Thursday, April 1, 2010

Thursday April 1st, 2010 - Horror

Today was full of errands. Beemer in for a new flash pan... whatever that is. They took more blood today. I'll find out next week, after my CT scan, if I have lost more platelets or if I have any new uninvited tumors. Yippe. I'm not worried. If I had cancer wouldn't I feel it? Sorry, oncologist joke.

I installed some new high efficiency lights in my "studio" (garage). I'm trying to reproduce a psychotic episode that had several years ago. Actually, my only psychotic episode. I had lost a lot of weight and offset my prescribed amount of lithium and it toxified. I can't remember if they took me off everything or pumped me full of more meds. I can't remember that January. Really, I lost about three weeks. All I can remember is my sick friend of whom I was trying to protect. Three weeks later I figured out he didn't exist. But i seem to be fixated on the whole waking dream or psychosis. I want to paint my friend, but I'm having some trouble remembering the demon he was.

The fascination with psychotic episodes, nightmares, and night terrors have found their way into my writing as well. I picked up two books to help me. First, the Surrealists (to study the art of weird) and, second, a book written by the world's best horror authors. The book, "on writing horror," is kind of a how to. I'm trying to write more disturbing dreams.

I was talking to an Air Force recruiter today. He's closing a chapter and trying to figure out his next move. I realized that I have not only figured out what I want to be when I grow up, but that the same things I love today are the type of things you do when you're retired. So there you go, I already have a plan for retirement. Alas, I will do what I love to do for the rest of my life. There is some great peace in that.

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