Bipolar disorder. I just read my last post. Perhaps a bit personal, but I find honesty alluring. Some days I'll wake up stoked and other days I'll wake up in a panic. I have a lot of anxiety dreams that end in horror. Not the best way to start the day. I would say they all happen just before I wake, but that would only be because the ones that you wake with stick in your mind. Sometimes I really have a hard time shaking them off. Especially if I have dreams of betrayal. I wake up paranoid and suspicious, but those dreams are not reflexive of reality. When I can't shake a nightmare I usually try to think of something happy. And what is the happiest thing? Sex. Yes, a moment of blissful thinking knocks me right out it.
Of course there are other days where I wake up charged and ready to kick some butt. I rush through my morning routine as fast as possible so I can begin doing what I love... writing. I write so many different things. Blogs, articles, commentaries, non-fiction, fiction... I'll write just about anything for $$$ or just for the fun of it. I was great in grad school. Most of it is about reading and writing. To be honest, I coasted at DU's GSIS and at AIU. Well, actually, I coasted through my undergrad as well. I graduated sum cum laude with a 3.9 something.
So I'm good at two things... writing and school. I'm pretty good at teaching as well, but I suck at car repair. I am pretty good with my hands and my compulsive perfectionism helps me when I construct walls and paint.
Painting artwork comes from somewhere else. I have a vision that sticks with me and I have to paint it in order to get it out of my head. I have one now that I am going to have to paint soon. I may or may not use my heavily textured method. This particular painting simply requires streaks of tonality. I couldn't explain it in words, but I alway marvel at the finished product. I stand back and, oh my God, it looks exactly as it did in my head. Now sign it and move on.
So what were we talking about? Fat and non-linear thinking. The difference between bipolars and normal people is that our mood swings are much more extreme. They consider bipolarity a biological phenomena. As such, most, if not all, health insurance companies classify bipolarity and schizophrenia not as mental health, but as a biological. The same as high blood pressure or something. That allows them to cheat you on co-pay and deductible and charge you more. My insurance pays 100% for mental health, but, because of the parity law, they treat my visits as if they were a medical specialty. $50 co-pays. Could be worse. At least I do have some coverage.
Phat. I still feel as if I have emerged from a fragile state just to remain guarded against fragile states and, thus, food is my mistress. My love; my ecstasy. I really need start losing weight again. I haven't gained much but my pants did feel a bit snug this morning. So, on goes the battle. Just like an old truck, I have to adjust my choke to regain the hum of all the cylinders running. My bipolar pity party is over. Time to dig in. Not so easy.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday September 16th, 2010 - Mental health: bipolar
Today I would like to write about my bipolar disorder because mental health is imperative to weight loss. If you can't shake the downtime and learn how to manipulate the uptime you will be missing positive opportunities.
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
My late father committed suicide in 1993. He was 50. My grandmother committed suicide when I was a baby. She was 50. My uncle went early. I think he was in his mid-30's when he jumped off of a building. Several of my grandmother's family committed suicide. They were all manic-depressive (bipolar).
You really should see the clinician's faces when I start with that. I can almost hear them write "needs 72 hour suicide watch." To tell you the truth I do think about suicide, but I'm only 45 so it would be premature. I'm kidding, however, I do think about suicide. I almost tried. I had a plan, but my wife slapped my ass in the hospital.
That was 2001. I had just lost a $10 million dollar venture capital bid for my fledgling company. I was the CEO. I was under more pressure than I could handle. I started to drink beer then rum. It didn't help. I fell apart and landed in the "holiday inn" (mental facility) for the first time. They diagnosed me bipolar. I used to tell my wife that I felt as if something chemical was wrong with me. I was right. All the signs; all of my life, had pointed towards bipolarity.
