Monday, November 2, 2009

Monday November 2nd, 2009 - Black Diamond

I got my wires crossed and went to the hand surgeon a day early. My appt is tomorrow morning. This is the first time I've lost my appt card, but at least I didn't miss the appointment. I made it to the gym again today and rode on "Monkey Pass." It's an 11 mile black diamond (difficult) course on the virtual bike. I'm going to try to get some riding in everyday even if its just 20 minutes. Today was 40 minutes and I barely beat the pace rider. Usually I beat him by 4-5 minutes, but this course was the hardest I've been on. I still averaged 15.4 miles per hour with a max of 25.8. I have better rides if I'm still a bit sore.

I'm bipolar. My dad was bipolar and his mom was bipolar ect... They both committed suicide at age 50. There is a long history of suicides in my family. Scary, but I have much better meds and treatment than they had. I am not suicidal. It's such a waste. I recently read an article about the challenges of being a bipolar parent. I've had to "deprogram" a few times, but I didn't really connect the dots with general parenting. Sometimes, I operate on emotion and I get myself in trouble with my boys. It's like sticking your foot in your mouth and not being able to get it out. It's like I can see it happening, but I can't control it. Most of the time I think I'm a pretty good father, but there are times I wish I could get back. I never really attributed it to my bipolar disorder, but it makes a lot of sense. It's not a cop out. It's a realization that might help me manage my sudden stress onset. Sometimes it better just to walk away for a while. Yet another example of being mentally and physically healthy. It's all about the whole picture.

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