Sunday April 3 2011 at 1:45 am - Giddy

I am almost giddy at the prospect of being thin. I was looking at all of my "normal" weight suits and sports shirts and I could hardly contain my enthusiasm for the Realize Band. A friend who worked at my old oncologist is now assisting my primary care physician. She had the surgery in December 2008 and my wife told me she's thin. I can't wait to see her.  

Wednesday March 30th 2011 - Last hypnotherapy?

Today I have an appointment with Robbin. It has been very therapeutic in terms of stress release and self-forgiveness over things that I feel guilty about. Most of my guilt stems from things that I did as a teenager. Nothing criminal or at least nothing that I thought was criminal at the time. But as time goes by some of those deep secrets or embarrassing moments of bad judgment begin to eat at you. Actually I think I started eating at them. Secrets or bad events plus bipolar meds plus just not caring have made me the three men I am today.

I think it may be my last appointment. I'm sure her program would have worked had I been more diligent, but I really need to concentrate my finances towards surgery so while I like the hypnotherapy, I just can't justify the expense.

To be fair, we worked on so many of my "issues" that we never really got to appetite suppression. Today I hope we try that and then, maybe I'll decide for sure if I want to continue.  

Second post March 29th, 2011 - Bipolar medications

I was doing some research or "reminders" about Bipolar disorder and I was reading the following medication guide from the Mayo Clinic. I do believe I have taken all of these at one time or another. Lithium and Depakote made it nearly impossible to lose weight, but extremely easy to gain weight. I stopped taking Lithium in January 2008 because I had lost so much weight in the hospital that the drug became toxic and I went into a month long total psychosis. I now take Lamictal for mood stablization, Lorazepam for anxiety, Seroquel as an anti-psychotic, and Hydroxyzine for anxiety. I took Effexor when my symptoms increased to the point where I had to seek help or get locked in a closet. It didn't work for me. I think it made things worse. I do not take anti-depressants. I'm Bipolar II so I need manic management more than depression.

My dosages are balanced enough to give help me controllable most of my mood swings without being tired all the time. I still have severe mood swings and bouts of anxiety, but the drugs do help. Actually, I am quite paranoid about life without these medications. 

The things that keep me somewhat stable are keeping busy, sleeping, exercising, meds, and a very supportive and wise wife. Without her and my boys I seriously doubt that I would be writing this right now.

Medications for bipolar disorder include:

• Lithium. Lithium (Lithobid, others) is effective at stabilizing mood and preventing the extreme highs and lows of certain categories of bipolar disorder and has been used for many years. Periodic blood tests are required, since lithium can cause thyroid and kidney problems. Common side effects include tremor, weight gain and digestive issues.
• Anticonvulsants. These mood stabilizing medications include valproic acid (Depakene), divalproex (Depakote) and lamotrigine (Lamictal). The medication asenapine (Saphris) may be helpful in treating mixed episodes. Depending on the medication you take, side effects can vary. Common side effects include weight gain, tremor and drowsiness. Rarely, certain anticonvulsants cause more serious problems, such as skin rashes, blood disorders or liver problems.
• Antidepressants. Depending on your symptoms, your doctor may or may not recommend you take an antidepressant. In some people with bipolar disorder, antidepressants can trigger manic episodes, but may be OK if taken along with a mood stabilizer. The most common antidepressant side effects include reduced sexual desire and problems reaching orgasm. Older antidepressants, which include tricyclics and MAO inhibitors, can cause a number of potentially dangerous side effects and require careful monitoring.
• Antipsychotics. Certain antipsychotic medications, such as olanzapine (Zyprexa), risperidone (Risperdal) and quetiapine (Seroquel), may help people who don't gain benefits from anticonvulsants. Side effects depend on the medication, but can include weight gain, sleepiness, tremors, dry mouth, blurred vision and sexual side effects. Weight gain in children is a significant concern. Antipsychotic use may also affect memory and attention and cause involuntary facial or body movements.
• Symbyax. This medication combines the antidepressant fluoxetine and the antipsychotic olanzapine - it works as a depression treatment and a mood stabilizer. Side effects can include weight gain, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased appetite and fatigue. This medication may also cause sexual problems similar to those caused by antidepressants.
• Benzodiazepines. These anti-anxiety medications may help with anxiety and improve sleep. Examples include clonazepam (Klonopin), lorazepam (Ativan), diazepam (Valium), chlordiazepoxide (Librium) and alprazolam (Xanax). Benzodiazepines are generally used for relieving anxiety only on a short-term basis. Side effects can include drowsiness, reduced muscle coordination, and problems with balance and memory.

