Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thursday February 25th, 2010 - Suicide dream

I went to the gym today and did as much as I could without messing my knee up anymore. The MCL hurts so I'll stay off of it for a few days. I'll have to make a judgment call on my mom's weekly gym/swim in the morning. I went to the doctor this morning for blood results. Everything looks perfect except for my platelets. I also weighed in at 317. I have much work to do. Enough with the boring part.

I'm not sure if it's the change in meds, but I have been having many vivid nightmares. Last night takes the cake. I was actually quite disturbed until I got to the gym and stopped thinking about it. It was in living color and it seemed like I was watching a movie, but interminably becoming one of the characters. It began with some kind of weird set-up where there was several astronauts. Not NASA, but kind of a fringe private venture. As in most of my dreams, we were late for something. I hate being late to anything, so this hits a particular button for me. The leader of this mod squad was an asshole. It was like the damn ship belong to him. He was also pissed that we were late. So then we are preparing to go up to the rocket and I switch out to someone else that is looking down on them from about 50 yards or so. Everything was white. As they came into view, I started shooting them. I was the sniper. Maybe that's some pent up anxiety about the Deer Creek shooting on Tuesday. Anyway, I was pretty good and each shot brought an explosion of red splattering against the wall. Now I bounce back out. I'm watching someone else or watching myself falling into a deep self loathing and wondering around the carnage. At some point I became Robert Downey Jr. and I'm standing on top of a tall white cinder block wall. I'm watching at this point. Then I switch back into the body and I'm looking down and there doesn't seem to be a bottom. Kind of like being on a floating wall in the sky. I jump. Then, I'm watching myself arms flailing and legs kicking and I'm tumbling in the air for an eternity. I was thinking to myself, shouldn't I black out or something, but that didn't happen. I woke up terrified. I didn't actually hit, but I was falling for so long. It was scary. So if you die in a dream, do you die? I don't know. I always wake up before the end.

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