bone arthritis. I have the same contact on both knees, but only the left one hurts now. He told me the right would eventually start hurting as well. The long term solution is a knee replacement, but I have to lose about a hundred more pounds to be eligible. The short term solution is to get a single injection of Synvisc one Hylan G-F 20 directly into my knee. He said it creates a temporary barrier between bones. It should last six months. Some of my friends have told me it can last much longer and you can always have another injection. You have to be tender on your knee for 48 hours, but after that you can do whatever you want to. SIX MONTHS WITHOUT PAIN! I'm in! Now I'm just waiting for my insurance to approve it which they most likely will. If I had only known earlier. So much pain could have been avoided. Anyway, with my new reduced weight my running and hiking are much easier aside from the knee pain. I'll really be able to hit the gym soon. Sooooo happy! I'll let you know how it works.

Weight loss

Hello folks,

In 2012 I watched my weight slowly go from say 330 to 350 to 360 and then I stopped weighing myself. I knew I had completely sabotaged my lapband surgery which is proof positive that the surgery isn't the magical solution that many believe it is. It's easy to stretch out the upper pouch to the point where you can almost eat as normal people.

I'm not sure how much weight I was when I first entered the hospital for a severe case of cellutisis on my left leg on January 4th, 2013. I imagine that it was somewhere around 430. I lost lots of weight for those first two and a half weeks because I was too sick to eat and the food tasted bland and just yucky. When I went into the nursing home I seem to remember 429 being entered on my chart. I do remember being told that I was somewhere around 421.

Once I got home in February my scale showed an "error" because it only went up to 400. After a week or so I finally got it to work and I was just under 400. Today I scaled out at 321. It's unbelievable but I have for the last several months been aiming for 10 pounds per month. I've been close to that each month, but I think it's been more like 8 pounds per month. By the end of this month I should hit 310 because my body took some time to get used to being around 320 to 325 pounds. That usually makes it easier to drop some quick weight.

I know that the "rules" say that you should only eat three meals a day of no more than a 1/4 cup, but I don't really pay attention to that. I don't exclude anything because I don't want get cravings. I do eat ice cream and a few bites of an Arby's beef and cheddar. I eat pretty much anything, but I don't eat more than maybe a 1/2 to 3/4 cups of food. My best loss days are when I don't snack and I have discipline at dinner time and after dinner. I think you lose the most weight while you sleep.

I have also resumed my weekend mountain hikes and I have also restarted my tri-weekly gym workout. It's important, but not really because you lose a lot of weight working out. I does make you feel stronger and more limber, but losing weight is more of a calorie in and calorie out. Sure you burn some calories working out, but eating less burns more calories. Especially if you eat less at lunch and dinner. You can completely sabotage your good discipline from the day if you eat a late fatty dinner of more than 1/2 cup. If you eat right at bed time or if you get up for a snack, you will gain weight.

I don't really follow those strict rules of high protein of 1/4 cup only three times a day because I am still losing 8 to 10 pounds a day without any cravings at all. Oh yeah, drinking hard liquor and beer completely messes up your weight and messes up my liver. Do I ever drink? Yeah, sometimes if I'm watching football with my brother or something, but I milk one beer during the whole game. I never have more than one drink every week. Most of the time I do not have any. Those become my good weeks. This week will be a good week. I imagine I will hit about 317 this week.

I will easily scale out below 300 by Thanksgiving. That will be a cool day. One note about my bipolar mood swings. The mornings have gotten better, but I have to take a seroquel in the afternoon otherwise my mind races too fast and I become combative. In all I would say that I am doing okay.    

Bipolar moods swings

I continue to believe that most people don't understand. Sure, everyone has ups and downs, but it is the extremes that endanger bipolars. It's like you're out of control of your own mind. My biggest problem regardless of which swing I am in is racing thoughts. Not regular multilevel thinking, but thoughts that nearly scream in your head. They totally exhaust me. Especially when my moods swing within one day. I just want some quiet so I can think clearly. It usually takes extra doses of Seroquel and that makes me sleepy. Sometimes that's good, but if I have tasks to complete that day it is discouraging.

