Thursday, March 3, 2011

Thursday March 3rd, 2011 - Bipolar low

Still having trouble getting into the weight loss mode. For some reason, I can't seem to shake what is obviously a bipolar low. I'm on edge and ready for an argument. The boys have a habit of procrastinating about things I have asked them to do. For instance, I asked number 3 to empty the trash 3 times and he said he would. Finally I got tired of seeing the overflowing trash and I went to him as he was lying on his bed texting his girlfriend and told him to stop what he is doing and empty the trash immediately. He got up and grabbed the bag I had already pulled and set on the floor with such force and attitude that he knocked some of the trash out of the bag. I went ape shit. I'll let them back talk to a point, but they are not allowed to throw things or slam doors and walk away from me when I am disciplining them. That triggers animal anger. Another example, I do the laundry. I don't mind, but I expect number 2 to take his clean and folded basket of clothes up to his room and he must put them away as opposed to living out of the basket. I had his basket sitting in the path to the stairs. He had to have past it many times. As a matter of fact he was pulling clean clothes out of it while it remained in the way. I asked repeatedly over the course of two days and he said, "yeah sure, in a minute." I had heard that enough and I turned the computer monitor off and told him he could resume on the computer when he had collected his basket and put them away. I do this with verbal conclusion, not physical force. They get all wacked out and say I'm going over the top and being an ass which just gets them further into trouble. Then I am compelled to offer a one way conversation to prohibit repeated offenses. Okay, I tear them a new one. My wife who listens to my request and sees my eventual blowout tells me she totally agrees and that I was completely justified and well within the bounds of proper parenting. Keep in mind that number 3 is 14 and number two is 19. I don't even work on number one anymore because I want him to learn to take care of himself so I let him get as close as I can to letting him face the adult consequences. Besides, he knows all my button and can drive me to the point where I have to leave the room or even the house before I smack him one. Keep in mind I am not only fat, but also very strong both in voice and physical being. They wouldn't stand a chance in a physical fight. I scare them. All that being said, 99% of the time I laugh and hang out with 2 &3 and we have fun (number 1 is too cool for me and he thinks I'm an idiot). I still think I am a good parent. None of my boys have gotten suspended from school or even a parking ticket let alone a DUI or incarceration of any kind. They respect other peoples property and they would never harm a soul. In our household their is a "no touchy" rule. I want them to use their words, not fists. That rule is obeyed over 98% of the time. They are publicly respectful and polite. I think they are awesome boys. And they adore their mom as they should. They will make excellent husbands and parents when the time comes.

The one thing that will provoke the opening of the whoop ass can is if they talk back to their mother or disrespect her in any way. I simply will not tolerate that under any circumstances and they know it. You can mess with me to a point, but never ever with mom. It's the way it always has been and always will be. Mom is to be talked to respectfully even when she is wrong. She loves her boys unconditionally, but she has no problem threating to tell me. For some reason this works. I must be just scary enough, but I don't have to use physical force so I guess its just part of being a parent, but I still get upset when I have to play the bad guy. Of course that doesn't stop me. I'll take the roll because I am the dad.

All of that is okay, but when I'm like this, I have a much shorter fuse and I will react with fierceness when ignored. I always try to be polite even when I am ready to kill someone, but if they blow me off, I retaliate.

I think what concerns me the most when I am depressed is that it is so hard to get motivated and to be productive. And I have been fantasizing about death. I think it would be a relief to be dead for awhile, but then I want the Jesus ability to come back. I just want peace and maybe I selfishly want people to recognize a world without me. Nonetheless, I have gone through the check list; hanging=gross; cutting wrists=ouch; jumping off a cliff=ouch; solo car wreck = messy and death is not guarantied. Gun shot =messy, but guaranteed. Drug overdose. Humm, it would have to be lethal and quick and painless. Maybe take a drive to a mountain road and then OD.

See, is that a little unhealthy? When I find myself seriously planning out my suicide I know I'm depressed. There is no real reason. My life isn't even close to being hard enough to commit suicide. What I do fear is that I would not be "attempting" anything. I would be successful as usual. So much to lose; some much left to be done; so much to wait for like grandchildren or successfully transitioning into a full time author. I have lots of places I want to travel to and many other things yet to be experienced so no, I am not currently suicidal, but I think about it too much and sometimes I scare myself. I could see a problem if I was, for instance, going through a divorce or if I found out my wife was having an affair. I just couldn't handle that. I suppose if I got arrested for something horrible, I would commit suicide in a blink.

I guess when I'm writing it out it sounds silly. Unfortunately, this is the point where I get real drunk for a day or I eat without restraint. I did that last night. I ate three hot dogs. In my defense, they were really good hot dogs prepared just the way I like them. Which reminds me; I haven't had lunch yet and I need to write on the book so enough of this pity party and back to work. I haven't even made my bed yet. Later.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a 19 year old who suffers from Bipolar disorder as well, and your writings are always a source of inspiration for me. I am fortunate enough to not suffer from obesity, but your fight against this horrible mental illness and the success that you have found is truly remarkable. I am a college student and I have very few friends here at school, I haven't told anyone what makes me act the way I do, maybe that's why they see me as weird and push me away. Whenever I give up hope, I remember your story and how you have overcome this challenge and made a great life for yourself, with a loving and supportive family. I hope one day to be like you, and I hope to be half as good a husband and father if that is ever possible in the first place. Don't be discouraged by the lack of comments, your writings are a source of hope for people like me everywhere.