I had a doctor tell me that I was the worst kind of bipolar: manic-manic. I do have panic attacks and I do feel overwhelmed by anxiety occasionally, but I wouldn't really qualify those as depression. She said that I was the worst because I fed on mania. She said I liked being super manic. I'm normally running on manic, but I can kick it up to the point where my family becomes concerned and they don't particularly like me. I love it because I can do a million things at once.
I always think I'm so smart and capable that everything I touch turns to gold, but then I come back and realize that I was fooling myself. In the mean time I would torment my family because I am short and overly determined to do what I want to do. I think I can walk on water and everyone should leave me the hell alone. My wife is my watchdog because I usually can't tell when I have crossed the line. Sometimes it's a real bitch to settle down even when I know I'm over the limit.
For many years after 2001 I felt bad and I would make urgent appointments with my doctor, but I stayed out of hospitals. In 2007, I was diagnosed with leukemia among a laundry list of crap. I corrected everything over the next few months, but I couldn't control my platelets or my weight. By November, I had blown up to 456 pounds.
They finally put me in the hospital and I lost 50 pounds on IV lasix and then I stopped eating. I ate a tiny bit, but everything started tasting like copper. I ate enough to keep me from passing out. I was losing two to three pounds a day. Some days I lost five pounds.
By the end of December 2007 I had lost 70-80 pounds. My meds went crazy and toxified my system. I went into the holiday inn completely psychotic. I was in a hallucinatory state for three weeks. I couldn't remember anyone's name except for my wife. I had a special friend who lived in my bedsprings. He looked like a cross between a dead harry potter and gollum.
I finally got out, but my outpatient status lasted a long time. Finally, after a year or so, my mind reached 100%, but my body was still shit. Shortly after that I began losing weight by becoming a strict vegan and an extreme worker outter dude (new words aka sarah palin).
I am much healthier today, but I still keep pilling more and more on my plate. I have at least 8 projects going on right now. If one of them tanks, the others may suffer because it is completely feasible that I will have an episode. Sometimes I feel like I am on the edge of madness, but I fight back and move forward. I know I'll have to go back to the holiday inn at some point. I do like feeling safe and nurtured. But, I don't need that right now. Everything is turning around for me.
My fluctuating mental health is my personal weight challenge. When I get manic I eat. And eat. That is the real reason I have gained weight back. I have been on high mental alert since January of this year. Staying healthy and stable took priority and calories did not. I've been trying to get back, but financial issues have kept me on edge. Soon I hope I can get a grip. As for today, I will do my best to diet. Humm. That was a long post. sorry. Now I have to write an article on free online education for denver senior citizens. Later. I apologize for any grammar errors. I don't have time to read back through it. If you like hearing about my deepest secrets,follow this blog.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Second post Wednesday September 15th, 2010 MorningStar article
This article isn't about dieting, but I like it.
Denver's MorningStar Senior Living is rolling out an ambitious computer and Internet training series
Grandparents rule!
Photo: by surlygirlOn Thursday October 7th, 2010, MorningStar Senior Living’s Dayton Place Denver will begin classes on “Basic computer knowledge 101.” The first meeting of this pilot course presented by Denver’s Modern Senior Technology, Inc.™ begins at 10:30am and is scheduled to run one hour.
Kevin Tong, MorningStar’s Life Enrichment Director at Dayton Place, said that if this course is received as well as anticipated, they may expand the program to their other Colorado communities. “We want to offer a class that helps our experienced and inexperienced residents on the computer and the Internet.”
Tong explained further that, “We have received numerous family requests for online social networking training.” One of the pitfalls of senior living is keeping in contact with friends, sons and daughters as well as grandchildren.
One of the primary objectives of the program is to introduce the residents to social networking websites like Facebook.com™ who now has over 500 million registered users or the 26 million micro-blogging users of Twitter.com™.
Perhaps the most useful social networking phenomenon for seniors is Skype.com™. Originally used by companies the world over, Skype now has over 600 million registered users from both the private and public sectors. Through the utilization of Skype’s online video conferencing, seniors can video conference with their families in “real time.”