Their are exterior triggers... sometimes. I was trying to remember my hospital stay for cellutitus infection in January. I can remember a bit, but there are huge holes in my memory until I was transferred to the nursing home. My wife told me I went into full psychosis. Damn, I thought I was past that. The last time I went into full psychosis was in January 2008. It took them over three weeks to bring me out. I can remember the waking nightmares. It was truly scary. I don't remember this past January. Maybe that's good.

I have been having waking hallucinations that are usually quick and I have to scratch my head to remember how real they seemed. I had an incident where a child ran in front of my car. I stepped on the brakes before I realized it was not real. My psychiatrist is beginning to wonder if I should be driving. Maybe I made a medication error. Maybe I just need to concentrate on being in the moment. Maybe my mind was elsewhere. I don't know. My PCP thinks they may just be momentary peripheral vision which he considers normal. I'd like to believe that prognosis.

All that being said, I feel generally okay. I have it find more to do in the mornings. My mornings seem to be the hardest. By the afternoon I'm usually writing which forces my mind to go into a different world, a different sphere of reality. I really think the depression of the Winter and all of the physical and family trouble is behind me. I wish I was manic as long as I was depressed, but it doesn't seem to be. I'm not necessarily depressed, thanks to the increased and new meds, but I am diffidently not hypo-manic. Maybe for a few hours of the day. I can say that the new Trileptal has helped stabilize me to a point, but it also puts a weird taste in my mouth.

The bariatric vitamin of choice was Opti-sourse, but they changed their recipe and now they taste just as gross as the others. I'm trying to mix them in orange juice or keep a chaser very close by. I'll admit to not taking them as often as I am supposed to. This may hurt me in the short term because I am continuing to lose weight at the rate of 8 to 10 pounds per month. I haven't been particularly good in the last week and it has resulted in a September first weigh in of 322 instead of my goal of 320. Two pounds isn't much so I can't whip myself too hard.

I guess that's it. Finances are stable for once this year, but that may be short term as my cars all seem to be taking a crap all at once. Oh well, that's life.      

I cried

As I was wrapping up my chapters about my life before my first major episode in 2001, I was reminded of some serious lack of judgments I had before my dad committed suicide. I self medicated way too much before Greg was born and I did things like bringing home a new sports car without telling Cheri. At the time she had an older used car. There was more, but I'm not willing to share them.

Later on, just before Greg, I decided it would be a good idea to supplement our income by modeling. I took expensive classes, paid for a new portfolio, literally starved myself and bought many new clothes that I never even wore. Of course we couldn't afford any of this. I was doing well at modeling, but I quickly found out that male models don't really make money and agencies treated you like a piece of meat. The real bad thing is that I did all of this when I was having great success as a graveyard warehouse manager. I already had a good job.

I was super hyper-sexual. My moods were everywhere. Even through I knew my grandmother and uncle had committed suicide while in a bipolar depressive dip. Even though my dad had told me he was on and off lithium and was a raging alcoholic, hyper-sexual, bad with money, occasionally seeing a psychiatrist, and a huge drug user. And yet they were all brilliant. I didn't make the connections.

I didn't know anything about manic-depressive disorder. If we had had the Internet or if I had a clue, I would have realized that I was bipolar to an extent that I don't know how my wife put up with me. I would have divorced me. I also would have committed suicide when I was in my early 20's. I wanted to. Cheri was my rock, but she was scared. Scared of what I would do next. Scared when we had children. Just scared. I didn't know.

All of it didn't register until I started writing this book; my autobiography. My conversations with Cheri, a book I'm reading, and writing my book all worked together to blow me out this weekend. I followed backwards in time and saw myself for the first time. I saw the truth. I'm still looking back and I am ashamed. I could be massively successful at work and school, but I was a mess on the inside. The more I remember, the more I cry. Cheri won't tell me more. She says maybe a little bit at a time. I should have known. I should have known.

Writing second book

Hello. I know I said I would write more often and I will. It's just that now it takes away from writing my second book which is an autobiography. I was awarded Social Security Disability for my bipolar disorder in July and I want to run through my life before my first major bipolar episode in 2001. I had all the bipolar symptoms before that breakdown, but I didn't recognize them as symptoms. I certainly didn't see a therapist or psychologist before then, but I did feel that something was wrong with me. I was smart enough and figured it was just something else. my example of manic depressive disorder was my dad and he was an alcoholic.