March 29th, 2011 - NASH

I just found a comment in my span folder that suggested that I should avoid using I, my and me, but this is a journal for me first and a blog for others second. So I will use me for my blog. Just kidding. When I'm writing articles, columns, or even my book I do not use first person. But, thanks anyway. I know it was meant to be constructive.

And to those that think I weight too much, duh. Saving up the $4000 for my portion of the Realize Band surgery is top priority.

I don't think that I explained my liver issue properly in the last post. I have been told that I have a fatty liver for over 15 years, but the doctors never seemed that concerned so neither was I. (Hahaha, more I, my, me). The name of my liver diagnosis is NASH otherwise known as Nonalcoholic Steatohepatitis.

My new doctors theory makes complete sense. My liver is too fatty and it may be backing my blood flow back into my spleen causing it to enlarge and it may also be causing the low platelet count.

Bottom line is that I can't have more than a glass of wine or a beer per week. I must exercise more often and control calories through a healthy diet and lose as much weight as possible before the surgery. I said that I weighed in at 414 on Friday, but I took some water pills and reduced my calorie consumption by half and today I scaled in at 401 which is regrettably my actual weight. I can't believe I let it get this out of control again. I was down to 313 in October of 2009. Not anymore. I have too many books to write and, someday, a granddaughter and grandson to spoil (Make that plural).

Saturday March 26th, 2011 - Fat be gone!

SO yesterday I wrote about why I was fat and about bariatric surgery. Today I would like to talk about the whole picture, but do it as quickly as I can because finishing the book is the most sustainable thing I can do to earn the four thousand dollars for my surgery and to earn money for plastic surgery as my loose skin needs to be removed.

Somehow having Chronic lymphocytic leukemia or CLL is less urgent than having my liver die. So I have recommitted myself to eating for health and exercising for comfort and mobility. This will be my path until I can get the surgery. 


I don't even want to say how heavy I am right now because it is disgusting and embarrassing. Shit. Okay. I'll tell you. In June 2009 when I started this blog I weighed about 360. Then I went vegan and exercise crazy and lost 45 pounds. Then, regardless of my vegan diet, my body adjusted and I started to gain weight back which discouraged me to no end. I then weighed 350 pounds again. Then I tried vegetarian with seafood which only led to my down fall into eating... well everything and I gained more weight. I was then 360-370 because I was afraid to step on the scale.


Recently I started going to a hypnotherapist which was good for stress and guilt therapy, but did not help me curb my cravings. At least not yet. There was a whole process that included the hypnosis and the Gabriel method and exercise and prayer and I didn't do it. I guess I was waiting for the hypnosis to help me not crave sugar and cheese. I knew I had reached 380 and that is where I thought I was, but yesterday I weighed in at 414. 


My wife commented that there is no way I could have gained that much weight that quickly, but I did. I could blame it on chemistry or a dozen other things, but the bottom line is that I ate maybe twice what I should have and my body loved it. The whole liver damage has never been explained to me as well as this new doctor explained it and I am fairly convinced that my CLL is not as urgent as my NASH  (Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis) is going to ruin me. It is time to watch everything, exercise and earn the money I need for surgery. Hopefully I can get the surgery within this year, but I will continue to watch my diet until then.  

Friday March 25th 2011 - Bariatric bypass and Lap-band surgery

My weight is simply out of control. Without a sustainable plan to keep any weight loss off, there is basically the same thing I have done since I was 20. And that is, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%, diet, gain back plus 10%... you get the picture.

I would suggest that if I had never dieted, I would be about 150 pounds lighter. Still a little chubby, but not obese. In addition to yoyo dieting, I have had to take medication that either irritates my stomach or causes cravings. I also eat when I am stressed out. Since I am bipolar, depression comes often and I eat and then when I feel better I eat to congratulate myself.