Opening communication channels may not be the most significant benefit. According toMedicineNet.com™, “several studies also have suggested that people who engage in intellectually stimulating activities, such as social interactions… significantly lower their risk of developing Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia.”
MorningStar’s quest to expand their resident’s knowledge through the utilization of the computer and the Internet will not only enrich their lives; it may even extend it.
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Wednesday September 15th, 2010 - Ambitious hump day
Just for a change I am going to make a small post in the morning. Let's start with s status report then glide into weight loss. I am fairly house bound today. If I do need to go anywhere I can ride my bike. I should probably go for a ride this afternoon anyway. My poor bike hasn't been ridden for weeks.
I'm stuck at home because my wonderful lovely BMW needs a whole new radiator. A few weeks ago I was picking up Bobby from school and as I neared our neighborhood the radiator stated spewing fluid everywhere. I was only a few blocks from my house and the temp gauge was okay so I drove it home. By the time I reached the house the gauge started shooting up to HOT. I opened the hood and thought "wow, my hose came loose." So I waited until after the engine had cooled and I saw that part of the connecting neck was broke off as well. The BMW has a closed high pressure system that needs all of its parts. In the end, the whole radiator needs to be repaired at a whopping cost of $600 something. With the seasonably slow art business and my new job with the Examiner, I decided that being without a car would be fine for a while.
I am not going to the Museum of Contemporary Art Denver today because I basically quit Wednesdays, but I will work grand openings and special idea box events. I decided I needed the time to write. And then there is the car thing, but that's only temporary. I needed my Wednesdays back. I'll be volunteering for two openings in October so all is well.
So here I sit broken hearted, thought I'd %#*, but only farted. Ever read that on the bathroom stall? I'm just being silly. I don't know whether I have fully woken up yet.
Today I want to write two articles for the Examiner and maybe one for Ezine and then I want to work on the book. Hopefully I will have time to paint. I have a painting stuck in my mind that won't go away until I paint it. It will be a slight deviation from my normal, but perfect for the season. If you want to see my artwork and photography go to http://www.paulsharits.com/about_chris.htm The one shown above is called "Fury."
So on to the diet. I will be making slow cook beef stew. I will be stuck with the vegetables, but I can still put a bit of cheese on them. I just ate oatmeal and toast. For lunch I'll probably have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I will find some time and some way to get my heart rate up for at least 30 minutes. Maybe I'll mow the lawn. That would do it and I would get rid of one of my weekend chores.
I haven't talked about bariatric surgery for awhile, but my wife's friend at work is all over it. I just can't alter my body like that. Obviously some people must do it or die, but I'm very large and very fit and very happy. I do not need surgery. I don't think it would be a very good idea because of all the bipolar meds I take. Sure wouldn't want to bipolar and starving. I'll probably make another post later today and then we can see how well I did.
I'm stuck at home because my wonderful lovely BMW needs a whole new radiator. A few weeks ago I was picking up Bobby from school and as I neared our neighborhood the radiator stated spewing fluid everywhere. I was only a few blocks from my house and the temp gauge was okay so I drove it home. By the time I reached the house the gauge started shooting up to HOT. I opened the hood and thought "wow, my hose came loose." So I waited until after the engine had cooled and I saw that part of the connecting neck was broke off as well. The BMW has a closed high pressure system that needs all of its parts. In the end, the whole radiator needs to be repaired at a whopping cost of $600 something. With the seasonably slow art business and my new job with the Examiner, I decided that being without a car would be fine for a while.
I am not going to the Museum of Contemporary Art Denver today because I basically quit Wednesdays, but I will work grand openings and special idea box events. I decided I needed the time to write. And then there is the car thing, but that's only temporary. I needed my Wednesdays back. I'll be volunteering for two openings in October so all is well.
So here I sit broken hearted, thought I'd %#*, but only farted. Ever read that on the bathroom stall? I'm just being silly. I don't know whether I have fully woken up yet.