While I occasionally self-medicate to escape the feelings of the disorder I am not an alcoholic nor a regular user of illicit drugs. I do take hand fulls of prescription drugs each day to keep me from going up too far and down to the point of suicidal tenancies. I should correct that. This winter I was suicidal and very depressed. I feel better now, but I do have the feeling of a manic episode coming on. I am properly taken care of and I still feel these things. I can't seem to control them. I can only imagine how hard it would be without care. I'm sure... positive that I would have killed myself by now. The disorder is progressive and it frankly scares me.

I am receiving disability because I told the straight up truth to my therapist, psychologist, the State of Colorado appointed psychologist, someone who reviewed my case from the State, the vocational adviser in the court room, my  lawyers, and the Judge. They all came to the same conclusion. Even though I am medicated and controlled I am not able to work with people in general. If I am manic I will argue and fight with anyone. If I am depressed and you are able to get me out of my room, I feel trapped and I want to run. In those cases I also feel the need to protect myself behind my intellect and I am always ready for a show down. I seem to maintain these urges at home with my family to a point, but definitely not at work. I guess that's why I went thorough seven or eight jobs in six years. I even took a year long break in there. I was fired several times. I was hospitalized for both physical reasons and mental breakdowns several times from July 2007 to now. When I get really bad like I did this winter, my wife and psychologist both choose putting me into a sleepy existence instead of a mental ward. I just slept through my suicidal thoughts and added more medication to moderate my panic attacks. I still get them and that makes me sad, but I'm feeling better. Diving my nose into the new book helps.    

Still losing weight and not satisfied.

I'm on track to hitting 330 by the end of the month. I began the month at 340. My goal for the month was ten pounds. While having hit my goal I still feel like I should be losing weight faster. I'm impatient. I want to be not fat. I don't want to be "the big guy." I certainly don't want strangers to tell me "lose weight man." That really happened a few months ago in the grocery store. He left so fast I did have time to tell him I was losing weight, but he wouldn't have "heard" me anyway. 

In August my goal is 320. Hard to believe having come from 400 plus maybe 30 pounds at the beginning of the year. I didn't even register on my scale that maxed out at 400 until February at some point. Other than fitting into cars and clothes better, I still feel impatient. It is that impatience that works against me. I will succeed at kicking 300's soon enough. Ten pounds a month. Just ten pounds a month. 

People that haven't seen me for a while say I am shrinking like crazy, but I don't see it. I suppose if I could see myself in the mirror at my old weight to my new weight I would get it. I should probably take more pictures, but there in nothing I hate more than pictures. It's embarrassing. 

I'm about to go to my 30th class reunion. People will just see me as fat. They won't see the struggle. The weight I've lost. They will just compare me to the 18 year old thin guy. The guy I want so badly to be. It's embarrassing. I almost didn't want to go because I am embarrassed. Oh well, I have to over that and face the fact that people will see what they want to see. My good friends will see that I am still me. At least I hope so. I'll let you know. The reunion is August 10th. One day before my 29th anniversary to Cheri. That should be what people see. Two people still madly in love with each other.   

Bipolar Social Security Disability

It's been a long time. Sorry. I took time to concentrate on my book "Night in Positano" which I self published, but now I am going to re-write the second half because it sucks. My weight had gone up because I slowly started gaining weight and then I gave up and ballooned to possibly 429 pounds. Total failure, however, I was in the hospital for the month of January 2013 and I lost 20 pounds to 25 pounds because the food tasted bad because of the IV antibiotics and the food generally sucked anyway. In February I finally fell down to under 400 because my scale only goes to 400. Nonetheless, I lost an additional 10 pounds that month and I have basically been losing 10 to 13 pounds per month since then and I am now 333. I have it under control and I have learned my lesson. I fully anticipate continued average 10 pounds loss per month. I keep this up to date now that I don't feel like a failure.

