Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thursday September 16th, 2010 - Mental health: bipolar

Today I would like to write about my bipolar disorder because mental health is imperative to weight loss. If you can't shake the downtime and learn how to manipulate the uptime you will be missing positive opportunities. 
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
My late father committed suicide in 1993. He was 50. My grandmother committed suicide when I was a baby. She was 50. My uncle went early. I think he was in his mid-30's when he jumped off of a building. Several of my grandmother's family committed suicide. They were all manic-depressive (bipolar). 
You really should see the clinician's faces when I start with that. I can almost hear them write "needs 72 hour suicide watch." To tell you the truth I do think about suicide, but I'm only 45 so it would be premature. I'm kidding, however, I do think about suicide. I almost tried. I had a plan, but my wife slapped my ass in the hospital. 
That was 2001. I had just lost a $10 million dollar venture capital bid for my fledgling company. I was the CEO. I was under more pressure than I could handle. I started to drink beer then rum. It didn't help. I fell apart and landed in the "holiday inn" (mental facility) for the first time. They diagnosed me bipolar. I used to tell my wife that I felt as if something chemical was wrong with me. I was right. All the signs; all of my life, had pointed towards bipolarity. 
I had a doctor tell me that I was the worst kind of bipolar: manic-manic. I do have panic attacks and I do feel overwhelmed by anxiety occasionally, but I wouldn't really qualify those as depression. She said that I was the worst because I fed on mania. She said I liked being super manic. I'm normally running on manic, but I can kick it up to the point where my family becomes concerned and they don't particularly like me. I love it because I can do a million things at once. 
I always think I'm so smart and capable that everything I touch turns to gold, but then I come back and realize that I was fooling myself. In the mean time I would torment my family because I am short and overly determined to do what I want to do. I think I can walk on water and everyone should leave me the hell alone. My wife is my watchdog because I usually can't tell when I have crossed the line. Sometimes it's a real bitch to settle down even when I know I'm over the limit.  
For many years after 2001 I felt bad and I would make urgent appointments with my doctor, but I stayed out of hospitals. In 2007, I was diagnosed with leukemia among a laundry list of crap. I corrected everything over the next few months, but I couldn't control my platelets or my weight. By November, I had blown up to 456 pounds.
They finally put me in the hospital and I lost 50 pounds on IV lasix and then I stopped eating. I ate a tiny bit, but everything started tasting like copper. I ate enough to keep me from passing out. I was losing two to three pounds a day. Some days I lost five pounds. 
By the end of December 2007 I had lost 70-80 pounds. My meds went crazy and toxified my system. I went into the holiday inn completely psychotic. I was in a hallucinatory state for three weeks. I couldn't remember anyone's name except for my wife. I had a special friend who lived in my bedsprings. He looked like a cross between a dead harry potter and gollum. 
I finally got out, but my outpatient status lasted a long time. Finally, after a year or so, my mind reached 100%, but my body was still shit. Shortly after that I began losing weight by becoming a strict vegan and an extreme worker outter dude (new words aka sarah palin).   
I am much healthier today, but I still keep pilling more and more on my plate. I have at least 8 projects going on right now. If one of them tanks, the others may suffer because it is completely feasible that I will have an episode. Sometimes I feel like I am on the edge of madness, but I fight back and move forward. I know I'll have to go back to the holiday inn at some point. I do like feeling safe and nurtured. But, I don't need that right now. Everything is turning around for me. 
My fluctuating mental health is my personal weight challenge. When I get manic I eat. And eat. That is the real reason I have gained weight back. I have been on high mental alert since January of this year. Staying healthy and stable took priority and calories did not. I've been trying to get back, but financial issues have kept me on edge. Soon I hope I can get a grip. As for today, I will do my best to diet. Humm. That was a long post. sorry. Now I have to write an article on free online education for denver senior citizens. Later. I apologize for any grammar errors. I don't have time to read back through it. If you like hearing about my deepest secrets,follow this blog.

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