Saturday, September 18, 2010

Saturday night September 18th, 2010 - Writings

Bipolar disorder. I just read my last post. Perhaps a bit personal, but I find honesty alluring. Some days I'll wake up stoked and other days I'll wake up in a panic. I have a lot of anxiety dreams that end in horror. Not the best way to start the day. I would say they all happen just before I wake, but that would only be because the ones that you wake with stick in your mind. Sometimes I really have a hard time shaking them off. Especially if I have dreams of betrayal. I wake up paranoid and suspicious, but those dreams are not reflexive of reality. When I can't shake a nightmare I usually try to think of something happy. And what is the happiest thing? Sex. Yes, a moment of blissful thinking knocks me right out it.

Of course there are other days where I wake up charged and ready to kick some butt. I rush through my morning routine as fast as possible so I can begin doing what I love... writing. I write so many different things. Blogs, articles, commentaries, non-fiction, fiction... I'll write just about anything for $$$ or just for the fun of it. I was great in grad school. Most of it is about reading and writing. To be honest, I coasted at DU's GSIS and at AIU. Well, actually, I coasted through my undergrad as well. I graduated sum cum laude with a 3.9 something.

So I'm good at two things... writing and school. I'm pretty good at teaching as well, but I suck at car repair. I am pretty good with my hands and my compulsive perfectionism helps me when I construct walls and paint.

Painting artwork comes from somewhere else. I have a vision that sticks with me and I have to paint it in order to get it out of my head. I have one now that I am going to have to paint soon. I may or may not use my heavily textured method. This particular painting simply requires streaks of tonality. I couldn't explain it in words, but I alway marvel at the finished product. I stand back and, oh my God, it looks exactly as it did in my head. Now sign it and move on.

So what were we talking about? Fat and non-linear thinking. The difference between bipolars and normal people is that our mood swings are much more extreme. They consider bipolarity a biological phenomena. As such, most, if not all, health insurance companies classify bipolarity and schizophrenia not as mental health, but as a biological. The same as high blood pressure or something. That allows them to cheat you on co-pay and deductible and charge you more. My insurance pays 100% for mental health, but, because of the parity law, they treat my visits as if they were a medical specialty. $50 co-pays. Could be worse. At least I do have some coverage.

Phat. I still feel as if I have emerged from a fragile state just to remain guarded against fragile states and, thus, food is my mistress. My love; my ecstasy. I really need start losing weight again. I haven't gained much but my pants did feel a bit snug this morning. So, on goes the battle. Just like an old truck, I have to adjust my choke to regain the hum of all the cylinders running. My bipolar pity party is over. Time to dig in. Not so easy.  

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