My real reason for today's post is a favorable decision on my Bipolar Social Security Disability claim. I had initially placed a claim about two years ago because I had failed to hold gainful employment since July 2007. I didn't know you could get disability for mental disorders. Once I received a negative result I hired an attorney to help me with my appeal. That was about a year ago. Today the judge examined all of my evidence from my work history, education level, and notes and forms from my psychiatrists and therapists and the state assigned psychiatrists. I went with my lawyer and answered all of his questions about the evidence in short clear sentences. I had many different employers since 1998 to 2007 where I had either jumped ship to greener pastures or I quit before getting fired. In some cases I was fired. Apparently I do not take corrections and directions well and, when manic, I am difficult to work with and when I am depressed I simply don't want to work. My education level is eight years of upper education with one and 3/4 masters. The notes from the psychiatrists and therapists over the last few years clearly state that while I am intelligent, I am impossible to work for or with or any other capacity with others. Basically, I don't play fair in the sand box. Normally judges can take from a week to two months to make their decision, but, thanks to a good lawyer and mountains of evidence, the judge rendered in my favor on the spot. We all dropped our jaws and thanked the judge quietly and left the hearing room. My lawyer was quite happy as were my wife and I.

In a few months or less my disability payments will start and then I will receive a lump sum less my lawyer fee including one year (max) of back payments since my initial filing of the first request. This will help me get out of debt and consider different forms of Medicare. I think this will have a profound effect on my student loans, but I have yet to find out. It has been a long process and we are not quite there, but the light is near.

Thank you readers. This week the views past 18,000 Thank again. I'll be making more posts more frequently.

Hello,
I'm bouncing around 352 and 351. I want to be securely under 350 before the end of the month. It should only take one good day at the gym and one good day of eating well.

I was doing great yesterday, but then I made fajitas for my parents and my family and I nibbled while I cooked so who know how much I actually are. Definitely over a 1/4 cup. I even snaked as I put washed the dishes. Bad bad boy.

My big news is my book about Nick. The teenager who goes through a hell of a year during his early bipolar onset. So far people that have read the manuscript have loved it. To day I'm polishing. I have given myself until the end of the month to go live and upload the final script as an eBook. After some research I have decided to set the online price at $5.57. It can be purchased from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, and my site www.NightInPositano.com . There are some sample chapters up now.

They changed the look of my blog post page... again. I swear they do it just to keep their jobs. Oh well, power to them.

This morning I weighed in at 352.8. It probably would have been .4 better, but I had already had some coffee and took my bipolar meds. That's not bad considering how bad I'd been during the bipolar episode. On April 24th I weighed in at 376. I should be at 352 or 351 flat or better tomorrow and that's a 25 pound loss in one month. Maybe I can really stick to it and go to the gym today to knock that down to a 25 pound loss.

If I can lose say 20 pounds in June and then 20 pounds in July, then I'll be at 312 by August 3rd. The lightest I've been since I started keeping track in 2008. AND 100 pounds lost for my first year anniversary. Truth be told, I think losing 80 pounds or more in one year is a big deal. I didn't get this fat overnight. I got it over the course of some odd 25 years.

I thought I finished my book yesterday, but now I see mechanical errors when I read them out loud. The book took forever and yesterday I read 13 pages to Cheri in 1/2 hour. It's a fast read. 200 pages and I think you could read the whole thing on one rainy afternoon. Oh well, I got the story out. If I can't find a publisher (should have one in NYC) then I'll self publish anyway. I'm rambling. See ya.

I guess this will be short as I am working on unpacking, organizing and shelving some 200 of my favorite books. I may read a bit too much. My book "Night in Positano" is so close to finished that if I have a few days in the library to correct some tense issues and remind myself about the lines I used the first time Nick went into the hospital. So so close. It's already been edited several times. While part one. Part two still needs readers and editing.

Back to weight. I am currently at 354 and still losing weight pretty quickly. Near the being on this blog you can read about my adventure with vegetarianism and vegan. Vegan is okay for about three or four months but then it sucks. When I fell off vegetarianism I had already started gaining weight. Ultimately I decided to have the lapband surgery. All was good then my father in law died and we ate like crap on the road. And then came my hypo-manic bipolar episode. Worst since January 2008. I should have been in the hospital, but even three days gone messes up the family rhythm so I endured sleeping only 3 hours a night and didn't weigh myself. And that's how you can blow the surgery. Maybe I'm being repetitive. Bottom line is that I am 354 today and losing about .75 pounds a day. I bounce up a pound and bounce down a couple pounds, but I weigh myself every day. By the end of the month I should easily hit 350 and maybe even 345. All good and back on track. At first it was hard, but it's getting easier everyday. Need to hit the gym more.