So on to the diet. I will be making slow cook beef stew. I will be stuck with the vegetables, but I can still put a bit of cheese on them. I just ate oatmeal and toast. For lunch I'll probably have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I will find some time and some way to get my heart rate up for at least 30 minutes. Maybe I'll mow the lawn. That would do it and I would get rid of one of my weekend chores.
I haven't talked about bariatric surgery for awhile, but my wife's friend at work is all over it. I just can't alter my body like that. Obviously some people must do it or die, but I'm very large and very fit and very happy. I do not need surgery. I don't think it would be a very good idea because of all the bipolar meds I take. Sure wouldn't want to bipolar and starving. I'll probably make another post later today and then we can see how well I did.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday September 13th, 2010 - Writing my butt off
I wish that were true. If only I could actually write my butt off, rather, I need to be more diligent about time management so I can find more exercise opportunities. I did work up a great sweat flying through my Monday housework. That has to count for something. Tomorrow is my gym day. I will have to do a quick circuit loop. And I will have to seriously reduce my calories. The challenge here is that I forget to eat when I'm writing. There is always one more idea I need to write down out of fear that I will.... what was I saying?
What ends up happening when I do remember to eat is that I run to the frig and eat whatever is the easiest and quickest. That usually ends up being unhealthy or real healthy and too much healthy. At least I did get the hike in on Saturday. Tomorrow will be a challenge between dropping off my wife at work on the other side of the world in the morning and then the orthodontist in the afternoon and then dinner. Well, at least the women in the house will be out tomorrow evening and I can throw some boy food in the oven. I have my eyes on a southwest vegetable mix. It's actually rocks with jalapeños and a touch of sour cream. You know I hate milk and raw milk is downright dangerous, but I still love cheese and a touch of sour cream. It's still vegetarian so it's on my diet.
So, anyway, I'll have to deal with tomorrow and still push out two articles. I've already started one about online simulation training for creating in-office crowns. Dental crowns. Anyway, this is the link to today's article on Christian online learning. http://www.examiner.com/online-learning-in-denver/colorado-christian-university-offers-student-s-online-faith-based-curriculum
What ends up happening when I do remember to eat is that I run to the frig and eat whatever is the easiest and quickest. That usually ends up being unhealthy or real healthy and too much healthy. At least I did get the hike in on Saturday. Tomorrow will be a challenge between dropping off my wife at work on the other side of the world in the morning and then the orthodontist in the afternoon and then dinner. Well, at least the women in the house will be out tomorrow evening and I can throw some boy food in the oven. I have my eyes on a southwest vegetable mix. It's actually rocks with jalapeños and a touch of sour cream. You know I hate milk and raw milk is downright dangerous, but I still love cheese and a touch of sour cream. It's still vegetarian so it's on my diet.
So, anyway, I'll have to deal with tomorrow and still push out two articles. I've already started one about online simulation training for creating in-office crowns. Dental crowns. Anyway, this is the link to today's article on Christian online learning. http://www.examiner.com/online-learning-in-denver/colorado-christian-university-offers-student-s-online-faith-based-curriculum
Monday September 13th, 2010 - Ezine article on homeschooling laws
I write local online learning specific articles for the Examiner. Anything outside of that topic, I publish on Ezine Articles. Here's one that was published today.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Colorados-Home
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sunday September 12, 2010 - Reprint of my latest Examiner article
*Had a good relaxing Sunday with Football. My fantasy football team easily won. My Broncos did not, but I think they will do fine this year. I didn't exercise at all today. Had a little bipolar moment this afternoon, but I recovered. It's scary how those anxiety attacks can start regardless of the positive events and status of things. Here is a full copy of my latest Examiner article published 9/11/2010... (To read all articles and subscribe for free to receive my article headlines via email, follow this link: http://www.examiner.com/user/2624016/2050016/articles )
Jefferson County Public School's credit recovery program helps high school student's graduate
Jeffrey, center, accepts his diploma
Photo: Photo by Christopher SharitsJefferson County Public School’s Virtual Academy andcredit recovery programs offer several options for class credit recovery. These programs include night classes, computer based curriculum as well as a variety of additional interventions designed to meet the individual needs of the students. The program facilitates students who…
- may not be fully successful in the traditional school environment
- who participate in school sports or acting
- who require greater flexibility
- come from military or displaced families
- transfer in from other districts
- are returning students seeking graduation
- are seeking advanced or additional classes in preparation college
- are preparing for life after high school
- simply need a fresh start or a second chance
Courses that include core classes like math, English, and history and elective classes like video gaming design. The online courses are generally offered free of tuition to those students under 21 and the night classes are offered at incredibly low tuitions. The courses are offered five times a year.