All you really need to do is eat just 10% more than you should at eat meal or each day and you will become obese. It may take sometime and you may be able to exercise to keep up, but then you age and your life becomes more complicated and you stop exercising so much. I go to the gym to work out for one hour three times a week which makes me a fairly mobile fat man, but, since I am a writer and housewife, I don't get enough exercise even though I do go to the gym. I'm not lazy. I am busy.

Another huge contributor to weight gain is baggage. Many fat girls started gaining weight to get Chester the molester away. We all have emotional scars and they add up and for some people, like me, they turn into obesity. Let's see... some of the issues that came up during therapy were... multiple suicides including my father, sexual exploits in my young teenage years, participating in work theft when I was 19 (food items), some drug use, and many overlapping bipolar and psychotic episodes. Yup, mainly crap, but it added up. I was a stupid teenager and now I wear my stupidity. That sounds pretty stupid.

So all of these things plus an addiction to gourmet food and ice cream and chocolate have made me fat and I am tired of the yo-yo deprivation diets. They just make me hungry and miserable. I have decided to try to stabilize my weight gain and workout to stay healthy. I'm going to make wise healthy food choices avoiding processed and sugary foods WHILE I am saving up money for a lap-band procedure.

Ever since I started this blog in July 2009 I have been debating whether or not I should get the surgery. I've been through excessive exercise and even stayed vegan for six or seven months, but, eventually, the cravings took over and I snapped. Now I have gained back all the weight plus 10%. Actually, I think it's closer to 15%, but it's over. I am tired of dieting. It's time for bariatric surgery.

So what is the difference between bariatric bypass and the lap-band? The bypass surgically changes your anatomy permanently by connecting your throat to your intestines, thus, bypassing your stomach all together. The lap band is just a plastic/rubber ring that shrinks the area of your stomach, but it can be removed for say any medical emergency. I take hand fulls of medications for bipolarity and thyroid and ect... and the bypass may affect my med digestion. So I have chosen the lap-band because it won't interfere with the digestion of my medication. Of course there are huge drawbacks like getting food stuck at the ring or the tiny portions, but I am ready.

I just talked to a new oncologist who said I probably have a bad liver which is backing blood and fatty tissue in my spleen causing it to expand and hurt. Basically, I need to lose this obese fat in order to live. So for now on I am trying to save $4,000 for the lap band surgery. My insurance pays $7,500. I will also need to save for plastic surgery to get rid of the excess skin. BUT, bring it on. I am ready. It may take me a month or it may take me a year, but I am going to have that surgery. I have to.

So, now this blog has become all about the bariatric surgery again. Blah.     

Wednesday March 9th, 2011 - Back on the upswing

I feel like I have passed through the worst of my bipolar low or it could be that I have gotten very busy. I am currently writing two articles/columns for some trade magazine websites and I am trying to stick to my book, but it has been hard to find enough time. Today, however, I will spend at least 4 hours on the book.

I have been going crazy updating the www.paulsharits.com website. I've added mountains of material and I still have 100 images to add and 144 pages worth of documents. Yup, I'll be busy with that. Maybe a little everyday. Might open up a new library to consolidate all of the written work by or about my father.

My diet has been for shit. When I am on a bipolar low it is very difficult to care about the calories in a Philly Cheese Steak. All I know is that it makes me feel better and sometimes that's enough. In addition to my lack of daytime will power, I have a hard time sleeping which usually leads to deciding if I am going to fight my late night hunger and have insomnia or will I eat a PBJ and fall asleep. The PBJ has been winning up until the last few days which indicates to me that I must be getting closer to my regular self. I need to get back into the gym, but I hurt my back lifting my mom into the van last Friday. Perhaps I'll feel better tomorrow. I know that I have to buy a six month membership because paying as I go only means that I don't feel guilty enough to go.

My hypno-therapist missed our last appointment because she logged my appointment on the wrong month. I was a little upset that I had to drive across town for a missed appointment and I had decided to use the money I would have spent on the therapist for the gym membership, but then she called and expressed regret at having gotten the appointment wrong and she said that she would credit me one hour which equals $100, so I rescheduled.