Recent Bear Creek High School graduate Jeffrey Sharits has the credit recovery program to thank for his victorious on-time graduation. Jeffrey explained, “I was worried that I wasn’t going to get to graduate with my friends.”
He had transferred to Bear Creek from Thunder Ridge High School in Douglas County in need of two missing core credits. “I had to take one online course during school and one at night school. I thought they might be a little bit easier, but I was wrong. They were hard.” With stubborn determination, in May 2010, Jeffrey walked proudly across the Red Rocks Amphitheater stage with his friends.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Saturday September 11, 2010 - New writing job is ALIVE!
Today was almost perfect. I wrote an article on high school credit recovery and then went on a three mile hike up on Mt Falcon. Thankfully, we are 20 miles south of the Boulder wildfire, but you can see and smell the smoke from our house.
So my new articles with the Examiner can be seen at http://www.examiner.com/user/2624016/2050016/articles
Please read one and if you like it enter your email from the "subscribe" button next to my byline. I get paid for traffic so read often!
My diet was crap today. I didn't settle into breakfast until lunch time and then I ate two "beef" hot dogs with sour kraut. I was too hungry to resist. And yes, they were good. Tomorrow is FOOTBALL day. I can't wait!
So my new articles with the Examiner can be seen at http://www.examiner.com/user/2624016/2050016/articles
Please read one and if you like it enter your email from the "subscribe" button next to my byline. I get paid for traffic so read often!
My diet was crap today. I didn't settle into breakfast until lunch time and then I ate two "beef" hot dogs with sour kraut. I was too hungry to resist. And yes, they were good. Tomorrow is FOOTBALL day. I can't wait!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Thursday September 8th, 2010 - Examiner.com
I was accepted as a contract columnist for Examiner.com as the new Denver Online Learning Examiner. I guess I thought it was going to be like any other freelance writing job, but I was wrong. The learning curve and expectations are intense. After I was hired I scratched out a couple of relevant articles and have since gone back in and completely re-wrote them. I spent four hours this morning in the Examiner University and I only took a few courses, but it was enough for me to realize that I needed revise my submitted articles. Fortunately they have publishing tools that allow you to go back and revise even published articles.
After a week of journalistic re-education I only have two polished articles published. They won't be live on my page for a few more days because they are having technical difficulties with their new website. When they are they will be at http://www.examiner.com/x-67194-Denver-Online-Learning-Examiner . Once online you can, and I hope you do, sign up as a follower. The pay structure and bonuses are better than I could have imagined. I have found my new full-time job. In order to meet my financial obligations without relying on the art business, I need to write at least four quality articles a day. Now that I have figured out how this thing works, I should have no trouble cranking out the stories. My main job right now is spreading my network to all of those Colorado institutions that provide or use online learning.
What does this do for my diet? It blows it all to hell! I've been grabbing food and snacks without even considering the consequences because I'm just so busy trying to get on the ball. Additionally, most of my time on this job is sitting on my butt in front of this particular computer. The only exercise I'm getting is voluminous house chores and running errands. And to top that off my BMW needs a new radiator so I'm essentially without a car. Well that's not exactly true. I've been borrowing my son's car and using the Honda whenever my lovely wife is not using it. However, I need to get to the gym three times a week. I don't like to, but I may have to ride my bike to the gym. If you knew the trek to the gym, you would know that just riding to the gym is an exhaustive affair.