I received an email from Paul Hench regarding an article he just published on his blog and I thought it would be helpful to link to it in case you are looking for some great tweets on weight control. "Daily Dieting Motivation: The Top 50 Must-Follow Weight Loss Twitter Feeds” at http://www.mastersinpublichealth.net/daily-dieting-motivation-the-top-50-must-follow-weight-loss-twitter-feeds/ . I hope that he writes another one on top weight control blogs and then I want on the list because my ramblings are just awesome... for insomnia. 

Thursday March 3rd, 2011 - Bipolar low

Still having trouble getting into the weight loss mode. For some reason, I can't seem to shake what is obviously a bipolar low. I'm on edge and ready for an argument. The boys have a habit of procrastinating about things I have asked them to do. For instance, I asked number 3 to empty the trash 3 times and he said he would. Finally I got tired of seeing the overflowing trash and I went to him as he was lying on his bed texting his girlfriend and told him to stop what he is doing and empty the trash immediately. He got up and grabbed the bag I had already pulled and set on the floor with such force and attitude that he knocked some of the trash out of the bag. I went ape shit. I'll let them back talk to a point, but they are not allowed to throw things or slam doors and walk away from me when I am disciplining them. That triggers animal anger. Another example, I do the laundry. I don't mind, but I expect number 2 to take his clean and folded basket of clothes up to his room and he must put them away as opposed to living out of the basket. I had his basket sitting in the path to the stairs. He had to have past it many times. As a matter of fact he was pulling clean clothes out of it while it remained in the way. I asked repeatedly over the course of two days and he said, "yeah sure, in a minute." I had heard that enough and I turned the computer monitor off and told him he could resume on the computer when he had collected his basket and put them away. I do this with verbal conclusion, not physical force. They get all wacked out and say I'm going over the top and being an ass which just gets them further into trouble. Then I am compelled to offer a one way conversation to prohibit repeated offenses. Okay, I tear them a new one. My wife who listens to my request and sees my eventual blowout tells me she totally agrees and that I was completely justified and well within the bounds of proper parenting. Keep in mind that number 3 is 14 and number two is 19. I don't even work on number one anymore because I want him to learn to take care of himself so I let him get as close as I can to letting him face the adult consequences. Besides, he knows all my button and can drive me to the point where I have to leave the room or even the house before I smack him one. Keep in mind I am not only fat, but also very strong both in voice and physical being. They wouldn't stand a chance in a physical fight. I scare them. All that being said, 99% of the time I laugh and hang out with 2 &3 and we have fun (number 1 is too cool for me and he thinks I'm an idiot). I still think I am a good parent. None of my boys have gotten suspended from school or even a parking ticket let alone a DUI or incarceration of any kind. They respect other peoples property and they would never harm a soul. In our household their is a "no touchy" rule. I want them to use their words, not fists. That rule is obeyed over 98% of the time. They are publicly respectful and polite. I think they are awesome boys. And they adore their mom as they should. They will make excellent husbands and parents when the time comes.

The one thing that will provoke the opening of the whoop ass can is if they talk back to their mother or disrespect her in any way. I simply will not tolerate that under any circumstances and they know it. You can mess with me to a point, but never ever with mom. It's the way it always has been and always will be. Mom is to be talked to respectfully even when she is wrong. She loves her boys unconditionally, but she has no problem threating to tell me. For some reason this works. I must be just scary enough, but I don't have to use physical force so I guess its just part of being a parent, but I still get upset when I have to play the bad guy. Of course that doesn't stop me. I'll take the roll because I am the dad.

All of that is okay, but when I'm like this, I have a much shorter fuse and I will react with fierceness when ignored. I always try to be polite even when I am ready to kill someone, but if they blow me off, I retaliate.

I think what concerns me the most when I am depressed is that it is so hard to get motivated and to be productive. And I have been fantasizing about death. I think it would be a relief to be dead for awhile, but then I want the Jesus ability to come back. I just want peace and maybe I selfishly want people to recognize a world without me. Nonetheless, I have gone through the check list; hanging=gross; cutting wrists=ouch; jumping off a cliff=ouch; solo car wreck = messy and death is not guarantied. Gun shot =messy, but guaranteed. Drug overdose. Humm, it would have to be lethal and quick and painless. Maybe take a drive to a mountain road and then OD.

See, is that a little unhealthy? When I find myself seriously planning out my suicide I know I'm depressed. There is no real reason. My life isn't even close to being hard enough to commit suicide. What I do fear is that I would not be "attempting" anything. I would be successful as usual. So much to lose; some much left to be done; so much to wait for like grandchildren or successfully transitioning into a full time author. I have lots of places I want to travel to and many other things yet to be experienced so no, I am not currently suicidal, but I think about it too much and sometimes I scare myself. I could see a problem if I was, for instance, going through a divorce or if I found out my wife was having an affair. I just couldn't handle that. I suppose if I got arrested for something horrible, I would commit suicide in a blink.

I guess when I'm writing it out it sounds silly. Unfortunately, this is the point where I get real drunk for a day or I eat without restraint. I did that last night. I ate three hot dogs. In my defense, they were really good hot dogs prepared just the way I like them. Which reminds me; I haven't had lunch yet and I need to write on the book so enough of this pity party and back to work. I haven't even made my bed yet. Later.

March 1st, 2011 - Book progress

Well, my eating is still a bit out of control. I'm not gaining weight, but I'm also not losing weight. I also need to re-schedule my hypno therapist. I have been feeling the financial pinch and I've been having troubles with my bipolar disorder.

Perhaps it's the time of year or the frequency of dead birthdays, but I have been feeling edgy and my emotions have been all over the place with no reason whatsoever. I'll just take my meds and work my way through this.

We have been having our new windows installed, so I've had to stick around the house, but they are done today so I should be able to start hitting the gym again. That seems to be the key. If I feel strong it's easier to stick to the weight loss routine. So, I'll give myself a break and worry about it tomorrow. Seriously, Wednesday the second.

Oh yes, I have put writing my book as a top priority. First, I think it's a good book and second, it is the clearest path towards sustainable income. I know. So many authors never get published. Well if I can't find a publisher in the first month after I have completed the manuscript, I will self publish and advertise the crap out of it. When you publish online, your book can be sold at amazon, barnes and noble, ect... However, if you want to publish hardcovers, then it will cost you. If I have to I will first publish as an ebook and then use the proceeds to publish hard copies. Or, I could submit it to the publishers that I already know. This isn't quite their cup of tea, but I'm optimistic that they will help me find the appropriate publisher. Either way, my book will get published.

Saturday February 12, 2011 ~ Non-linear Saturday

I must have taken my meds late. At least I hope so because if I had taken them then I have taken them twice. Judging by the way I felt around noon, I would bet that I had delayed and forgotten my pills. Wow. I guess it's redundant day or the drugs have kicked in and I am no long classified as lucid.

My youngest son wanted to use my monster computer for some gaming this morning, so I watched the movie "Social Network" and, much to my surprise, I liked it. When it finished I asked my wife if she wanted to go grocery shopping with me. She said no which is normal, but I still ask. Keep in mind that I am the housewife by default since I work from home. I do the house cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, teen taxi services, doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences, household business like bills and business calls ect... And I do them very well. Our living quarters are always super clean and all of our laundry is folded and back in drawers before the end of the day. I do it out of love, not imposition. My wife works hard so I don't mind doing the work. If fact, I like it. Nothing is sexier than a man with an apron that cooks better than most of the restaurants I know.

What do I do? I manage my late father's art and film career, write Positano which is my current novel about a bipolar/suicidal teen, free lance articles, and I paint. The funny thing that I try to down play is that I make more money than anyone in the house. Shuu. I get paid royalties from the sale of art, rentals of film, rights fees, my free lance work, and about 80 acres of mineral rights for gas and oil. Currently, the gas and oil are paying the least, but that will change as the cost of fuel increases. Thanks to the Egyptian revolution and the de-stabilization of many of the oil oligarchies our fuel will hit $4 USD/gal by summer and $5 USD/gal before the end of 2012. Perhaps sooner which will result in the increase of prices for pretty much anything and it might tempt the Fed to engage inflation safe guards which will back fire and we will be fucked. But, my wells may start to pay bigger dividends and that all that really matters.

The bottom line is that I am blessed with relative financial security and I am doing work from the heart. I love writing. I often lose myself in writing and then I look towards the corner of the screen only to find out that two or four hours have elapsed and it is time to do some kind of house duty. Usually dinner. Did I mention I cook extremely yummy gourmet food.