At any rate, I can't use this job as an excuse. I need to manage my time better and lose some pounds. Speaking of pounds, I wonder if we have any more ice cream. KIDDING... maybe.
After a week of journalistic re-education I only have two polished articles published. They won't be live on my page for a few more days because they are having technical difficulties with their new website. When they are they will be at http://www.examiner.com/x-67194-Denver-Online-Learning-Examiner . Once online you can, and I hope you do, sign up as a follower. The pay structure and bonuses are better than I could have imagined. I have found my new full-time job. In order to meet my financial obligations without relying on the art business, I need to write at least four quality articles a day. Now that I have figured out how this thing works, I should have no trouble cranking out the stories. My main job right now is spreading my network to all of those Colorado institutions that provide or use online learning.
What does this do for my diet? It blows it all to hell! I've been grabbing food and snacks without even considering the consequences because I'm just so busy trying to get on the ball. Additionally, most of my time on this job is sitting on my butt in front of this particular computer. The only exercise I'm getting is voluminous house chores and running errands. And to top that off my BMW needs a new radiator so I'm essentially without a car. Well that's not exactly true. I've been borrowing my son's car and using the Honda whenever my lovely wife is not using it. However, I need to get to the gym three times a week. I don't like to, but I may have to ride my bike to the gym. If you knew the trek to the gym, you would know that just riding to the gym is an exhaustive affair.
At any rate, I can't use this job as an excuse. I need to manage my time better and lose some pounds. Speaking of pounds, I wonder if we have any more ice cream. KIDDING... maybe.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tueday August 31st 2010 - second post regarding freelance writing
I have posted four of my recent articles on my other blog http://writingsbychristopher.blogspot.com . Here is my first article for the Examiner...
Homeschooled Online Advantage
Many opponents of the homeschooling option cite quality of education and socialization skills among students as arguments against the homeschooled. Today’s homeschooled students and teachers come from all walks of life and tend to be more mainstream than their predecessors. Many parents turn to homeschooling in frustration over what they perceive to be a collapsing public school education suffering from massive budget cuts, deteriorating infrastructure, and increasing violence among its students.
In a traditional school setting, teachers specialize in subjects from computer sciences to math to foreign languages. In the past, homeschooled parent instructors hired expensive tutors for courses that exceeded their capabilities or experience, but tutors are expensive and they tend to work on fixed schedules. There are literally hundreds of accredited online K-12 courses online that offer homeschooled parents an affordable and flexible alternative.
Another concern of homeschooled opponents is the certification of instructors. While some parents are certified instructors the vast majority are not, but one has to consider the efficacy of a traditional teacher with 30 to 40 students as compared to a statistically well-educated parent with a deep investment in their child’s future. The addition of online courses can squelch those arguments by providing accredited certified instruction in areas of the greatest concern like English, math, and science. An additional feature of online course is transparency and accountability. While many of today’s universities and colleges consider standardized entrance exams to be a better barometer of a student’s academic prowess, the addition of online education transcripts can only help.
The second most common objection to the homeschooled option is the perception of stunted socialization. Homeschooled students, particularly online students, have more flexible schedules and can often meet with other homeschooled students of a wider variety in age than the public schooled for true quality time rather than sitting in a crowded classroom with limited opportunities to interact. Homeschooled students operating online have the advantage of organizing events and gatherings through homeschooled web and socialization sites.
The complexity of primary education has changed. Many students, including a growing number of traditional students, have grasped onto online instruction as a viable alternative or in addition to traditional classrooms. Do the addition of online instruction and the steady rise of the homeschooled spell the end of traditional schools? Of course not, but online course have certainly enriched the homeschooled and made them even more competitive against traditionally taught students.
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