So why was I freaking out this morning? Well, some of it could be the fact that my accountant hasn't told me how much I will owe yet. I made most of my money in the first quarter of last year and so it didn't feel like I made much money, but I still got 1099'd for a lot of money. That portion of my income is taxed at 15.3%. Killer. But that's not it, because its only money and God always gives us just as much as we need. Again, why was I freaking out? Because I'm having a small bipolar episode and I'm feeling real fat this week. Being bipolar is like watching a train wreck and then realizing you are the train. My emotions were getting out of control. I feel better now because I took my meds plus a pain killer (for my knee and wrist) and an extra lorazapam and hydroxzine. Remember when I asked my wife if she wanted to go with me to the store. I got upset because she told me to stick to my own list and not to over spend. HELLO! I've been doing fine for years now. Oh yeah, did I mention I do our books and I haven't had a late bill in years.

So there I was, knowing that I was having a bipolar moment and I kept it to myself for the most part. I told my wife I was late with my meds and I felt bad, but I didn't kill the dog or anything. That was a joke. I only kill cats. They're so judgmental. Again I am kidding. I took my pills and went to the very crowded store which normally throws my anxiety through the roof, but I listened to my iPod real loud and I survived the store. I even started felling well enough to notice this girl with an incredible ass. Got to love lose fitting yet butt hugging sweat pants. Anyway, she was well over 18 so I didn't break any icky guy rules.

Now I'm home and I feel fine. Well, a bit drugged, but that feels pretty good too. Bipolars are such addicts. If it's not booze or illicit drugs or prescription meds, than its food. Yes, I am a food addict, but that's why I'm trying to deal with it in therapy. Once I allow myself to be skinny in my head than I will allow my body to be skinny.

Isn't it funny. God gave me intelligence and the talent of writing and art and then He allowed me to live in a world that played to my addictions and allowed me to become this fat man that I can hardly recognize. Its a good thing I'm an attractive and skilled fat man, but I long for the day when I can fit into clothes for normal people. Oh yeah, God gave me humility. I just misplaced it somewhere. 

January 26th, 2011 - Somethings different

I'm not ready to fully commit to this and it is still far from proven, but I do feel as if something biologically has changed. Now, I know it's not my leukemia, but something is different. Jon Gabriel says that you will start to feel a change when your body feels mentally and physically ready to lose weight.

For the last couple of months I have focused on why I'm fat or more importantly, why I can be a successful dieter and an even more successful weight gain backer. I can't believe spell check didn't kill backer. I suppose the word could be used as "he had a backer." Okay, but what I meant was I gain all the dieted weight back plus a little more each yo of the yo yo. I have been working with the therapist and the recordings of the Gabriel Method to self evaluate what has made me and what continues to plague my permanent weight loss.

I've come a long way and most of it has been too personal for this blog. Maybe too personal for me even though it was me. I have identified dozens of potential weight management scars. Everything from wanting to be bigger for little league football to constant confidence breaking comments about my butt when I was skinny as a bed post to very personal coming of age mistakes.

It may sound strange, but I haven't worried or stressed out about my weight or dieting because I want to solve the root before I delve into another calorie campaign. And yet, I lost 3 inches on my waist in less than 30 days. I promised myself that I wouldn't step on the scale again until March. Instead I would measure my waist, so I don't know how much weight I have lost, but I can tell that my clothes fit a little better. Maybe, just maybe, my body is allowing me to lose weight without the heavy food withdrawals. Anyway, I hope that is what I feel different because cancer still scares me a bit.

Friday January 21, 2011 ~ Lab results

Well, yesterday's oncologist appointment went as well as it could. My platelet count is up to 90,000 units and my white blood cell count was just inside of normal. So, if I haven't developed cancer yet, why go to these constant appointments? Because my wife would kill me before the cancer if the cancer came on while I was on a doctor holiday. I guess the way CLL comes on, it would be the best and most treatable if found early. Sounds reasonable.

One other note: My oncologist is moving to Greeley Colorado which is way way too far to drive so it's time to find a new doctor. It would be great if I could find one within 10 miles of my house. I'll have to find one next week because I have to get B-12 shots in order to remain stable.

Sometimes people ask if there is a cure for CLL or if you can do something to elevate your platelet count. You can treat CLL with chemo and so forth and if I were to get pregnant, which sounds oddly unlikely, than your platelets may spike upwards. So the answer is no. No cure; no way to elevate platelets. Sure there are probably hillbilly cures, but I don't want to eat eye of newt. It's just a matter of going in to the oncologist every three months and have labs drawn each time with a minimum of one CT Scan per year.

I hope I never get cancer, but my odds are not really in my favor, but until I get cancer, I think I should still be able to eat fried Twinkies. I've never had them, but they sound like one of those "must try just once" types of foods. Of course, it may be like the commercial for meth. Just once and you'll turn into a thieving junkie and your teeth will fall out.  

Thursday January 20th, 2011 ~ Oncologist Appointment

This morning is my oncologist appointment. I was diagnosed with Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) in July 2007 and have been under doctor supervision since. I have chronically low fluctuating platelets and an enlarged displaced spleen as well as the occasional white cell fluctuation. While I have been down as low as 35,000 per microlitre, I have had readings as high as 70,000. Over the last year the count has gone down about 1,000 per month. I can feel that something is not right, but I can't tell if it's my platelet count. Maybe I feel out of sorts because of my weight. Nonetheless, I get pretty nervous around my oncologist/hematologist appointments.  

A normal platelet count in a healthy individual is between 150,000 and 450,000 per μl (microlitre) of blood (150–450 x 10⁹/L).^[15]  Ninety-five percent of healthy people will have platelet counts in this range.  Some will have statistically abnormal platelet counts while having no demonstrable abnormality.  However, if it is either very low or very high, the likelihood of an abnormality being present is higher.

Both thrombocytopenia and thrombocytosis may present with coagulation problems.  In general, low platelet counts increase bleeding risks; however there are exceptions. For example, immune heparin-induced thrombocytopenia and thrombocytosis (high counts) may lead to thrombosis, although this is mainly when the elevated count is due to myeloproliferative disorder. Mine is, of course, extremely low, but I have been cancer free up to this point.

For some time I thought that God had made me fat so I could withstand the riggers of chemotherapy and a prolonged fight with cancer. Even though I have CLL, I still find such excuses to be without merit and downright silly.

No, in fact, I have the new psychological tools to fight obesity. Along with the therapy and hypno-therapy and the Gabriel Method my daily routine includes:

• Daily prayer / spiritual meditation
• Mental visualizations/affirmations 
• Nutrition / health - Watching calories, but not really dieting. It's more about eating healthy things like fruits and vegetables and lean meats or fish.
• Physical activity - Daily walks or shoveling snow for 20 mins or more. Plus working out at the gym for 45 minutes at least three times per week.

The beauty of this routine is that it is very good for my mental health as well. It is generally accepted that some sunshine and exercise is good for relieving mental stress and prayer and visualization is good for both weight and bipolar disorder.

If have not followed this routine everyday for I don't know what reason, but I need too. As of today, I will follow through with these activities. I do consider writing this blog to be part of my meditation / visualization.

Thus, writing blogs are indeed therapeutic. 

Wednesday January 5th 2011 - Happy New Year!

Well, the holidays are finally over and now we begin a new year. Welcome 2011. The year in which my first book will be published and my hypnotherapy/Jon Gabriel Method will help me lose 100 pounds by the end of December 2011.

My holidays were very nice. A little hard on the budget, but I only used $400 credit and I will have that paid off before March. I think the hardest time to maintain a strict diet is through the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas accounted for four belly busting meals and I lost track of how many other over-eating opportunities happened as a result of the holidays. Add into that my gourmet cooking craze. After we had such fabulous food in NYC in early November, I felt inclined to cook better dinners for the family. Of course, my gourmet fad included butter and heavy cream in some instances, but I can't blame weight gain on contents nearly as much as I can blame quantity.

When I cook I use real "living" ingredients. By that I mean I don't use any processed ingredients. I think that freshly cut and/or minced onions, garlic, peppers, and other fresh vegetables make a dinner worth eating. I also don't like to use protein substitutes like vegetable oil margarine or fat free milk, however, I do like using soy milk in place of cow's milk and cream because it doesn't curdle with lemon juice.

Some of my favorite meals for my family include vegetables and pasta with a pesto cream sauce, shrimp fettuccine, roast chicken with lemon wedges stuffing, stuffed hamburgers with cream cheese and finely chopped vegetables, fresh tomato and fresh spiced Italian sausage spaghetti and garlic bread, and cream pesto salmon steaks, Sword fish with tomatillo and butter drizzle, roast duck with orange sauce, and lamb chops with a cranberry/orange marmalade. All dinners include fresh steamed vegetables and mixed salad. In most case, cut mixed fruit is offered as a desert, however, I am a very good baker.

Sure, all of these foods sound calorie deadly and they are, however, I believe that over-eating is the greatest culprit. Imagine a dinner with one cup of rich fettuccine, a medium to large serving of steamed asparagus with lemon pepper, a salad with oil and balsamic vinegar, and a glass of unsweetened fresh brewed ice tea. Keep the portions small and this is a healthy feast.

Tomorrow I go in for my first hypnotherapy session of the year. We are supposed to begin working on subliminal craving reduction. I'll let you know how that goes.               

Monday December 13th 2010 - Bedtime Meditation

One of the audio files made available from the Gabriel Method is a bedtime meditation. I loaded it up onto my iPod and listen to it as I take my final bow for the night. Jon Gabriel speaks about relaxing and visualizing the next day's schedule and goals with positive reinforcements. The track is 22 minutes, but I have only made it through the first few minutes. Maybe 5 minutes if I'm anxious, but after that I am 'a snoozen.

I think I am able to be hypnotized easily is because I have a fairly deep focus. I really concentrate on the suggestions because I want it to work. If you felt uncomfortable or didn't want to be hypnotized I doubt that you would be able to relax enough. The meditation/hypnosis, whether in Paula's office or from the cd's, make me feel good. I awake with a positive attitude and my cravings for fatty foods have gone down dramatically.

I am easing into this struggle with realistic expectations. It has taken 45 years to build up all of these root cause issues. I doubt that they will go away overnight.

Maybe I wrote about this, but I have realized that there are some key issues that make me fat:

• When I was in football in the sixth grade I got pushed around and beat up from practice and games. I desperately wanted to be bigger for survival purposes. The desire to be "football" large continued for three more years.
• I was very sensitive to adult comments like my step-dad insisting that I had a Ubangi Butt (his way of saying I had a big butt). However, he started telling me this when I was very young and still as skinny as a lamp post. In addition, my loving aunts teased me about "filling" out. I was skinny until I got married at age 19. All of these comments were without merit, but they became very powerful negative reinforcements.
• My uncle committed suicide when I was 14? I never thought it bothered me, but I found out through talking to Paula that it did have a huge impact on my young life.
• I had a horrible diet when I started working at the warehouses. I over ate with the other warehouse workers and then go days without sleep and proper nutrition. I think the years of abuse messed up my metabolism.
• I was heavy before my dad committed suicide in '93, but I really started to pack it on after that.
• In 1998 to 2001 I presided over a dot com that I had co-founded. It couldn't have been more stressful. In 2001 we had grown to the point where we needed venture capital to continue and I lost my best presentation. The company went under and I had a major bipolar episode that landed me in the hospital(s).
• After that I worried about survival more than I did food so I just ate everything until I was full. On top of that I was taking bipolar meds like Depekote that makes it incredibly difficult to lose weight. I also had a bout with rashes that required steroids which also made me gain weight.
• Up to the point I had tried every fad diet under the sun. I had lost weight just to see it come back with reinforcements. 
• Then I was told that I was sick with everything plus Leukemia. I started ballooning and then went into the hospital and just stopped eating. I starved myself for several months and lost 60 pounds or so.
• Then I started gaining it all back plus reinforcements.

No one wants to be fat. It just happens. You let your guard down and gain tons of weight and then fight and starve to lose the weight. My body is programmed to be fat. I am now trying these alternative therapies to re-program myself to be normal. It may take a while to see the results, but I know that solving the root causes of my obesity is the key. If I can control my mind and body, I will lose the weight and keep it off.